Just sounding off

[2021isworse]

I’m not really asking for advice but feel free if you want. I just need to sound off. I posted once before asking if folks would or could live with in laws. Well, it is definitely coming up to big decision time. I really didn’t think it would come to this…or maybe in the back of my mind I did. In laws wanted us to live with them to help them. In their 80’s. I didn’t want to and felt like my husband was on the same page. FIL ended up passing a little over a month ago. Now my husband wants us to move into a house that his mom could live with us in. We are three years from retirement, have our house (townhouse, so not big enough for more than us) paid for, and I DO NOT want to live with her. A house couldn’t be big enough. She is a nice enough person but I don’t want to give up our privacy and I just feel like it would be a three person marriage. I’m sure my being very much an introvert plays in as well.She is in good health but in beginning stages of dementia. She is very capable of living alone at this point but has the money for her care when she does need more. We manage her finances now because his dad did all of that when he was alive. When discussed, it evokes very strong emotions inside that let me know I could never go there. I feel very panicky…is that even a word??? I instantly want to cry. I even think about just telling my husband that I want him to go live with her and I will just live by myself. That really isn’t what I want though. He feels responsible for her and cares for her, and I do understand that too.
I know I am going to have to bite the bullet and just say that there is no way that I am going to live with her instead of just staying quiet. My husband knows how I feel but I just need to tell him straight out. He keeps throwing big hints. I know he will do what I wish but I’m afraid he will resent me down the line. We have a very good marriage but I am a bit concerned that this may end up coming between us.
I just needed to vent. I don’t really have good friends to talk to because of being introverted and just needed to get this off of my chest.
Thanks for listening.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

That is a hard decision. I know you didn't ask for suggestions or advice but let me throw these out if you haven't thought of them.

What if MIL moved into a retirement community now. There are many that are quite lovely for independent living and then have sections to move to if you need more care.

What does MIL want? I know my mother wanted to maintain her independence after my dad died and it was never a thought she'd move in with us, nor with MIL. Both went to retirement living.

Last, I know you don't want to move, but what about a home with an entire in-law suite/apartment.

Good luck. Keep venting.

 

[piccolopat]

Living with your in-laws can have its ups and downs. We lived with them in a downstairs apartment until FIL passed away. We then moved and MIL had the downstairs apartment in our home. It definitely meant a loss of privacy and depending on the person it can take its toll. My MIL still did her own cooking and most cleaning but stopped driving so we had to take her everywhere. She also expected to be included in our activities and that included vacations and going out with some friends. Our friends didn't mind but sometimes it would have been nice to go out by ourselves. Now the issue with dementia that you mentioned is more worrisome. Caring for a person with dementia is extremely stressful. Will your DH handle all of her care or would he expect you to do this? I ask because my mom has dementia and now lives with my sister. The biggest problem she has is mom needs someone to help her with toileting (including taking her since she forgets to go) and showering. Night time was the worst and we ended up hiring an aide that takes care of this so my sister can sleep. She's pretty easy to take care of otherwise but it is a struggle sometimes. Since you are so reluctant to live with your MIL, I would suggest getting her an assisted living unit someplace near where you live. You might want to talk to an elder care attorney so you understand things like Medicaid eligibility, asset protection and look back periods. Good luck.

 

[chickapin parterre]

Now my husband wants us to move into a house that his mom could live with us in. We are three years from retirement, have our house (townhouse, so not big enough for more than us) paid for, and I DO NOT want to live with her. A house couldn’t be big enough. She is a nice enough person but I don’t want to give up our privacy and I just feel like it would be a three person marriage. I’m sure my being very much an introvert plays in as well.

*introvert privacy is very crucial here and your husband needs to understand that attribute and have a professional give him insight. I am not suggesting counseling because that infers behavior change but instead have a professional give insight to husband.

* modern medicine has extended life spans.. My sister sees a full time commitment to my mother. My mother has lived long past her quality of life and lives day to day in demtia living center...but my sister will not make the decision to get on with her life , as the other three of us have made...that modern medicine has eroded the quality of our retirement lives as children of long term dementia parents. And by getting on with our lives...the three of us live far away from our mother and living our retirement plans.

My mother could very well outlive the daughter who is caring for her as that daughter has health issues that create a struggle everyday in her life.

 

[2021isworse]

Thanks for letting me vent more!
MIL asked us to move in with her. Actually she asked my husband and then said to me, in front of several other people, that we were moving in with her because her house is paid for. I replied that ours was paid for too. Kind of put me in shock. I think she has mentioned it to him several more times. We definitely will not be moving into her house. We don’t like it.
She is vehemently against independent living. Really doesn’t want to move out of her house right now, and I completely understand. She is fine right now living where she is, in my opinion, but my husband is worried about her because she never did anything without his dad telling her too. She basically lived to do what he wanted her to. Very old school…Ozzie and Harriet like.I think he’s afraid she won’t survive without someone telling her what to do and when. I don’t want to be that someone.

