What do you wish your parents did differently (in your childhood)

[NYEmomma]

I LOVED my childhood and had the best parents... still do.

Though I do wish my mom made me participate in the housework more. We never had to do anything around the house... not put the dishes in the dishwasher or clean our rooms or fold the laundry...

I got married at 21 and had NO housekeeping skills whatsoever. Didn't know how to set the dishwasher, how to do laundry, how often to dust/vacuum & the thought of cleaning a bathroom made me physically ill.

I'm going to make sure my kids learn to do all that stuff... don't know if I'll make them do "chores" per se, but I do want them to participate WITH me and have a little bit more responsibility than I did growing up.

 

[mickeyboat]

You know, I typed a long response listing many things I wish my parents had done differently. I even prefaced it by saying they did the best they knew how.

The whole time I was typing I kept thinking about my own children 30 years from now sitting in front of a monitor typing all the things they wish I had done differently. I am sure the list is long. It broke my heart.

In the end I realized that none of those things really mattered. I am living a happy, fulfilled life. My parents must have done something right.

So hats off to you, Mom and Dad. Bravo! I love you.

Denae

 

[harleyquinn]

You know, I typed a long response listing many things I wish my parents had done differently. I even prefaced it by saying they did the best they knew how.

The whole time I was typing I kept thinking about my own children 30 years from now sitting in front of a monitor typing all the things they wish I had done differently. I am sure the list is long. It broke my heart.

In the end I realized that none of those things really mattered. I am living a happy, fulfilled life. My parents must have done something right.

So hats off to you, Mom and Dad. Bravo! I love you.

Denae

Great response! I was similarly thinking that while my brother has issues, they are super tame, and we both turned out really well. I'd absolutely hate for my father or mother to read my post, though they actually know exactly how I feel. It's just the fact that I put that out there in cyberspace that bothers me.

 

[elainesj]

You know, I typed a long response listing many things I wish my parents had done differently. I even prefaced it by saying they did the best they knew how.

The whole time I was typing I kept thinking about my own children 30 years from now sitting in front of a monitor typing all the things they wish I had done differently. I am sure the list is long. It broke my heart.

In the end I realized that none of those things really mattered. I am living a happy, fulfilled life. My parents must have done something right.

So hats off to you, Mom and Dad. Bravo! I love you.

Denae

That's an excellent point. I know my parents did the best they could and at the end of the day, I'm completely secure that they both love me (even my poor Dad - who still is very clueless about what to do with kids). That is the most important thing to me and I will always be grateful to the both of them. I truly believe that this is the ultimate goal for a parent to strive for. Everything else is just extras.

Still, there's always things we can all do better. So with this reflection, I hope we can think about and talk about the little and big things that would have enhanced our childhood and consider the things we can do to enhance our own kids' childhood. (For example, I still wish my Dad learned how to be a better Dad. I know he loved us, but he had no idea how to enjoy us, kwim? I'm still sad that he missed out on that part of being a dad)

And for those with the sad childhood stories of parents who didn't care for one reason or another, Your stories really highlight the difference it makes for a child when a parent cares and when a parent doesn't.

So kudos to all the parents who care and show it!!

 

[disykat]

My parents did a great job and I'm raising my kids pretty much the same way they raised me. My husband and I both had parents we can emulate. However, like elainesj said, there are always things we can improve on.

The only thing I am trying to do intentionally different is to say "I love you" to my kids and to show them I really like them and am proud of them.

My husband and I laugh that his parents taught him "you're better than everyone else and don't you forget it!" and my parents taught me "You're no better than anyone else and don't you forget it!." I think DH has a superiority complex and I have an inferiority complex. We're striving for "we think you're great, we're proud of you, and we'll always love you and don't you forget it!" without somehow tying their worth to comparisons with others.

 

[Katy Belle]

I love my parents and do think they did their best.

The one thing that I do differently with my kids, because of them...is consequences for bad behavior. My brother was very violent as a teen and I was scared to death for years. I had nightmares into my 30s that he was trying to kill me. My parents never punished him. I spent years and years thinking they were favoring him because he was adopted and I was not. Now I realize neither one of us had consequences for our behavior. My behavior wasn't violent, but I drank young, broke curfew, that kind of thing, and there was never a punishment.

So...my kids will NOT live in fear of a sibling. They have consequences for their behavior.

 

[Arielle22]

Not a thing.

Both my parents have passed away. I lived knowing them enough by the time they died (I was 46) I saw what they did and how it affected so many lives. They lives and what they accomplished was shown in the respect they got from everyone who knew them and were affected by them.

If this question were asked when I was a teenager, in my 20s or 30s I guess the answer would've been different.

But now, all I want to do is BE like them. It's my goal. Nothing is more perfect than a role model that did what it took to leave a legacy like they did.

God bless my Mom and Dad. They weren't rich, perfect or highly educated, but they were the best parents a kid could possibly have.

Robin I totally agree with you. My Dad died when I was 17 and my mom when I was 30. I remember over the years thinking I would not make the same mistakes they made. As I got older I realized that they were not mistakes.

