Parenting Dilemma - Charming and I don't agree....

[badblackpug]

My kids are far apart in age, too. I have 2 teens, and 2 preschoolers, and a husband that works odd hours. I don't always have the time to stay, or other kids have activities. I can't leave the 4 year old alone at ballet, but I can leave the 12 year old at football.

Sometimes I drop off, and take the little kids home, and then husband picks up the big kid. Sometimes they get rides with other parents. Sometimes I use the time to run errands.

The OP is never going to get an honest answer from her daughter. The poor kid is stuck in the middle. She won't act enthusiastic about playing (even if she is) because her mother has made it clear it's a burden to her and the rest of the family. She won't quit (even if she wants to) because she knows her father wants her to play, and will be disappointed if she doesn't.

If there is something one of our kids want to do, we try everything possible to make it happen. Of course, none of my kids are really into anything super competitive or "elite level." Our kids do activities for fun. I'm not sure I want my kids involved in anything "elite level."

 

[pooh4evr]

Am I the only one who drops my older kids off? I am certainly not sitting through every single 3+ hour practice and game, especially if I have things to do.

Depends in when and where the practices are. Basketball is 2 minutes from the house, so drop off, soccer 30 min, so I stay, some carpool but we don't have anyone who lives by us (club team so girls are from all over), and I usually walk during practices.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

I am the same as Pooh4ever. Volleyball is close so I drop off but soccer is too far away. I do try to run an errand, walk, grade papers, something so I feel like I used the time. When I had little ones that had to tag along I brought toys or books for them. It worked out. Edited to add OP I understand it is hard to take the little ones!

Who do you play for Pooh? DD is playing for SLSG.

 

[runwad]

OP I just wanted to say I'm on your side. If it were me I'd say no to the rec softball.

 

[NotUrsula]

Finding someWHERE might be easy. Finding enough kids to play, not so much. In my neighborhood (kids of all ages), I never see more than 2 or 3 together.

Sorry, I meant finding a team to join as an adult.

I meant it as an argument against the idea of "she'll never get a chance to be on a team again if she quits now because everyone else will gain skills and she won't."

She knows the rules of the game and basic techniques. So, maybe she won't play on her HS or college Varsity team, but I've never yet seen a high school or college intramural league that wasn't happy to take on whatever warm bodies it could get, to say nothing of church and workplace teams. If she wants to play softball as a social outlet and for fitness later in life, she will have plenty of opportunities.

 

[lovin'fl]

Wow, I have to applaud some of you parents that work full time and are still able to spend a few hours each night out of the house doing these activities. I'm a wimp. I couldn't do it. My cousin, who worked full time, had a kid in travel hockey and one in competitive cheerleading. She was out every night of the week and gone most weekends. She spent her days at work with migraine headaches and being sick in the bathroom!

I am lucky to be a SAHM but I know a couple working women who do this too and I have come to realize it has a lot to do with the fact that they don't want to be at home with the hubby (know some dads that are the same too).

I am with you, though, I couldn't do it (which is partly why I am a SAHM).

 

[sam_gordon]

Sorry, I meant finding a team to join as an adult.

I meant it as an argument against the idea of "she'll never get a chance to be on a team again if she quits now because everyone else will gain skills and she won't."

She knows the rules of the game and basic techniques. So, maybe she won't play on her HS or college Varsity team, but I've never yet seen a high school or college intramural league that wasn't happy to take on whatever warm bodies it could get, to say nothing of church and workplace teams. If she wants to play softball as a social outlet and for fitness later in life, she will have plenty of opportunities.

Ah, sorry, misunderstood.

Regarding "lovin'fl"'s comment about not wanting to be with hubby... while that may be true for SOME people, I'd say they're the exception. I enjoy watching my kids play sports... when THEY enjoy it.

 

[lovin'fl]

Ah, sorry, misunderstood.

Regarding "lovin'fl"'s comment about not wanting to be with hubby... while that may be true for SOME people, I'd say they're the exception. I enjoy watching my kids play sports... when THEY enjoy it.

Me too...my girls play club travel softball and county basketball. I love watching. I am just not one to book 500million other things and need 'downtime' days padding the crazy schedule...plus I don't work and can get a lot of my home stuff done during the weekdays. I just was referring to a few specific folks I know that work and do the club softball and keep adding on stuff whenever there's a 'downtime' day and it's because they gotta be out of their house. They try to drag us into it, but we have to take a pass sometimes (a lot) so that we can get our R&R. Me...I'm a big homebody and while I enjoy watching my girls play (and my DS when he played sports), I'd much rather be sitting at home reading a good book or scouring the Dis. But before too long my kids will be grown and too busy for me, so I am happy to run around with them while I can.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I am lucky to be a SAHM but I know a couple working women who do this too and I have come to realize it has a lot to do with the fact that they don't want to be at home with the hubby (know some dads that are the same too).

