Date & helping a 13 year old cope........

[live4christp1]

DH's unit has their "boots on the ground" date.....I know this can change as they don't have orders in hand at this point but have been told by their commanding officers.....you will be here on XXX to prepare and then be here on XXXX.

DS will be 13 this summer and is really worrying about all this. He understands one year is a long time and also that where dad is going this time is going to be a lot different than when he was at Fort Knox & Fort Gordon.

Any tips for helping him get through this. This is a hard time in a young persons life as is with middle school drawing to a close and approaching high school.

Thanks!
Cristy

 

[jsmith]

Been there and done that-my youngest-now 21 was 15 when we did our first deployment. For him it helped to seek out other kids in the same situation ( he went to a large suburban high school in Denver and two of his best friends that year were a boy who's dad was a Marine Reservist and a girl who was living with her grandparents while her dad was deployed with the 82nd airborne) Check with your state family program-ours had an online message board for teens and a lot of activities they could share in. Be sure to inform the teachers and counselor at his new high school whats going on -and take advantage of the resources your FRG gives you. Let your son know its okay to worry but that thousands of families get thru deployment and back to their normal lives-and tell him he should be proud of his Dad for what hes doing.
on another note LAD's ( latest arrival dates-what you are calling boots on the ground) shift alot. If the unit has just been alerted you wont an official alert til about 6 months out or or less and paper orders til roughly 90 days out-and with the draw down in some areas and increase in troops in others mission change happens-be flexible-and remember more than anything to take care of yourself-dont let the stress get to you and talk to someone ifyou need to -being there for your kids is important-but staying healthy yourself is too-if you every need to talk or a anything-my PM box is open except when i travel

 

[lovemygoofy]

Alot can change from now and when your husband leaves. That really needs to be stressed to your son so he doesn't sit and dread when the time comes.

Here are a couple links to resources you can use online or in house with the family.

This is a video made specifically for the 12-17 year olds who have deployed parents. http://www.aap.org/sections/uniformedservices/deployment/videos.html

Operation Military Kid has some great camps in the state of TN. Your son could meet other military children see how they cope and learn his own coping skills. In addition TN Guard also has a summer camp for kids. I don't know if you are comfortable with that but maybe meeting other kids in the same boat will help with the stress of his dad being gone.

http://www.operationmilitarykids.org/public/statePOCHome.aspx?state=Tennessee

If ya'll ever feel like a field trip, you should go over to Ft. Campbell. I can give you the name of the person that runs the teen club. Maybe your son would want to meet these kids. Right now most of that post is gone again and these teens understand what your son is going through and how to get through it.

If I can be of any help just let me know.

 

[live4christp1]

Thanks for the suggestions and links!

DS (and DD too) are very proud of their dad. They love to go meet him for dinner after drill while he is in uniform. DS volunteered him to speak at their Veterans Day program at school this past fall. Yesterday DS was so excited when he came home.....they had a program at school by the National Guard about being drug free. (DH is at Combat Life Saving training this week). DS went to talk to one of the SGTs and told them his dad was in the NG.....turns out the SGT knew DH. So DS chatted with him for a while. Then later in the evening when DH called DS had to tell him all about it....he had even written down the SGTs name in his agenda so he would be sure to remember to tell DH who it was. If DH goes to pick them up from school (they usually ride the bus) they will often ask him if he can wear his uniform.... Yeah.....I think they are a little proud of their daddy.

At the last family day there was a lot of talk about getting the family support group for our unit doing more again. The person who had headed it up for a long time had become ill and unable to do it but haven't heard anything else so far.

Thanks again!

 

[samshane]

For my 11yr old it was all about normalcy... she wanted everything else in her life to be the same - her school, friends, riding lessons - everything.

She didn't want to go meet with other families and kids going through the same thing. I offered - she refused. Dh sent a video of him reading books - she refused to watch it. She would skype with him and talk to him on the phone, but everything else in her life did not change, and she didn't want it to. I made sure to keep it that way.

Honestly - my kids did an awesome job - when they were sad, they spoke to me about it, but shortly after he left the weight fell off of them too and they coped with it.

Not too much longer now... we're down to weeks.

