Related to my previous post "Can't keep a secret"

[Disney Freak Numero Uno]

Hi everyone. I'd appreciate some advice. As I mentioned in my previous post, I shared a secret with my mentally unstable brother. Now that thanksgiving is coming, his wife is fishing around for an invitation. She spoke to my other sister in law and is upset that we are not all getting together. Of course, this is totally because no one wants to invite my brother. He always gets drunk and starts fighting .
Now I feel sorry for his kids. The poor boys will have to spend the holidays at home alone with their parents. But at this point I don't think I can reconcile with him unless he stops the drinking and admits and apologizes to all of us for how he's treated us. All of my other siblings are also conflicted about this. Is there any solution ? Should I speak to his wife since she clearly doesn't understand the magnitude of the problems he has caused. Thanks.

 

[lifesavacation]

Have a frank conversation with your brother and SIL. They can come only if they behave and will be asked to leave if they can’t.

ETA: And don’t serve alcohol if it’s a problem.

Edited again: And don’t drag your other siblings into the conversation. Own what you expect.

 

[gotomu212]

I don’t get why subjecting your kids and nieces and nephews to a big family meltdown/drunk uncle is any better than saving his kids from having a quiet thanksgiving at home (for what it’s worth I’ve had many thanksgivings as a kid and adult that were just with my nuclear family—being with just your parents on thanksgiving isnt horrible).

He’s not going to apologize to you all, and he’s not going to stop drinking-at least not by Thursday. Save yourself and your extended family the drama and don’t give it a second thought.

 

[wenrob]

I stopped family holiday get togethers ( they always happened at my house) in part due to drunken stupidity. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My holidays are mine now and so peaceful. I actually get to enjoy them.

As a PP mentioned you can stop serving alcohol but it my experience it doesn’t stop people from drinking before they arrive and being good and hammered before things even begin.

You need to be honest with your sister in law. Avoiding the topic won’t make it better. The reality is, nothing will make it better. No ground rules, talks etc. are going to change your brother. Those changes need to come from him. You pretty much have two choices. Have the get together without him or put up with him. There really is no in between.

 

[morgan98]

Have a frank conversation with your brother and SIL. They can come only if they behave and will be asked to leave if they can’t.

ETA: And don’t serve alcohol if it’s a problem.

Edited again: And don’t drag your other siblings into the conversation. Own what you expect.

I most definitely would not alter serving alcohol at a holiday in order to cater to the poor behavior of some who has repeatedly proven to be a problem and that others do not want at the party anyway.

ETA: I guess I did not finish my thought. So, I would not invite the problematic brother.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would be honest with the offending couple.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I would not be enabling anyone with alcohol. And you will not get a I'm sorry. Sometimes you have to stay away from relatives that toxic.

You as the parent decide who you subject your own children to. But if it were me , I would not be having them at my home and enjoy the day with my family. I can not worry about pleasing other people. But there is a solution to your problem.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

This situation is more than strangers can handle for you.
You have to determine whether you want to associate with him or not.
Stop debating about things.
Either invite and hide the alcohol or don't invite and move on.

 

[wenrob]

This situation is more than strangers can handle for you.
You have to determine whether you want to associate with him or not.
Stop debating about things.
Either invite and hide the alcohol or don't invite and move on.

This just won’t work. People who drink to excess/have a drinking problem will absolutely find a way to drink and the results will be even worse. I wish I didn’t have so much experience with these types of scenarios but I do. People will “pre drink” AND bring booze to your house, they’ll just sneak it. They don’t think they have a problem. If they won’t curb their behavior for the holidays when booze is allowed they’re certainly not going to curb their behavior when it isn’t. You can’t control how people are going to behave.

 

[mummabear]

Don’t invite them. Don’t be bullied into offering an invite becuase she is fishing for one. Dont ruin everyone else’s thanksgiving to please your brother and SIL. If she (or he) asks if your are doing something, or why they havent got an invite be upfront about them not being invited this year, be prepared for them to blame it on you, don’t feel guilty.
You are hosting, you are not required to invite anyone you don’t want to.
Yes it sucks for his kids but your first responsibilty is to your own kids.

 

[ronandannette]

Have a frank conversation with your brother and SIL. They can come only if they behave and will be asked to leave if they can’t.

ETA: And don’t serve alcohol if it’s a problem.

Edited again: And don’t drag your other siblings into the conversation. Own what you expect.

OP - please don't miss that last part. If you haven't been "elected to speak for the group" you only speak for yourself. Set any boundaries you want but DO NOT expect the rest of your siblings to have to do the same thing. Maybe some of them will still want to get together with your brother and his family. That has to be OK.

 

[gillep]

I would not invite a toxic person to my home, and I certainly wouldn't subject my own family to such nonsense. I would however, have the conversion with my brother and SIL, and let them know that no invitation to my home will be forthcoming and why. As other posters have mentioned, if one of your siblings chooses to spend the holiday with your brother that's on them, and has nothing to do with you.

Obviously your brother has issues that I am sure make spending time with him difficult, but in general I don't get the idea that having a small Thanksgiving with just parents and siblings is horrible, I much preferred those than the larger holidays with extended family.

 

[momz]

If you are hosting, invite who you want. But, let the other people know your intention to exclude your brother. This way, the invitees can decide for themselves whether or not they want to be a part of your drama with your brother.

You may find that some are happy with your guest list, others may be disinterested in participating.

Be prepared, just in case you end up with no guests.

But, if someone else is hosting, you cannot pressure them into including or excluding your brother. You can ask if your brother will be in attendance and then decide your plans.

In a family, excluding one group while inviting everyone else is certain to deepen already sore emotional wounds. But, if you make your intentions clear to everyone involved, it may actually help both you and your estranged brother to recognize the damage you are creating before irreparable harm is done.

For the record, it's not that hard to be polite for the duration of a meal. You could arrange for the gathering to be brief and end it before things have the chance to escalate.

 

[kuhltiffany]

We had similar drunken issues with my MIL. Solved that by moving up the time, we moved to family lunches, brunches or even breakfast (before she started drinking for the day)...