Would you...could you live with in-laws?

[2021isworse]

Thank you all! I don’t feel so guilty now. I guess I just needed validation for my feelings. My parents lived in assisted living for their last months/years. I also couldn’t have lived with them. Someone said it was hard enough to deal with their finances and such. I agree. I did all that for my parents as well. At least I did have my sister who did a LOT. My husband’s siblings live far away from us so we are the only ones to care for them. His dad was JUST beginning to warm up to assisted living when he went into the hospital. His mom is still against it. We will see. I can definitely voice my opinion to my husband. I THINK we are still on the same page. It just scares me when he gets upset and starts talking about feeling guilty about his dad’s care when he has NOTHING to feel guilty about. We were over at their house Saturday night and he was saying how sad it was that his dad might never be there again and that his last memory of it might be that he was trying to push him out of it. I know that he really does know that it is best for them to have care outside of the home. No one can handle his dad on their own. He is a big fella. I just don’t want him to get any ideas about us living with them. As much as I love him, I still don’t think I could do it.

 

[QueenIsabella]

The object is to get them proper care, which you can't give them yourself. How could you, with a full-time job? Focus on finding a comfortable, well-run facility where they can get proper care. We did this when MIL realized that it was no longer safe for her to live alone. Not only could BIL visit her at any time, as I mentioned above, but they could really visit--he was there to be with her, not hang a picture or rake her yard or whatever. She got excellent care. She did have two complaints, however: 1, that it cost too much (never mind that she had money, and we were thrilled that she was spending it on self care), and 2, that the food was so good, she was gaining weight! Again, we were thrilled--she'd been subsisting on Lean Cuisines for a couple years before the move, and at the ALF, she got a variety of fresh, chef-prepared meals.

 

[LovesTimone]

I think I can speak to this... On a personal level as well as professional level.

I have been going through the same thing with my parents... all last year into this year.. Thankfully neither of them had Covid, they just had everything else health related, my Dad was in ICU for over a week, then several days on another floor, then went to the nursing home for rehab, then back to the hospital, then back to the nursing home, I picked him up the day they closed all the nursing homes. My mom, 4 different trips the ER and all resulted in at least 1 or 2 nights stay. Right now things have leveled out, and they are both doing much better, both have had both vaccines each so they are protected... My Dad was non-compliant with everything... would not wear the back belt, did not want to take the med's... did not want therapy, Same thing with my mom not listening to what the doctors said... Then I went to the doctor with them, and found out that they were not telling the doctor what was going on, So once I started filling the Doctors in on what was really happening... Things started changing... One doctor said to my Dad if we don't know we can't help you.
My dad got all mad at me, which by that point I really did not care if he was mad or not... Once my Mom started feeling better, and getting the right med's things have turned around, it has been a slow process yet progress very day...

Professionally- I worked in Long Term Care and Rehab facility, Alzheimer's Units, Assisted Living, and Independent Living... In accessing my parents they need would be so much better off in a Independent Living facility, so they would not have to worry about meals, cleaning, rides to the Doctors, activities and such.. they still would have their own apartment so still have independence, just so much less to deal with. They live in their home right now. Just with what you have posted her, that Assisted living with your FIL having mobility issues, and MIL having the beginning of dementia, would be they way to go. You might want to approach him as it would be better for your MIL.

Personally - As my parents care giver, medical and financial POA. Which I gladly accept and I'm honored that they chose me to be the one to do this for them. As a child even adult child, you feel that there are boundaries that you should respect, and after all they are your parents. At one point I felt that I was drowning with trying to deal with all my Dad shenanigans, and my mom depression and anxiety, as well as the medical and financial issues that were cropping up, then throw in this whole big mess with Covid... I called a friend that is a elder care therapist, and talked to her for a bit... She really helped me understand what was going on with them. As well helped me face what was happening, and gave me some tools to deal with it... First and foremost she told me that I had to have a conversation with myself and honest conversation with myself, on what I can and can not do... She said at first kids will say oh sure you can live with us, never realizing whats to come... She said once I had really been honest then I need to have a direct conversation with my parents, and tell them what you can and will do to help them and what you can't and won't do and stick to it... She said if you waver, they will see it as a sign you will change your mind. None of this is easy to deal with. Yet the sooner you deal with it the better off you all will be...