I tell my daughters that my mom didn't live long enough for me to realize this and thank her for my upbringing. My goal is to live long enough for my daughters to realize it about me.

Until my dad got sick I had a great childhood. Even when he was ill life was pretty good. After was a little rocky as I still had younger siblings but I know now that mom was trying to do what she deemed best.

 

[elainesj]

My parents did a great job and I'm raising my kids pretty much the same way they raised me. My husband and I both had parents we can emulate. However, like elainesj said, there are always things we can improve on.

The only thing I am trying to do intentionally different is to say "I love you" to my kids and to show them I really like them and am proud of them.

My husband and I laugh that his parents taught him "you're better than everyone else and don't you forget it!" and my parents taught me "You're no better than anyone else and don't you forget it!." I think DH has a superiority complex and I have an inferiority complex. We're striving for "we think you're great, we're proud of you, and we'll always love you and don't you forget it!" without somehow tying their worth to comparisons with others.

I'm trying to find that balance too. That's a tough one, isn't it?

 

[mamacatnv]

What do I wish they had done differently?
Everything.
I was raised by wingnuts. My mother is severely mentally ill and my father was so self absorbed with his issues that he hid from my Mother and sacrificed my brother and I to her whims of insanity and violence.

What have I done differently:
Just about everything.
The one thing that stands out the most in my mind was I made a vow to myself before DS was born that my children would know they were important to us. That we would raise them knowing they were wanted, were loved and were important. I know we have done that.

My Dad used to give me the line of crap "I did the best I could" No, actually he did not do the best he could, he did what was best for him.
He recently acknowledged this, I about fell over. I am 45 years old, Dad is 73 and we are just starting to figure out how to have some sort of relationship.

Mother is schizophrenic with severe dementia, there is no fixing that mess. I am her legal guardian and I oversee her care. I keep her safe, at this point that is the best I can do for her.

 

[DisneySarah80]

My father went to work, got home, and laid in bed. On weekends, he laid in bed. If I wanted to play catch with him, I had to ball up a pair of socks, and thrown them to him while standing next to the tv (so he could continue to watch tv) and he was always done within 5 minutes or so. He never played a sport with me, or played outside. Never helped me with my homework, never even had a conversation with me. I remember once yelling at my mother that if he cared about me at all, he would come out of his room, and tell me. I was about 15 feet away from his bedroom door. He never showed.

I try not to think about it.




On the other hand, my mother was (I guess) compensating for my lack of having a father, and bought me anything and everything I ever wanted. I didn't do well in school, and she would always say "If you get good grades, I will get you X Y & Z." I never got good grades, and I always got X Y & Z anyway....

I had a very hard time dealing with all this in my young adult life, especially right after I had my own kids. I remember my father once offering to carry my daughter in her car seat to my car for me. I think my (and every one elses) jaw hit the floor when I heard him offer that.... Our relationship is getting better, and like I said, I just try not to think about the depression that was my childhood.

 

[indimom]

My parents did a great job and I'm raising my kids pretty much the same way they raised me. My husband and I both had parents we can emulate. However, like elainesj said, there are always things we can improve on.

The only thing I am trying to do intentionally different is to say "I love you" to my kids and to show them I really like them and am proud of them.

My husband and I laugh that his parents taught him "you're better than everyone else and don't you forget it!" and my parents taught me "You're no better than anyone else and don't you forget it!." I think DH has a superiority complex and I have an inferiority complex. We're striving for "we think you're great, we're proud of you, and we'll always love you and don't you forget it!" without somehow tying their worth to comparisons with others.

I love this! Well Put.

My parents were great and did their best. Were there mistakes along the way? Sure. But, they are still good people I'm proud to call my parents.
I can really only think of one thing I have consciously chosen to do differently and that's discussing hard issues with my kids. My parents were always very private and proper, so they never talked about drugs or sex or predators or any other issues that might be 'difficult'. I feel it's important so I do talk about to my kids about these things.

 

[katie26]

My parents were - and are - absolutely wonderful parents. I can only hope that I will, one day, be half as good as they were.

The only two things I wish they'd done differently - I wish they'd insisted on getting me braces as a teenager, and I wish they'd been more adamant about making sure I got enough physical activity. I don't have kids yet so obviously y'all should take my "when I have kids, I'm gonna..." for what it's worth but... when I have kids, I'm gonna make sure they're at least doing *something* that involves physical activity. Swimming, baseball, ballet, whatever... I want them to be involved in something that teaches them from an early age that staying active is an important part of life. I was a bookworm, and while my folks did attempt to get me to do things like gymnastics and dance classes, they also always let me quit when things got tough. I wish they would have insisted I stick with it - though honestly, if they hadn't, I probably would have been here griping about how I wish my parents had let me quit ballet class!

And as for braces - I am now, at thirty years old, about to start a two year course of braces to correct my severely overcrowded teeth. It's outrageously expensive, not covered by insurance (though it would have been covered by my parents' when I was a teenager) and I think it's going to be a little bit... well, socially awkward. It's definitely my fault - I mean, they certainly offered to get me braces at 12 and 13... but I wish they'd been more forceful. Like, "No, we're the parents, you're the kid, get in the car, we're going to the orthodontist." When I have kids, I'm gonna take them straight from Labor & Delivery to an orthodontist!

