What do you wish your parents did differently (in your childhood)

[Tigger2252]

My childhood was miserable and I have raised my children exactly opposite of how I was raised. My parents were both alcoholics and my father used to beat my mother regularly. I don't mean slaps or shoves either. We are talking broken noses and arms. My mother frequently attempted suicide, usually in front of us. If there were any good memories I honestly can't recall them. Perhaps they just couldn't compete with the powerful bad memories. My brother escaped by graduating from high school and joining the Navy. My parents divorced during my junior year and my father got custody. I left during my senior year after I got my first and last black eye. I moved in with friends until I finished high school. After that I got a job and was on my own.

My mother stopped drinking when I was in my 20's. She started dating a wonderful man who treated her like gold. We were able to rebuild our relationship, and I thank God my children got to have good memories of her before she passed away. I tried to keep a relationship with my father, even inviting him to my wedding. He said he would come but he didn't show up. I never spoke to him again. He died last year and I felt nothing. I didn't go to the calling hours or funeral. My children never met him and didn't miss anything. They had my stepfather who worshiped them. He died almost two years ago and we miss him desperately.

My children have parents that don't drink, and have never had a serious argument in front of them. They are told they are loved every day. They are kissed every day. They know they are the most important people in my life. They know they can depend on me. I'm as reliable and steadfast as the sunrise. They have had all the stability and peace I never had. They have turned into such wonderful young women. It constantly amazes me that I managed to pull it off, even as emotionally stunted and scarred as I am.

 

[kimmar067]

My childhood was miserable and I have raised my children exactly opposite of how I was raised. My parents were both alcoholics and my father used to beat my mother regularly. I don't mean slaps or shoves either. We are talking broken noses and arms. My mother frequently attempted suicide, usually in front of us. If there were any good memories I honestly can't recall them. Perhaps they just couldn't compete with the powerful bad memories. My brother escaped by graduating from high school and joining the Navy. My parents divorced during my junior year and my father got custody. I left during my senior year after I got my first and last black eye. I moved in with friends until I finished high school. After that I got a job and was on my own.

My mother stopped drinking when I was in my 20's. She started dating a wonderful man who treated her like gold. We were able to rebuild our relationship, and I thank God my children got to have good memories of her before she passed away. I tried to keep a relationship with my father, even inviting him to my wedding. He said he would come but he didn't show up. I never spoke to him again. He died last year and I felt nothing. I didn't go to the calling hours or funeral. My children never met him and didn't miss anything. They had my stepfather who worshiped them. He died almost two years ago and we miss him desperately.

My children have parents that don't drink, and have never had a serious argument in front of them. They are told they are loved every day. They are kissed every day. They know they are the most important people in my life. They know they can depend on me. I'm as reliable and steadfast as the sunrise. They have had all the stability and peace I never had. They have turned into such wonderful young women. It constantly amazes me that I managed to pull it off, even as emotionally stunted and scarred as I am.

...what doesn't KILL us, makes us STRONGER, my friend.....

 

[discnewbie]

My childhood was miserable and I have raised my children exactly opposite of how I was raised. My parents were both alcoholics and my father used to beat my mother regularly. I don't mean slaps or shoves either. We are talking broken noses and arms. My mother frequently attempted suicide, usually in front of us. If there were any good memories I honestly can't recall them. Perhaps they just couldn't compete with the powerful bad memories. My brother escaped by graduating from high school and joining the Navy. My parents divorced during my junior year and my father got custody. I left during my senior year after I got my first and last black eye. I moved in with friends until I finished high school. After that I got a job and was on my own.

My mother stopped drinking when I was in my 20's. She started dating a wonderful man who treated her like gold. We were able to rebuild our relationship, and I thank God my children got to have good memories of her before she passed away. I tried to keep a relationship with my father, even inviting him to my wedding. He said he would come but he didn't show up. I never spoke to him again. He died last year and I felt nothing. I didn't go to the calling hours or funeral. My children never met him and didn't miss anything. They had my stepfather who worshiped them. He died almost two years ago and we miss him desperately.

My children have parents that don't drink, and have never had a serious argument in front of them. They are told they are loved every day. They are kissed every day. They know they are the most important people in my life. They know they can depend on me. I'm as reliable and steadfast as the sunrise. They have had all the stability and peace I never had. They have turned into such wonderful young women. It constantly amazes me that I managed to pull it off, even as emotionally stunted and scarred as I am.

I just wanted to say that you sound like such a strong, positive and resilient person.

 

[macraven]

....off-topic, but WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, GURL-FREN??!?!?!?

i suddenly have the urge to fry some bacon.............


bacon is my friend.
it makes me happy!

 

[HelenePA]

I wish my parents would have taken better care of themselves so they would be here now... They died very young (48 and 54) I want to live to see my grandkids...