 

[Skippy918]

If you can’t do it, you can’t do it. Don’t guilt yourself into this. I hope that your Dh can see your point of view. What about hiring a caretaker or aide to help her?
Are there siblings that can help?

I feel like we’re going to have to cross that same bridge with my mil in a few years. Fil passed away a few years ago, and she’s helpless when it comes to so many things. We both work and have young kids at home so it’s hard. But both of us are on the same page with her not living with us.

 

[mjkacmom]

My dad had Alzheimer’s, he had a live in caregiver after my mom died and it was still hard (we lived 1/2 mile away). He was weeks away from assisted living when he had a heart attack and died. My oldest stayed with him after we fired his caregiver, she needed money while study for the CPA exams, she lasted about 6 months before she said she couldn’t do it anymore (and she loved him dearly). It’s exhausting.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Totally understand! My in-laws started needing 24/7 care in February of 2020. Both in their 90’s. Just a couple weeks before shutdown. They live right around the corner from us. My husband is 65 and has a twin brother. Their older sisters are 70 and 71. They are all retired except for my husband. The oldest sister started taking of them all day, about 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. My father-in-law passed last November. He was mostly bed ridden and had swallowing issues so it was a lot of work taking care of him. My mother-in-law, who has always been a *itch refused at first to let hospice come in to help. So when the “kids” told her that they needed help with him she finally agreed. She would sit in the other room in plain sight with her arms crossed and an ugly look on her face. She wouldn’t talk to them and if they tried talking to her she would just huff at them. I have never liked my mother-in-law and I’ve known her over 40 years. The other sister has health issues of her own so has never really been able to help out much more than stay at the house for a couple hours. My brother-in-law spends 5 nights a week there including all day and night on Sunday. My husband works full time, gets home, cleans up, and then goes over to help with dinner and wash dishes. He also stays the night on Friday and Saturday. My mother-in-law refuses any help from anybody other than “her kids” cause that’s why she had them, she tells people. Even though neither one of them helped their own parents one bit. Her own mother offered to pay her to take care of her but she said no. She is a royal pain in the a$$. She’s not happy unless she is complaining. We all are living in a nightmare and just wonder how long it will go on. Her health isn’t that bad. She’ll live to be 100 just to continue putting g everybody through hell. I know one thing, when she does go, they won’t be any tears from anybody. Good luck!!

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Hugs and prayer to all caring for elderly relatives it is never easy! Dementia only adds an extra sad and rocky road twist. Would in home care be something MIL might agree to? Perhaps that could be a temporary bridge to Assisted living one day. Also, I have an elderly friend who is currently living in a facility that offers both traditional and mostly independent options. Definitely please do not feel like you have to take this on. Remember, you need to take care, too. The love, care, and support, you are able to extend ought to be welcomed in itself, I hope so anyway.

 

[georgina]

Vent away! I feel for you. Luckily my in-laws did not want to live with us, but they were close by and we were there often to help out. My mom didn't want to move out of her condo when my dad died. We had help come in, more for companionship in the beginning, but they made sure she was up, bathed, dressed, and fed breakfast and lunch. There were 2 women who rotated, and she became very close with one of them.

I sense how much you are torn between your needs and his feelings about his mom. I fear for your mental health if you agree, burying your feelings, and she could live a while yet.

The people who just bought our house have 2 teenage boys and are buying it with the wife's mom. The house is well suited to that with BRs and BAs on 3 levels, but wow.

 

[Cheburashka]

I’m not really asking for advice but feel free if you want. I just need to sound off. I posted once before asking if folks would or could live with in laws. Well, it is definitely coming up to big decision time. I really didn’t think it would come to this…or maybe in the back of my mind I did. In laws wanted us to live with them to help them. In their 80’s. I didn’t want to and felt like my husband was on the same page. FIL ended up passing a little over a month ago. Now my husband wants us to move into a house that his mom could live with us in. We are three years from retirement, have our house (townhouse, so not big enough for more than us) paid for, and I DO NOT want to live with her. A house couldn’t be big enough. She is a nice enough person but I don’t want to give up our privacy and I just feel like it would be a three person marriage. I’m sure my being very much an introvert plays in as well.She is in good health but in beginning stages of dementia. She is very capable of living alone at this point but has the money for her care when she does need more. We manage her finances now because his dad did all of that when he was alive. When discussed, it evokes very strong emotions inside that let me know I could never go there. I feel very panicky…is that even a word??? I instantly want to cry. I even think about just telling my husband that I want him to go live with her and I will just live by myself. That really isn’t what I want though. He feels responsible for her and cares for her, and I do understand that too.
I know I am going to have to bite the bullet and just say that there is no way that I am going to live with her instead of just staying quiet. My husband knows how I feel but I just need to tell him straight out. He keeps throwing big hints. I know he will do what I wish but I’m afraid he will resent me down the line. We have a very good marriage but I am a bit concerned that this may end up coming between us.
I just needed to vent. I don’t really have good friends to talk to because of being introverted and just needed to get this off of my chest.
Thanks for listening.