 

[Feralpeg]

I lived a very comfortable life growing up thanks to the hard work of my dad. He worked his way up from the section gang on a railroad to CFO of Kansas City Southern Railroad. He did this with only an 11th grade education. How? Hard work. Very hard work.

He worked constantly. He'd get home about 6 pm each night. We'd have dinner and then, he'd pull out his briefcase and work for a couple of hours. He worked every Saturday and most Sundays for at least half a day.

We never went on a family vacation. The closest to a vacation would be when he needed to go somewhere on business. One time, we went to Chicago and another time to New Orleans. We always went by train, because we had free passes. On those trips, my dad would work half a day and then, do something with us.

My mom never worked. He didn't want her to work. He wanted her to be at home for us. I applaud that, but I wish he would have relaxed a bit more, but he had an incredible work ethic. For instance, he had to have open heart surgery at age 36. Back then, it was a fairly new procedure. Patients were off work for six months after the surgery. Even while off recuperating, he had people bring some work home to him. When it came time to hand out the executive bonuses for the year, he turned his down. He felt he had not earned it. I fact, he turned them down for three years following his surgery.

In the end, he died at age 57 from a massive heart attack. While we lived a very nice life, I would much preferred to have lived a little less well and have had more time with my dad.

For that reason, I have done everything in my power to spend as much quality time with my daughter as possible.

 

[Delaney21]

I wish my parents would have said No more often. Seriously. Not necessarily about material things because we didn't have a lot of extra money, but just everything in general. If any of us kids asked to do something, we got to do it. Once I grew up, it was hard to suddenly be hit with learning to deal with not having it my way and having to compromise on things - you know, basic living in the real world. I have learned to do these things effectively on my own, but it was hard at first. My brother and sister agree with me on this one.

 

[MrsDuck]

I wish my parents hadn't forced me into so many activties. I hated all of them except theater.. but I picked that myself.

I know they were doing what they thought was right but I resent my summers and weekends being spent doing things I hated: tennis camp, clarinet lessons, volleyball camp, etc.

Overall, that's all I have to complain about. My parents were wonderful. I hope to raise my children the way they raised me.. except with fewer forced activites.

 

[penn19]

I wished they had given me up for adoption like my mom always told me they were going to do. The reason why she didn't? She "didn't want the neighbors to talk". I am the youngest, and if the neighbors had seen her go to the hospital pregnant,and then come home without a baby, they might talk. And so, that pretty much set the tone for my childhood.....

 

[lizabu]

My parents were abusive too and I get it. They grew up that way too. But thats the major thing I decided to change with my kids. I feel like I broke the cycle. I don't hit my kids and I never tell them they are worthless or blame them for things. I want them to grow up to be strong and confident. I don't believe in breaking a child down to build them back up as a parenting method.

 

[MzDiz]

I wish my parents would have taken parenting classes. My mother, to this day, insists that she was a good parent. She saw herself calling me names as just telling the truth. She thought I was a loser, so she told me that I was a loser. She still doesn't see anything wrong with calling people names.

My father hit me more than he hugged me. I'm pretty sure I'd change everything about him.

She says I raised my kids like a hippy; directionless and irresponsible. They're growing into successful young adults though. I'm so proud of my kids. Pfffft at my bitter mother.

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

i wish they wouldn't have been so over-protective. it made the real world a real slap in the face. sure it made me stronger than ever, but it would have made age 19-24 a whole lot better.

they also are 100% italian and cook from scratch. when i was out on my at 19 i had my first taste of jarred spaghetti sauce, canned gravy, pre-packaged meat, and frozen dinners. ugh--what an adjustment that was. when we finally re-kindled and sorted our our differences--the first thing i did was ask for all the recipes of course they don't tell you 1 cup of this... they tell you... eh, a handful, a dash--you'll know. Ummmm I'm only 50% Italian--maybe I didn't get that cooking ESP

 

[Kimbysmom]

OMG, LuvLuvLuv, my parents were extremely over-protective of me too. And yeah, the real world was quite a shock to my system when I first entered it.

My parents were and still are pretty amazing. The only thing I would have changed about my mom is that I wish she would have put down the dust rag and dish cloth and actually played with us. I've made it a point, since my daughter was old enough to start playing, to have fun with her as often as possible. Sure, sometimes I'm too busy myself. However, I always go back on the weekend or whenever and play Barbies or have a dance party or tea party. Heck, sometimes when she plays school, I play teacher's helper, . I just wish my mom would have done the same with me at that age, because I truly cherish the memories I make with my daughter just having fun together.

I also was spanked as a child, and there were a lot of times, that I would put my hands in the way out of instinct, and my dad would then wail on my hands and arms. He actually apologized to me several years ago for his behaviour, but it did leave a very negative impression on me. BTW, my dad treats the grandkids like the sun rises and sets around them . Typical.