Best of luck to you - I have learned what works for one family, does not work for another. I am sure you will figure out what works best for your family.

 

[dschleicher]

Hi, I'm a proud gramma of 2 "army kidz". My son is soon to deploy on 3rd trip to Iraq. I was a army kid my self. My dad served in Korea and Viet Nam(does this date me,LOL) I can offerf encouragement more than suggestions.
The addage kidz are resilient is very true. Anticipating a thing is always worse than dealing with it. I'm not saying it is easy, for it truly is not but kidz with loving, caring family will do well every time!!! Trust your son to find his way and listen when he talks.
My heart is with all of you and your deployed and serving family members !!

 

[~armywife~]

my DH felt a calling and joined the ARNG later than most, going to basic, ait, and ocs when he was 38 and already had 3 kids (and me) used to him being home every night. we are now preparing for his 1st deployment and i am nervous about how our 3 children (DD15, DD9, and DS6) are going to do over the next year or so.

we don't live around any other military families, so we are sending our oldest to operation purple to hopefully meet other kids in the same situation, but any suggestions on how i can help my kids deal when he is gone would be wonderful. unfortunately, i don't even know what questions to ask to be able to get answers.

thanks

 

[jsmith]

The links Tina posted above for Christie will give you some good information. Kids are resiliant and they will do better than you expect. The little one is only going to understand that daddy has gone to work and wont be home for a long time -I think military one source has a sesame street video about deployment for younger kids-ill ask a friend-not something i have alot of experience with because my children were in their teens already when they had to deal with this but i have a good friend who has 11, 7, and not quiet three-and her husband is on his 5th deployment-2nd since the 3 year old was born. For the oldest-be sure you let the school know whats going on because she will have some stress-she is old enough to really understand and will hear some things at school that will make it tough-the camp is a good idea-but she also needs to feel like she can talk to you. Keep routines as normal as possible-dont give up activities-let her get her drivers permit-all the things she would do anyway. Also-you will be surprised what resources the Guard does have-there will be family assistance centers and you should have a unit FRG that will also give you information as you go thru the deployment process-its an adjustment but you will be proud of yourself and your kids and how well everyone gets thru it.

 

[live4christp1]

my DH felt a calling and joined the ARNG later than most, going to basic, ait, and ocs when he was 38 and already had 3 kids (and me) used to him being home every night. we are now preparing for his 1st deployment and i am nervous about how our 3 children (DD15, DD9, and DS6) are going to do over the next year or so.

we don't live around any other military families, so we are sending our oldest to operation purple to hopefully meet other kids in the same situation, but any suggestions on how i can help my kids deal when he is gone would be wonderful. unfortunately, i don't even know what questions to ask to be able to get answers.

thanks

Just wanted to say hey and we are in the same situation almost. My DH was 36 when he joined and went off to BCT and AIT.

 

[lovesmurfs]

DH's unit has their "boots on the ground" date.....I know this can change as they don't have orders in hand at this point but have been told by their commanding officers.....you will be here on XXX to prepare and then be here on XXXX.

DS will be 13 this summer and is really worrying about all this. He understands one year is a long time and also that where dad is going this time is going to be a lot different than when he was at Fort Knox & Fort Gordon.

Any tips for helping him get through this. This is a hard time in a young persons life as is with middle school drawing to a close and approaching high school.

Thanks!
Cristy

DS was 13 when my DH deployed as well. The biggest thing I did was put him in charge of household stuff -- showed him how important he was to the family, etc.

My goal was to get through the year intact. DD (then 7/8) - we actually had a family counselor for deployment -- made a huge difference. While I get along fabulously with my son, my daughter's personality and mine just don't mesh very well. The counselor helped me work with her, and our relationship is stronger for it.

For DS, I did tell his school and the social worker, and asked to be notified if his grades dropped or if he had any problems to let me know ASAP. Didn't happen, and his grades plummeted toward the end of the year. Yah know what? We survived; DS survived. My mantra: "Good enough is good enough."

A couple of times during the year I would surprise the kids -- take a day off from school, a weekend at a hotel, etc. I found I needed it just as much as they did.

Best wishes.