I totally agree with you. The mom said don't be a bully then bullied her kid to do something.
I don't think it's being a "bully" as a parent to encourage (& then insist if the encouragement isn't working) his/her child to do the right thing.
Again, I thought the author of the article had a little too much of a "aren't I a great mom?" attitude for me. However, I don't think it's wrong to stop our kids from being the "mean" kids when we see it happening.
My daughter may not end up being "best friends" w/ someone. But there's nothing wrong w/ getting to know someone - which is what the mom did w/ her daughter by asking her to learn 3 things about the girl. I don't want my daughter (or sons) to be the one that purposefully leaves someone out or excludes someone. That's mean.
I don't deny that these things can cause emotional damage to the kid(s) being excluded. I just don't believe in forcing everyone to get along and forcing inclusion of everyone when it comes to friendships.
My ds is going on an overnight field trip in a month. They had to pick room partners, 4 kids to a room. Well of course there are 5 boys in the group, so someone has to be excluded. My ds and 3 of his friends decided that they would room together because they just didn't get along with the 5th boy as well as they did with eachother so he was left out.
We are too old for birthday parties but when my kids were younger if you wanted to invite through the school you had to invite everyone. Well I cac't fit a class full of kids at my house, and I wasn't going to go broke inviting 25 kids to a party so we had to exclude some. It wasn't done out of malice, its just the reality.
I know there are real mean kids out there, who do exclude, ignore and shun just because they are mean, but sometimes its just because someone being excluded is inevitable.
So did the 5th boy end up not going on the trip or did he have to room by himself? Or was the 5th boy in a room w/ other boys - just not part of the "group" that included your son? I understand if the 5th boy were mean or unkind or whatever, but, if he's generally in the group, then, evidently, they're all at least sort of friendly w/ one another. It just seems a bit unkind to me for 4 boys to group up & purposefully just leave the 5th boy alone.
If there were no other boys to room w/ the 5th boy, as a parent or teacher, I would have stepped in & said 2 boys in one room & 3 boys in the other.
And no one says you have to invite everyone to parties, but it's one thing to invite your 5 closest friends & not invite the 10 other girls in the class and another thing to invite 9 girls & just leave one out.
I work in the recess yard every single day. I have seen it all. I dont tolerate exclusion out there. It is heartbreaking to see the one being excluded. Even the one who was being a pain in the neck, I advocated for him too when he told me they would not allow him the basketball game. I do talk it out with both sides but I usually tell them to allow so and so to play. I tell them to Be Kind everyday. If things are really going south for the excluded one I try to steer them to another group to play. Since it is a Catholic school, I also get to throw WWJD and be forgiving a lot as well lol
Thank you!
I've really never understood adults that don't try to encourage kids to include everyone in situations like the playground.
Again, no one is saying you have to invite everyone to everything & be best friends & go everywhere together & text & whatever, but it's unkind to purposefully leave someone out - on the playground, at lunch, etc.
I don't force my kids to be friends w/ someone or be "buddy-buddy" w/ someone they don't like, but I'm not going to let them just ignore or shun someone either.
I was not the kid who was always left out, & I always had friends. And, in looking back, there were times (especially in high school) that I probably took my turn at being a "mean girl". However, on the inside, I was shy & unsure of myself, & I remember how it felt to feel insecure & awkward.
Anyway, as adults, we have all have different personalities, & some people are more sensitive to & tend to notice the "left out" kid more.