It might be helpful for the two of you to go to a therapist with the specific and short-term purpose of discussing and working out this issue. That might help you each say what you need to say in a way that will not attack the other or damage the marriage. (For example, I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but your suggestion that your husband perhaps should go live with his mother sounds very rejecting and almost like a divorce suggestion.) Therapy can help you both stay calm during this discussion and be able to state your needs clearly and without unintended negative effects. The logic of the therapy format might help your husband move past his emotions to clearly see the extreme challenges that caring for his mother at home would entail.

 

[tvguy]

Sounds like you have a solution. She has the money to pay for care, move her into one of those senior communities where they offer help based on need. If she doesn't need help now, that is the section they will have her in. She will move up to other sections as her care needs change.
I don't know how I would feel about a parent moving in, but I sure wouldn't go to the expense of moving to make it possible for it to happen when the money could be spent to get her a place of her own with the care she needs and all three of you have your privacy.
My mom made it as easy as she could for us. She bought Long Term Care insurance that would also pay for in home care. She was well enough to live on her own until age 89 and then had a stroke. I guess I could have tried to move her in, but her insurance only paid for licensed care, so I was able to put her in a Residential Care Facility for the Elderly with 24 hour care, her own room. $3,300 a month ( in 2013), of which her insurance paid $2,700. Her Social Security easily paid the difference. She was walking distance from my house, and over the last 13 months of her life I saw her everyday except for 11 days.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I’m not really asking for advice but feel free if you want. I just need to sound off. I posted once before asking if folks would or could live with in laws. Well, it is definitely coming up to big decision time. I really didn’t think it would come to this…or maybe in the back of my mind I did. In laws wanted us to live with them to help them. In their 80’s. I didn’t want to and felt like my husband was on the same page. FIL ended up passing a little over a month ago. Now my husband wants us to move into a house that his mom could live with us in. We are three years from retirement, have our house (townhouse, so not big enough for more than us) paid for, and I DO NOT want to live with her. A house couldn’t be big enough. She is a nice enough person but I don’t want to give up our privacy and I just feel like it would be a three person marriage. I’m sure my being very much an introvert plays in as well.She is in good health but in beginning stages of dementia. She is very capable of living alone at this point but has the money for her care when she does need more. We manage her finances now because his dad did all of that when he was alive. When discussed, it evokes very strong emotions inside that let me know I could never go there. I feel very panicky…is that even a word??? I instantly want to cry. I even think about just telling my husband that I want him to go live with her and I will just live by myself. That really isn’t what I want though. He feels responsible for her and cares for her, and I do understand that too.
I know I am going to have to bite the bullet and just say that there is no way that I am going to live with her instead of just staying quiet. My husband knows how I feel but I just need to tell him straight out. He keeps throwing big hints. I know he will do what I wish but I’m afraid he will resent me down the line. We have a very good marriage but I am a bit concerned that this may end up coming between us.
I just needed to vent. I don’t really have good friends to talk to because of being introverted and just needed to get this off of my chest.
Thanks for listening.

I'm going to be honest, I had my MIL live with me for almost 5 months...and it was the worst months of my life. It was like I had a toddler again. My DH was not happy with her there either, but was trying to do the right thing for her. She was in early dementia, in addition to a myraid of medical issues, that we were trying to get treated for; and the stories I could share.... I actually joined a subreddit about MILs, to have a place to vent about what we were dealing with, simply because I needed an outlet for it. If I had to do it again, I would tell my DH absolutely not.

 

[wdwfan51]

Feel free to vent. It may help you to clarify the things you want to express to your husband in a more effective way and may help you come up with a solution. I totally am in agreement with you on the MIL living situation. Mine hasn’t spoken to me in over a decade. My husband knows I would never live with his mother. If yours lives close and it becomes necessary, I see nothing wrong with suggesting he live in her house.
My MIL is in an adult living facility. They have independent living and when needed assisted and then nursing home care. She seems to enjoy it so maybe yours would too.
Best of luck to you all.