You have to be completely honest with your DH, tell him how you feel and ask the hard questions and look at the long run, not just right now, setting aside the emotions... Make a list of questions, how will this effect each of you, physically, mentally, and financially... How is this going to effect your marriage, if things drag on for years and years. If they both move in..... Where will you end up, and it will take a toll on you.

I also want to touch base if your MIL has slight dementia, this is something that does not get better, and are you equipped to handle it, in the long term. I hope you don't think that I am being crass, If your FIL was to pass away, and they are living with you, how will you handle your MIL needs. As well with Dementia and Alzheimers, as the mind start to fail, so does basic care of oneself, eating, dressing, sleep patterns, showering, using the bathroom which is another whole thing, from accidents to having to have someone change adult diapers, as well could your DH do this for his mom, help her shower or change her... as well are you comfortable doing this for the both of them... these are all things that could happen...

Your FIL has great mobility issues, which is a huge risk... god forbid he falls, what about showering elderly people get to the point that they don't want to shower, because they are afraid of falling, and again things like using the bathroom comes into play. As well if he or she for that matter was to fall, how are you going to get them up? If your FIL is demanding that is something that is not going to change.

As well you have to think about their safety in your home, grab bars in the shower, shower chairs... furniture placement, even things like throw rugs or kitchen mats, Meal times, and if you both work who is going to do all that. If you guys want to travel or just spend the day out shopping who is going to care for them... What if you want to have friends over for dinner, they will be right there...Right now it might be okay, looking ahead it might not always be okay... how will you handle that if it happen...

Then thinking of the financial impact this will have on you... adding to more people in the house all day will effect everything, more laundry, more groceries, more meals to make, more cleaning of the house, light and water bills will go up. Again not wanting to be crass, I would assume that they will help out in this area, with that comes this thought, and I say this as my good friend went through this with her FIL, Well I give you "blank amount a month" I pay you to take care of me, so I expect this and this and that. Wants he meals at a certain time, and wants lights out like at 7:30.. We were over there for a birthday dinner, and were sitting out on the deck just talking just the 4 of us, it was around 7:30 and her FIL came out and started telling us to be basically go home, he was trying to rest and this was his house and he pays all the bills, and we kids should have more respect... and yes he has always been that way... He had been living with them for 4 years at this point. My friend left her DH, she packed up that night and left... she stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks, and rented a studio apartment for 3 months. Her DH moved his Dad into an assisted living facility... Which he is still living at 3 years later, and still is as grouchy as a bear with a thorn in his paw. She said that she had misgivings from the very start, but did not want to hurt her DH... and thought she could just deal with it.

I sat down with my parents, and to be perfectly honest I was a nervous wreck, yet I knew that I had to be honest with them... I had to let them know what I could do so that they could plan accordingly... That I loved them very much, I needed them to know where I was at, and So I just told them what I was able and willing to do, and what I wasn't able to do. They kept trying to get me to commit that my mom could live with me, if my Dad was to pass away first... Which I stood firm and told them that was not a option. I will say that they hint around all the time, seeing if I will give in or change my mind... Which I stand firm... When they start in about the house and all the stuff, like a new air conditioner, or having the house painted, and new dish washer... I ask them well are you ready to do something different... to which the answer is no... then I change the subject... To go back and forth to my parents house is 130 miles round trip.. I try to go every other week to see them, I take them a home cooked meal, and some treats, and I talk to them everyday... I know that eventually I will have to step in and just take over and make the decisions, right now we are in a sweet period... I pray and hope it last for a while.

I hope you don't think that I was trying to make you upset, at first after I talked to my friend that therapist, I kinda thought she was harsh, the more I thought about it, and talked things over with my DH, and DD... I realized she had given me alot to think about, Good solid information, and tools to help me reach the conclusion that I already knew... really what that was from the very beginning, it gave me the knowledge and courage to move forward and put it into words.... Each person has a different set of circumstances, so everything is different. I know this is hard, and I'm truly sorry that your going through this... sending hugs and prayers to you and your family...

 

[ronandannette]

I'm the "inlaw" here and there is no way I would want to live with my sons and DILs. Love 'em all but nope. Hopefully I can live as long as I can on my own....with, of course, family members coming by to take care of things for me. Our neighbor across the street is 92 and her three kids/spouses always come by on their designated days. That's what I want.

Unfortunately, what your neighbours are doing (or what you perceive they’re doing) is often much more like what @1GoldenSun describes below. It is a tremendous load for a family to carry and much, much harder than the elder understands.