I am with you, though, I couldn't do it (which is partly why I am a SAHM).

Wow, this couldn't be further from the truth for me. Yes, we like to stay busy- a couple weeks of down time and we are all bored. But we ALL go to the games- why are your friends' husbands not attending their childrens' events?

Anyway, I also don't understand all the posters that are saying that if DH wants her to play softball, he needs to deal with it. He offered a solution where he'd be taking 1 out of only 2 days that the kid needs to be at the field, and OP didn't like that solution either. So what's a fair compromise here?

 

[disneydreamingdebby]

OP,

I don't think you sounded negative at all. I got the impression that you would extend yourself for your daughter if it was what she wanted.

I also got the impression that you needed support that you weren't a terrible mom for not wanting to take your daughter who lacks enthusiasm for a sport ( rec level) at the inconvenience to you and your other kids.

I don't think you are risking the chance of her never playing again or getting a scholarship.

I do also agree that it is indeed unfair to the other kids too. For those who disagree, don't you just want to be able to be home sometimes?

When we were signing our daughters up for travel soccer, dh asked me if I was okay with it. He told me that I was the one who would have to cart them to training, games, and tournaments bc of his schedule. I love watching them play bc they are passionate. So, therefore, I don't mind. Luckily, they are twins and play for the same team.

OP- good luck.

 

[badblackpug]

OP,

I don't think you sounded negative at all. I got the impression that you would extend yourself for your daughter if it was what she wanted.

I also got the impression that you needed support that you weren't a terrible mom for not wanting to take your daughter who lacks enthusiasm for a sport ( rec level) at the inconvenience to you and your other kids.

I don't think you are risking the chance of her never playing again or getting a scholarship.

I do also agree that it is indeed unfair to the other kids too. For those who disagree, don't you just want to be able to be home sometimes?

When we were signing our daughters up for travel soccer, dh asked me if I was okay with it. He told me that I was the one who would have to cart them to training, games, and tournaments bc of his schedule. I love watching them play bc they are passionate. So, therefore, I don't mind. Luckily, they are twins and play for the same team.

OP- good luck.

Honestly, I don't really enjoy sitting through a lot of these kids things. The dance recital is cute, but I'm really only interested in seeing my kid. I'm proud of my son if he does well in football, but I don't enjoy the game. I sit through my daughter's choir concerts, but I can't say I enjoy them.

My son has no aspirations that he will become a professional football player, he just likes to play. My daughter has no aspirations of being a musical sensation, she just likes to sing. My other daughter says, today, that she wants to be a ballerina, but she's 4. Tomorrow she will want to be a princess, and on Monday she will want to be a cowgirl.

I go to these things because my children enjoy them, and because I support them. (BTW, before everybody jumps down my throat, I don't tell them I'm bored) My children don't have to have a burning passion for something for us to support their involvement. If they enjoy it and it's fun that's good enough for us.

Sometimes the little kids are forced to sit through the big kids' stuff, sometimes the big kids are forced to sit through the little kids' stuff, depending on our schedule that week. Do they always love it or have fun, no. I can assure you my 12 year old son does not enjoy watching his 4 year old sister's ballet lesson. The problem with deciding that it's "not fair" for a sibling to have to sit through something is that goes both ways. It also isn't fair for one child to not have the opportunity to do something because the sibling doesn't want to sit through it. In the OP's situation she says there is another reason that her younger daughter can't participate in an activity, I don't think it has anything to do with her older sister's softball.

We try our best to balance everything out. Sometimes it means one sitting through another's activity. Sometimes it means getting dropped off and picked up, or only one parent attending, or getting a ride with a friend. You just have to make it work. Sometimes the solution is not ideal, and I'll be honest there are a lot of times I don't want to drag out little kids in crappy weather, or when they are tired, but sometimes you just have to suck it up.

 

[disneydee6]

OP, didn't think you were going to get such overwhelming responses? lol

I was a kid who, like your daughter, was not enthusiastic when it came to sports, and used it to hang out with friends. While I don't know how your daughters skills are, at her age I was well aware that I was not one to have a future in sports. It wasn't until 8th grade when I found my love of music and theater, which continued through my college days. A lot of the responses about 'sacrificing' for your child's after school activities has been bc the kid has a passion for it. Its evident that while she likes it, there seems to be a lot of sacrificing for something that she doesn't have a real drive and passion for.

