May & Mother's Day isn't easy for everyone

[White Cat]

Please don't come into a really nice and helpful thread to start up with posts like these. I am childless by choice and medically. I chose not to have children because of my mental illness, and then I was told that my endometriosis was so advanced and that the scar tissue on my uterus meant that it would never expand to hold a growing baby. I found that there is a great difference between choosing not to have a child and being told that you can't.

I have nieces and a nephew I helped raise, and a little Godson I adore. I put any 'Mom' energy I have into helping with him.

That would make you an Aunt and a God Mother. Nothing wrong with that. And there was nothing wrong with my post. Re read it and see.

 

[tvguy]

May is a bittersweet month in my family.
Mother's Day is in May.
My mom's birthday is in May
My mother's father died in May (the 13th)
My father died in May (the 13th, exactly one year after my mother's father)
My mom died in May.

 

[fla4fun]

May is a bittersweet month in my family.
Mother's Day is in May.
My mom's birthday is in May
My mother's father died in May (the 13th)
My father died in May (the 13th, exactly one year after my mother's father)
My mom died in May.

I am sorry for your losses.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The first few years after my mom died, I would even avoid TV right before Mothers' Day because the sappy commercials made me sad. It got easier over time, and as the focus shifted when I had a child myself, but every once in a while, I still have "moments" as we call them around my house.

One thing I try to do when I get the chance is make sure other moms get recognized (like have a single mom's kids over to make cards, that sort of thing). It makes me feel good, and is the kind of thing my own mom would have done.

This thread is a lovely idea, @LuvOrlando. Thanks for starting it!

 

[nw6675]

And stepmoms! While it took 14 years for DD to come, I have the most wonderful DSS that we had permanent custody of and lived with us from age 12 on. He was 23 when DD was born.

He told me when he was in his 20s that I was his mom and that I would be the grandma to his kids one day. I couldn't be more proud of him and his DW and my DGD!!

 

[luv2cheer92]

That would make you an Aunt and a God Mother. Nothing wrong with that. And there was nothing wrong with my post. Re read it and see.

And there was nothing wrong with the post you had quoted. Re-read it and you will see.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

That would make you an Aunt and a God Mother. Nothing wrong with that. And there was nothing wrong with my post. Re read it and see.

Thank you ever so kindly for pointing that out. I'm sure @BlueStarryHat was confused about her relationship with the children in her life and it was so helpful for you to make it clear so she understands.

Honestly, sometimes a person can read a thread, say to themselves "well I don't agree, but what I have to say isn't kind or helpful or maybe just doesn't pertain to me at all so I'll just move along". Every thought that comes into a person's head doesn't need to be expressed out loud.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Coming from someone who works with children, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be difficult/sad/awkward/confusing for them as well. There are so many kids without one or more parent in their Iives. When we make Mother’s Day gifts, which the kids love to do, it has to be prefaced with a talk about people who might take on the role of mother. And the fact that not everyone has one. I always tell the kids that my mom is gone now, but I have aunts and other special people that I can remember in Mother’s Day.

My grandson was coming out of Kroger with his mom on Father’s Day last year. His father has no role in his life. An employee was handing out gifts to men as they walked out. She handed one to my grandson and said give this to your dad. He was 7 at the time and it just shined a light on his situation, which he cannot fully understand yet. The lady meant no harm, and it’s our issue to deal with, but it’s difficult.

I like the idea of opening up the roles, wonderful!

I think most people are aware of how difficult the winter holiday season is for lots of people but the complexity of Mother's Day & Father's Day is sort of invisible. This always strikes me as peculiar considering how complicated we all know life can be.

As for helping a child navigate such complicated circumstances, just be a beacon of what love is, of what healthy is & of what they can be. Some kids don't get much of a blueprint for how to do things properly, still, sometimes just knowing what not to do is solid enough info to get started. That plus having good role models around can be enough. Thinking back, the things that were most pivotal to me probably weren't even said or done with an ounce of intent, they were authentic behaviors I witnesses so I believed them. My step grandfather was a kind and gentle man with no temper who taught me what a good man was and what I should look for, and I followed that archetype in looking for a spouse. I watched some friend's mothers lovingly care for their children and so that was the archetype I followed. I quilted myself together from all the good things I saw and heard, so for these children who need to carry the burden of adult mistakes I suggest to just offer yourself as a blueprint and hope they take it with them. You may never know the good you have done but trust it will take root & help them grow straight and strong.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Today, a new mantra, I think I'll stay in this space.

 

[White Cat]

And there was nothing wrong with the post you had quoted. Re-read it and you will see.

Never said there was. Did I?

 

[fly girl]

Very nice thread, @LuvOrlando. Hugs to all out there who have a
rough month in May (and June for Father's Day.)

I am lucky that I don't have a challenging May from a Mother's Day perspective.

However, I do understand completely about the controversial "choosing not to be a mom" being difficult. Yes, even if you mindfully chose not to have kids (just purely not wanting them) you can still have feelings about this day. People are intrusive. Incredibly intrusive. I didn't want children when I first got married, I wasn't ready. Didn't matter one iota, constantly asked, "So when are you gonna have a baby. You gotta have a baby." It wears on you, even if you are steadfast on your life plan.