What I think can be almost worse than moving them in with you is when they refuse to move in, but also refuse to go anywhere else, and insist on remaining "independent." But they're not independent. This happened to a good friend of mine with her FIL. He was opinionated and grouchy, to put it charitably, and my friend didn't really want to bring him to live with them, but it didn't really matter because he refused to move in with them or his daughter's family or into a care facility even when he was well past the point where he could care for himself at home.

My friend was a stay-at-home mom at the time, and with her husband and other family working, it fell on her to go take care of his needs all the time. It started small and then just escalated to the point where she was spending at least a couple hours over at his house almost every day. What was the very worst was that he was very resentful of his physical decline and seemed to enjoy using her as a verbal punching bag to cheer himself up. Her husband and SIL knew and they did care but for the longest time they chose to look away from how bad the situation was for my friend because they couldn't come up with a better solution. He was terrible about keeping his meds straight, and took great pleasure in dumping out the pill boxes my friend meticulously measured out. It wasn't until an issue with his medication landed him in the hospital and brought his situation to the attention of others that they were all told by medical authorities that he could absolutely not live alone anymore. Then he went into a care facility, and actually seemed to get in a better humor after he got used to it. He found a group of other stodgy old men to sit around and watch Hannity with and bash today's youth.

I don't want to move in with my children in my old age, but I also don't want to expect them to come to me and cater to my needs. I'll happily go into a facility. I am very willing to regularly visit my older family members at their assisted living facilities when the time comes. I'll bring them treats and things to keep them busy and have lunch and a chat, and know that someone else is caring for their personal needs. I am NOT willing to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bathing, medicating, and other needs of my family members when they can no longer do these things themselves in their own homes. I saw what happened to my friend.

 

[LovesTimone]

What I think can be almost worse than moving them in with you is when they refuse to move in, but also refuse to go anywhere else, and insist on remaining "independent." But they're not independent. This happened to a good friend of mine with her FIL. He was opinionated and grouchy, to put it charitably, and my friend didn't really want to bring him to live with them, but it didn't really matter because he refused to move in with them or his daughter's family or into a care facility even when he was well past the point where he could care for himself at home.

My friend was a stay-at-home mom at the time, and with her husband and other family working, it fell on her to go take care of his needs all the time. It started small and then just escalated to the point where she was spending at least a couple hours over at his house almost every day. What was the very worst was that he was very resentful of his physical decline and seemed to enjoy using her as a verbal punching bag to cheer himself up. Her husband and SIL knew and they did care but for the longest time they chose to look away from how bad the situation was for my friend because they couldn't come up with a better solution. He was terrible about keeping his meds straight, and took great pleasure in dumping out the pill boxes my friend meticulously measured out. It wasn't until an issue with his medication landed him in the hospital and brought his situation to the attention of others that they were all told by medical authorities that he could absolutely not live alone anymore. Then he went into a care facility, and actually seemed to get in a better humor after he got used to it. He found a group of other stodgy old men to sit around and watch Hannity with and bash today's youth.

I don't want to move in with my children in my old age, but I also don't want to expect them to come to me and cater to my needs. I'll happily go into a facility. I am very willing to regularly visit my older family members at their assisted living facilities when the time comes. I'll bring them treats and things to keep them busy and have lunch and a chat, and know that someone else is caring for their personal needs. I am NOT willing to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bathing, medicating, and other needs of my family members when they can no longer do these things themselves in their own homes. I saw what happened to my friend.

This is my parents they say that they are independent yet they are not... They absolutely will not budge on moving into a Senior living environment. I have been round and round with them... My mom is "I'm want to die in this house", and "leave you and your brother something"... I was at the end of my rope... I am my parents care giver, and POA for both for medical and financial needs. As well they were not being forth coming with all the doctors and were giving a different version of what was really happening, After I started going to the doctors with them, I was like excuse me, that's not whats going on... this is what is really happening... and since them at least for my Mom, I finally convinced her to take the anti-anxiety med's... and it been several months now and what a huge difference it has made... My dad is still non-complaint with certain things, but at least he is now taking his med's like he is suppose to.

Finally I spoke to a Elder therapist who I use to work with, and she gave me alot of great advice, and information, some of it was hard to hear and even what I thought at the time harsh... and the best advice was that I had to be honest with myself on what I can and can not do... and then tell my parents that so that they can plan accordingly moving forward... and stick to what I said going forward... her words..." Stand your Ground with them" which I will say that after some soul searching, and talking to DH and DD... Once I said it out loud, it was a relief...
I did get some legal advice of my own, and pretty much everything that I thought was in the ball park. The one thing that was made clear, that they are adults, and can make their own decisions, until their safety, and well being comes into play or medical diagnosis ... and then there are paths to follow...