 

[kdonnel]

My in laws have lived with us for a year and a a half. It has actually been great.

They have a two bedroom apartment in the basement with their own entrance. They come and go as they please, we might go several days without even seeing them despite living in the same house.

Them being close has made it much easier to help them as they need more and more help.

 

[piccolopat]

Thanks for letting me vent more!
MIL asked us to move in with her. Actually she asked my husband and then said to me, in front of several other people, that we were moving in with her because her house is paid for. I replied that ours was paid for too. Kind of put me in shock. I think she has mentioned it to him several more times. We definitely will not be moving into her house. We don’t like it.
She is vehemently against independent living. Really doesn’t want to move out of her house right now, and I completely understand. She is fine right now living where she is, in my opinion, but my husband is worried about her because she never did anything without his dad telling her too. She basically lived to do what he wanted her to. Very old school…Ozzie and Harriet like.I think he’s afraid she won’t survive without someone telling her what to do and when. I don’t want to be that someone.

You need to make sure your DH knows that you are "vehemently against" moving in with her. Stand your ground as it sounds like you will be miserable if you agree. He can plan to spend some of his free time with his mother but he shouldn't put the burden on you. Is she open to having an aide come in every day to help her?

 

[Princessclab]

My in laws have lived with us for a year and a a half. It has actually been great.

They have a two bedroom apartment in the basement with their own entrance. They come and go as they please, we might go several days without even seeing them despite living in the same house.

Them being close has made it much easier to help them as they need more and more help.

Good for you but they sound very independent. I am sure they offer good things to your family.
When a parent becomes the child and insists on being dependent it is extremely difficult, it can take a toll mentally and physically. It can be very unhealthy for the child etc. doing the caretaking.
When a parent moves into a child's home it affects the whole family therefore the whole family should get a vote.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I'm sorry, that sounds like a really tough situation. My mother has been strongly hinting/pressuring me to let her move in with me since I separated from my ex-husband years ago. I could never, ever live with my mother, the only way I would consider it would be some sort of in-law apartment with separate entrance and locks (so she couldn't let herself into my place). I read that you don't really want to move, but it sounds like you want to live with your MIL even less so would moving to a place where you could accomodate your MIL in some sort of MIL suite be an acceptable compromise? Or maybe if you could find another townhouse for her in your plan that was close?

 

[barkley]

Sounds like you have a solution. She has the money to pay for care, move her into one of those senior communities where they offer help based on need. If she doesn't need help now, that is the section they will have her in. She will move up to other sections as her care needs change.

you can't force an adult who is not under guardianship to move out of their home. what can be done, if a person (be they related or not) believes an adult to be endangering themselves or incapable of providing for their own adequate care-call adult protective services. aps will investigate and determine if it's an issue of an adult being unable or unwilling to care for them self. if it's a matter of being unable they can offer options (and it is entirely reasonable and understandable for an adult child to be honest and say 'living with me/me living with you/me coming over evenings hours on end and every weekend is not an option') and depending on the severity of the situation may take the legal steps to prevent the individual from living independently. now, if it's an issue of a person refusing to provide for their own care then they may call for a psych eval to see if it's a situation where oversight is needed from mental health but if it's just 'i don't want to-i want someone else to, my kids owe it to me....' then they may encourage family to take a tough love stance w/ the ultimatum that if the person refuses to care for themself to a minimum adequate level that aps will take appropriate legal steps.

in my personal experience an adult can suddenly find themselves much more capable when they learn that choosing not to- a 3rd party governmental agency may deem that the person no longer has the option of making any of their own choices.

 

[tvguy]

you can't force an adult who is not under guardianship to move out of their home. what can be done, if a person (be they related or not) believes an adult to be endangering themselves or incapable of providing for their own adequate care-call adult protective services. aps will investigate and determine if it's an issue of an adult being unable or unwilling to care for them self. if it's a matter of being unable they can offer options (and it is entirely reasonable and understandable for an adult child to be honest and say 'living with me/me living with you/me coming over evenings hours on end and every weekend is not an option') and depending on the severity of the situation may take the legal steps to prevent the individual from living independently. now, if it's an issue of a person refusing to provide for their own care then they may call for a psych eval to see if it's a situation where oversight is needed from mental health but if it's just 'i don't want to-i want someone else to, my kids owe it to me....' then they may encourage family to take a tough love stance w/ the ultimatum that if the person refuses to care for themself to a minimum adequate level that aps will take appropriate legal steps.

in my personal experience an adult can suddenly find themselves much more capable when they learn that choosing not to- a 3rd party governmental agency may deem that the person no longer has the option of making any of their own choices.

I agree. With what we know about the circumstances, it would just be an option, not a forced move.