 

[mamacatnv]

I was extraordinarily blessed with a wonderful childhood, and for that my parents sacrificed. My father was the CEO of a major global corporation and he sacrificed time away from us to ensure that we never wanted for anything. We were not spoiled per se (and I had many friends who were), but looking back, my childhood was insanely luxurious. My mother was a college professor who gave up her career to stay home with the six of us and give us a wonderful upbringing. They loved each other so much, and I remember them kissing frequently, holding hands always, going out to social events a lot, but I also know they made us, the children, the priority. Then my mother got sick far too young and died far too young and no amount of money in the world could cure her and therefore nothing could buy my dad more time with his best friend. While we were also robbed of her, at least we had our childhoods with her. They never got their "golden years".
So, I wish they'd spent more time together.

Oh, that made me sad, what a wonderful way to be able to "see" your parents

 

[cari12]

I wish my Mom wasn't a gambling addict because she broke our hearts over and over again. I remember being in grade 3 and coming home for lunch because there was no food to pack and the only thing in the fridge was jell-o and condiments. I remember having only potatoes for supper because there was nothing else. A kid should not have such worries.
My Dad was pretty great. He worked very hard to keep things afloat. When he had days off, he would do things with us kids and take us places. He was the one at my Christmas concerts, awards ceremonies and my high school graduation along with my 2 older sisters. My Mom did not come to those things.
As a Mom now, things I try to do differently are I take an interest in everything my kids do. I tell them I love them everyday because I didn't hear those words growing up.
The one thing I would say i need to work on as a parent is having more fun. I sometimes feel I do not even know how, if that makes any sense. I think I was forced to grow up too fast and be responsible for myself too young. Letting loose is what i need to do more of.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

My mom was a workaholic and my father was abusive (and I don't mean spanking, which I don't consider abuse...I mean beating with the metal part of a belt, slapping my face when I was a teenager and telling me to 'take it like a woman') - 'nuff said

 

[PaulaSB12]

If you choose to make your own porno collection, destroy it so your family doesn't have to find it. Naked 70+ father is not a picture you want in your mind.

 

[EdiePA]

I wish my dad had stood up for my sister and I. My mother was an abusive, bipolar, who self-medicated with alcohol. You never knew which mom you were coming home to. My dad knew all of this, but didn't intervene. I grew up feeling worthless, like I never matter. I will bear those scars (physical and emotional) for the rest of my life.

I tried to raise my sons in a peaceful, loving home. Unfortunately, their dad walked out when they were teenagers. And alcoholism has reared its ugly head in this generation (DS#1 and my nephew.) So, I guess I wasn't able to stop the cycle.

Edie

 

[ebtbmom]

Wow, I read everyone's replies and now I feel like the complaints I have about my parents are pretty silly. Sorry that so many people had to live through abuse and drug addiction, it's a lot more common than you think.

My mom was never good at sticking with punishments. She would ground me for the weekend and I ALWAYS was able to whine and complain and beg my way out of it. Not a good pattern to set up, and now I'm probably over the top with enforcing consequences for my son. She also had weird issues over my friends, I honestly think she was jealous of them and wanted me home to hang out with her. I often couldn't go out with them for random reasons like helping her clean out her closet, even to this day if I'm meeting a girlfriend for dinner she'll try to invite herself along. My dad worked ALL THE TIME. I know we needed the money, and I think my mom irritated him, but it would have been nice if he didn't work 2-3 jobs. I see him a lot more now than I did as a kid.

Honestly I worry a lot more about what I'm doing with my own kid. Being a parent is far more difficult than I had ever imagined and lately I don't feel up to the task. It is enormousely stressful to realize that you are responsible for another human beings life and making sure that they turn into fairly responsible productive citizens. Thank goodness I had the forsight to stop after having 1 kid.

 

[powellrj]

I wish my mother hadn't shown favorites. My brother has always been the favorite child. His wife and I have discussed it over the years. She feels for me because its so blatant and I feel for her because its hard to be the wive of the most wonderful child to walk the face of the earth.

I now see her doing it with my middle DS. Its awful how much she favors him over my other kids. She now sneaks to take him out so I don't know that she is doing it.

 

[rszdtrvl]

A lot of stuff. I have issues.

I wish :

I did not have to babysit my younger siblings. No child should have to be responsible on a regular basis for their siblings, IMO. No child should be designated as "the babysitter" (sorry Duggars..... ).

I was not told I had to move out of the house at age 18 (especially when my youngest brothers, age 18 and 25 still live at home).

I was not told from the moment I was 12 until I moved out that I had to get a job (especially when the above brothers are unemployed).

I wish my tech school after college had been paid for, instead of my dad nagging me every month about paying for the student loan my parents took out in their name for me. I was fresh out of tech school, in a big city 2 1/2 hours away from home, and every month I would get a reminder phone call about paying for that bill. It especially hurt when my parents paid for my other (25yo) brothers entire 2 years of community college.

I really wish I had better childhood memories. I think my mother is somewhat bipolar or something, and I have horrid memories of her yelling and threatening to drive into a tree with all of us in the vehicle. She was always stressed out and mentally unstable when I was younger.

I am sure there are more things I could post, but I try not to think about my childhood because it just ticks me off.



