Wow! I've been away for quite a while and so much has happened!
Jen, congrats on the birth of your daughter! She's beautiful!
Sorry to hear you're go through all this negative stuff. Personally, I'd rather dh & I struggle a tad on our own & just follow our instincts than have family staying with us (from either side) pretending to be helping. This just adds more stress. You will adjust and it takes time. You will find a new routine and maybe miss some aspects of your old life time to time but then the baby will do something amazing and remind you it's all worthwhile. Just when you have it all down pat, along comes #2 and life pulls the rug out from beneath you again. lol!
This is a time where you have to be a bit selfish and not be so concerned about what others think, say or do. Stick to what works for YOU. Keep visits short with EVERYONE. Honestly, it's better to go visit others than to have them visit your house and this way YOU are in control of how long the visit lasts. Plus no added guilt that your house might look a mess and maybe you don't feel like playing hostess right now. Serving snacks, drinks, etc. I quickly realized people just wanted to see the baby much more than seeing me
and that's ok too.
I hope it gets better for you soon.
It's good that your dh stood his ground with his parents. They'll either get over it or they won't but right now you really need to be able to lean on him for support.
When I had ds20, almost 2 weeks overdue, we had just sold our condo & bought a single family home 2 days before. It was an eyesore of a house so we stayed with my parents a few weeks (also stressful but not as bad as what you describe) Lots of family came over to help dh scrape off old wallpaper & paint. My brother installed a new furnace/AC unit. I am STILL eternally grateful for that help.
I had a C-section so I couldn't even drive to see the house. My parents both worked and dh got no sick/vacation time back then. He already missed a few days without pay while I was being induced and we couldn't afford for him to miss any more. So I was home alone with the baby and that suited me fine. He worked all day and painted all evening. I missed him but my mom cooked dinner every night and I knew he was working frantically to get us back in our own home.
Two weeks after buying our house, dh got laid off. We hadn't even made our 1st mortgage payment. We were scrimping by on my 6 weeks disability (after that, 12 weeks unpaid FML) and his unemployment ins. Somehow we survived it all & it worked out. Ds will be 21 in Jan.
So you know the saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? So true. This is all a distant memory for me now and just one of the many parts of the roller coaster ride called parenting. Hang it there!!