After several years, I finally felt I could be ready to step into the role of mom. However, like @eksmama01, it took me a long time to have a child (she has me beat though, only 8 years). Still, in those 8 years, I was asked "why no kids?" It is never ending when you are without children and married during your reproductive years.

And then, when I finally did have a baby, I swear dd wasn't even 3 months old and I was getting asked when was I having another. Nope, one and done! And that sets up a whole other issue that I personally felt was worse. People try and make you feel guilty for only having one child. It is unreal how cruel people can be when you say you only are having one child.

I digress ...

For all of those whom are struggling, I wish you peace during this challenging time.

 

[maxaroni]

And then, when I finally did have a baby, I swear dd wasn't even 3 months old and I was getting asked when was I having another. Nope, one and done! And that sets up a whole other issue that I personally felt was worse. People try and make you feel guilty for only having one child. It is unreal how cruel people can be when you say you only are having one child.

Agree with this. It took us 10 years to finally have our DS, had quite a few miscarriages after him. Yet, I was told by someone that having an only child wasn’t really a family. A family was more than one AND an only child was very easy.
People can really be cruel.

Incidentally, I am an only child as were both of my parents and one grandmother.

 

[SirDuff]

Never said there was. Did I?

Why, yes, yes you did. You called it a "dig".

 

[Colleen27]

May is such a weird month in my family. My grandmother, mother, aunt and I all have/had May birthdays, so between that an Mother's Day it used to be a month full of family gatherings. Now I'm the only one of the May babies still living, and my brother passed a few days after my birthday in May '17, so it went from having all these good/happy associations to being kind of rough. And this year, my older daughter is graduating from college on what would have been my mom's 76th birthday had she not died last year, so it'll really be an emotional roller coaster.

 

[Colleen27]

I find it rather odd that women who chose to remain childless are included. Seems to me to suggest that those who've so chosen must regret being childless or feel left out.

Mother's Day has never been difficult for me. In fact, I'm thankful I chose not to have children and that I live in an era when that is possible. I would not have been a good mother.

Sometimes a choice is between two bad options, and in that case, there is often a grieving process for the "perfect world" vision that was wanted but not possible. I'm glad that's not the case for you but the choice not to have kids because of circumstances that make it more responsible/compassionate not to is still a choice, one that many struggle with even though they are confident that they made the right decision. And that struggle can be particularly difficult this time of year, both because of the broad commercial reminders of the parenting experience they aren't having and because of nosy people asking into if/when kids are in their plans.

 

[luv2cheer92]

Never said there was. Did I?

You said,"that's a dig", which has a negative connotation as far as I'm aware. Meaning you found something wrong with it, when there wasn't.

 

[AussieFan8]

And then, when I finally did have a baby, I swear dd wasn't even 3 months old and I was getting asked when was I having another. Nope, one and done! And that sets up a whole other issue that I personally felt was worse. People try and make you feel guilty for only having one child. It is unreal how cruel people can be when you say you only are having one child.

I relate to this as well. People asking why we weren't giving our daughter a sibling, people telling my mom that she needed to get me to see it was cruel to have one child and not give her a sibling, people saying I should be trying to give my husband a son, friends telling me how easy I have it because I only have one child, my daughter's friends' parents expecting us to be the ones to do pick-ups, have play dates, etc. so they could have a break because we had it "easier" than them, etc. These people never seemed to consider WHY we only had one and didn't seem to consider how painful these types of questions and assumptions might be.

Sorry for getting off topic - I appreciated hearing that others have gone through this. Why people think any of this is any of their business is beyond me. I think sometimes people think they are showing concern when they ask questions and don't see how painful it can be. Other people are just insensitive.

My heart goes out to all who are struggling with the upcoming holidays.

 

[fly girl]

May is such a weird month in my family. My grandmother, mother, aunt and I all have/had May birthdays, so between that an Mother's Day it used to be a month full of family gatherings. Now I'm the only one of the May babies still living, and my brother passed a few days after my birthday in May '17, so it went from having all these good/happy associations to being kind of rough. And this year, my older daughter is graduating from college on what would have been my mom's 76th birthday had she not died last year, so it'll really be an emotional roller coaster.

Definitely a roller coaster. Hang in there.

 

[klmall]

My DH is an only child of older parents (second marriages) and his mother died unexpectedly in the early hours of Mother's Day one year. Now that my mother is also no longer with us (died in 2021) it definitely makes Mother's Day feel sadder now. We have one grown son who we went through 9 years of infertility to finally have. He makes it all worthwhile yet I still feel such an emptiness on Mother's Day. I also try to remember that not everyone has a Hallmark card Mother's Day.

 

[LuvOrlando]

May is such a weepy month for me, can't stand it, such a mopey soppy mess. I get annoyed at myself for my feelings which can make me irritable. I should be kind to myself instead so this is today's mantra, I will keep redirecting my thoughts to a positive place.


Just keep swimming