She is old enough to understand that she needs to balance both sports and HW, and shouldn't have mom have to nag her to get both done. No "constant fight to get HW done." If extracurriculars are affecting her grades in any way AT HER AGE, then it'll be worse once she gets to higher levels. For me, that is a HUGE deal-breaker. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT in saying that this time spent should be a reward. SCHOOL COMES FIRST!

And, with all this scholarship talk, guess what? Unless your child is a star athlete, don't bank on one. There are also academic scholarships out there, and she won't get either if her grades suffer. Sports aren't the only way to receive grants.

I think that your family needs to stop having 'he said, she said' conversations, because it sounds like your daughter just doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Perhaps DH is doing the 'manipulating' he is accusing you of, and is trying to make a statement by saying he would sacrifice vacation. Thats not a solution, that is further proving that he wants her to keep playing FOR HIM. Sit down as a family, and tell her that you will BOTH be happy with her decision, whatever it may be.

Good luck OP!

 

[pooh4evr]

I am the same as Pooh4ever. Volleyball is close so I drop off but soccer is too far away. I do try to run an errand, walk, grade papers, something so I feel like I used the time. When I had little ones that had to tag along I brought toys or books for them. It worked out. Edited to add OP I understand it is hard to take the little ones!

Who do you play for Pooh? DD is playing for SLSG.

DD plays on a Lou Fusz u10 team, maybe I'll see you on "soccer road" (the road both complexes are on in Maryland Heights) or the trails around Creve Coeur Lake, Mondays, and Thursdays, I think youngest DD 6 will start with the academy teams in the spring so add 2 more nights! I LOVE it though, and more importantly so do they!

 

[soccerdad72]

Sometimes the little kids are forced to sit through the big kids' stuff, sometimes the big kids are forced to sit through the little kids' stuff, depending on our schedule that week. Do they always love it or have fun, no. I can assure you my 12 year old son does not enjoy watching his 4 year old sister's ballet lesson.

I hear you there. I always laugh when my 12 year old starts whining about having to sit through his brother's sports and remind him that his brother sat through 5+ years of his sports when he was too young to play himself. Now it's payback time.

I should point out that he should consider himself lucky. At least it's soccer and basketball and not ballet. And heck, some of my younger son's clube soccer games are pretty darn good, actually. I've even caught my older son getting into some of them, despite his best attempts at being surly.

 

[Jaime4004]

OP,

I don't think you sounded negative at all. I got the impression that you would extend yourself for your daughter if it was what she wanted.

I also got the impression that you needed support that you weren't a terrible mom for not wanting to take your daughter who lacks enthusiasm for a sport ( rec level) at the inconvenience to you and your other kids.

I don't think you are risking the chance of her never playing again or getting a scholarship.

I do also agree that it is indeed unfair to the other kids too. For those who disagree, don't you just want to be able to be home sometimes?

When we were signing our daughters up for travel soccer, dh asked me if I was okay with it. He told me that I was the one who would have to cart them to training, games, and tournaments bc of his schedule. I love watching them play bc they are passionate. So, therefore, I don't mind. Luckily, they are twins and play for the same team.

OP- good luck.

That's what I got out of this also. It seems that mom would know if DD truly loved softball and really wanted to play. I also would not want to commit so much time to a sport that she is indifferent about. Time to talk to her to find out what she really wants. I would explain that if she truly loves it, you have no problem taking her and would love to watch her. If she decides that maybe it is time to try something else, you would help her search for something that she would like to try (a nice 1 hr rec class in another sport is a good place to start )

I have DS7 on a swim team and DD9 on a gymnastics team. Luckily, I can drop off DD 3 nights/week and pick up at the end. DS7 is also 3 times/week but I have to stay. And while I enjoy watching him, I'd rather not be there because the pool area is stifling hot. If they did not love it, we would not be doing it. There are plenty of less time consuming sports/rec classes. I do feel bad for DS5, who is dragged around to all these practices. And I'm afraid of the day when DS 5 finds something he is interested is, not sure where we would find the time as we have activities currently 7 days/week. He does take a rec gymnastics and swimming class but it's not time consuming at this point, he is in 1/2 day preschool 3 days/week.

I also applaud parents who work full time, then chauffeur kids to various activities. I feel exhausted and only work on weekends.