I can honestly say that my childhood has affected how I raise my CHILD (I am the oldest of 4 children, as is DH) because DH and I decided to only have ONE child. That bipasses a lot of the issues we both had growing up.

 

[JamesMom]

I wished they had given me up for adoption like my mom always told me they were going to do. The reason why she didn't? She "didn't want the neighbors to talk". I am the youngest, and if the neighbors had seen her go to the hospital pregnant,and then come home without a baby, they might talk. And so, that pretty much set the tone for my childhood.....

(insert sardonic laugh here). My mom told me in elementary school that the only reason she didn't abort me was because I would be her third husband's only child. Yep, sets a great tone, doesn't it.

I like to think my traveling dad was clueless about the abuse my mom despensed when he was gone. I thrived on the weekends under his presense because mom kept herself under check. But when he died when I was 15, she made it know that dad wouldn't be there to 'save' me anymore. I got my drivers permit the day after she got home from jail with a DWI. Yep, childhood was full of great memories...

My kids know they are wanted, loved and respected. They have realistic boundaries and involved parents. Not a mother who resented their intrusion into her life and never let them forget it.

So sorry to hear so much pain on this board. Hopefully, we can take solace that we aren't alone and are not powerless to change. Congrats to all of us to raising the next generation with care. Happy holidays!

 

[QVCshopper]

I actually found this thread very helpful, especially the sad stories. It's a shame anyone has to go through that, but interesting how some of our "lacking" parents use the excuse, "I just didn't know any better." Right...

It's hard to forgive and move on, but I have learned a lot from growing up the way I did and it's in some way made me a better person. For example, growing up poor can teach money management at an early age! And, of course, you try not to repeat the actions that hurt you.

 

[tvguy]

I can't think of a thing I'd change about what they did. My dad died when I was 9 and I sure wish I could change that. He was terminally ill for 2 years and my parents made a point of trying to have fun at home despite that. And now that my kids are grown, I can not tell you how much I appreciate all the things my mom did in raising me after my dad died. She never missed a school function, little league game, and I know there had to be times she was struggling to deal with work, house and raising a kid.

 

[tweedlemom]

--I wish my mom hadn't waited until I was a sophomore in college to tell me that she loved me for the first time ever.

--I wish I had pajamas growing up. Silly I know, but I never really had them. Maybe a random pair or 2. (I think that's why I always buy my kids pj's, to sort of make up for it!)

--I wish my parents had been more adament about disciplining my brother for verbally abusing me for years. They would just say stop it and he would continue to say mean and ugly things to me as soon as they left the room.

Other than that, I think they did the best they could. Neither of their parents were involved in their lives, so they had no role models in parenting or anyone to ask for advice. Now, I just do my best to give my kids what I never had. I ALWAYS tell them I love them every day, always make sure they have pj's and I make sure they know how important it is to be kind to one another. We stress apologizing and forgiving so that everyone always knows that each other is loved.

 

[Disneymadhouse]

It sounds a little bit silly, but I wish my mum hadn't made me eat brussel sprouts!! They are traditional here in England to have with Christmas day lunch.
On the first Sunday roast in December I had to have one, two the second Sunday etc. So by Christmas day I was having to eat 4 or 5. It took me years to figure out that I should eat them first to get them out of the way and then I could enjoy the rest of my meal.
Forcing me to eat them ( I wasn't allowed to leave the table until they were gone) hasn't worked as I haven't eaten them since I was in my late teens. My mum has asked me if I am going to give DD ( 3) one on christmas day. I said no - if she asks to try one fine , but no I'm not going to put on her plate to ruin her meal!!

Claire

 

[mrsklamc]

It sounds a little bit silly, but I wish my mum hadn't made me eat brussel sprouts!! They are traditional here in England to have with Christmas day lunch.
On the first Sunday roast in December I had to have one, two the second Sunday etc. So by Christmas day I was having to eat 4 or 5. It took me years to figure out that I should eat them first to get them out of the way and then I could enjoy the rest of my meal.
Forcing me to eat them ( I wasn't allowed to leave the table until they were gone) hasn't worked as I haven't eaten them since I was in my late teens. My mum has asked me if I am going to give DD ( 3) one on christmas day. I said no - if she asks to try one fine , but no I'm not going to put on her plate to ruin her meal!!

Claire

That is terrible, to make you dread what should be a good day like that!

 

[englishteacha]

I think my parents raised me pretty well, but I'm the youngest of 8. The same rules applied to me as applied to the 7 before me. In most cases that was OK, but the 1990s were very different from the 1970s, when most of my siblings were teens. They were very strict about how I dressed, who I spent time with, and what I was allowed to do.

I also HATE that my earliest memory of my dad is of being spanked. I loved my dad, but going back in my memory as far as I can go, the earliest, first memory of him is of being spanked. It made an impression, because I never got spanked again. I was about 2.5, maybe 3. He reacted out of anger because I slammed a door, and whooped my butt for it. I know he overreacted, my mom knew he overreacted, but that is how he was. He wasn't a bad person, but he made a bad decision.