Once I decided on where I was at, I had a frank and direct discussion with them... While not easy at all, and there were some tears... I felt immensely better, and like she said I have stood my ground with them... I had to kinda push for the next step... We just went and had their attorney go over everything with the 3 of us, things like Social Security and how it works, and medicare, issue on the house, credit cards, my Dads pensions checks, If one of them is in the nursing home how will my mom live as her SS is not in no way something she could even live on if my Dad was in the nursing home how all that works here in Florida... and a few other things... For them it was a bit of a shock on how it really works, and they really seemed to get the picture. I will say for me it was really informative, and enlightening... and totally worth the couple hundred dollars to get this information, we also had them look at all the paperwork, and the attorney realized that a few things needed to be updated, and several minor changes were made... so that is all taken care of...

My friend the elder therapist gave me some tools - on how to prepare to discuss trigger points with them, verbal tools, how to approach things, and even my body language when dealing with something that they don't really want to deal with or do, or put it off... They have helped me keep focused on what I need to discuss and articulate what I need to say, In a way that they don't feel like I'm trying to boss them around...

 

[Skippy918]

MIL living with us? No way. Dh and his mom have had their issues and they tolerate each other now. She’s 75, we both work full time and have kids. I don’t have the capacity to do it. She would understand because she was a full time caretaker for her aunt, so at least she knows how hard it would be. Financially though is a whole other question. We’d have to sell her house to pay for nursing home care if that ever happens. Mil is a shopaholic and spends money on frivolous things, runs up credit cards like nobody’s business. She thinks she’ll get a handout from us, but nope, not happening.

My parents have already told us to put them in assisted living when the time comes. They don’t want to burden us. My mom is currently taking care of grandma. They have a daytime caregiver since my mom can’t do it all either. She does stay with grandma at night. Grandma is 97 and her mental acuity is not all quite there. She’s fallen a few times, but she’s still independent enough to not really require nursing home care yet.

 

[BayouQueen]

I want to add something else to think about, if nobody else has touched on it.

The initial move to assisted living is a "hard sell" to elderly people who are having a hard time admitting they do need the care. It's a hurdle to get over. In our family, my mother was settled into a place and then one of my sisters decided she'd like to step in and bring her home to her house. It proved to be too difficult for my sister, so my mother had to be moved back to assisted living -- a different location, as the original one wasn't available.

This upheaval was really hard on everyone -- particularly on my mom. We all really regretted how that unfolded. So if in doubt, don't take it on.

 

[Darcy03231]

Not only couldn't I live with the in-laws, I couldn't live with my own parents. Neither DH nor I have any training in caring for medical needs of elderly parents. While both of DH's parents are now deceased, luckily they never needed us or his sister to care for them. DH's father had Alzheimers and his mother kept him home with help from a nursing service. His mother developed pancreatic cancer and went downhill really fast. In 2 months she went from living on her own, to assisted living, to nursing home. She died within 2 months of being diagnosed. Both my parents are living and fortunately in good health. We've talked about what would happen if they could no longer live on their own and their plan is to go to assisted living or a nursing home when they can no longer take care of themselves.

 

[disykat]

I'll add some more details here, because I'm guessing there are quite a few people out there learning from our experiences. I had to be the "bad guy" with my parents. They wanted to stay in their home, they kept firing people I talked them into hiring to help them because they didn't see the need. My siblings thought we should "respect their wishes." I was the one who took away their cars, coerced them into moving and my siblings into agreeing to it, etc. It was HARD. I was traveling (and still am, now that visits are open again) 900 miles round trip as frequently as I could (ended up retiring early) to do everything. As hard as it was, and as resentful about that as I still am at times, IT WAS WORTH IT. Every single one of them, including my dad in a moment of lucidity, has thanked me for it.

A couple of us have mentioned food. My mother's health problems/blood work improved dramatically almost overnight when they moved due to the options in the dining room. Don't underestimate how much their health might actually improve with a more appropriate level of care. As others mentioned, another benefit is lovely visits where you can enjoy each other's company, have relaxed meals together, etc. instead of dealing with just care.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well since @disykat did it , I thought of something else to add, too.

What I wanted to say was that, at home, things take much longer and are a lot harder than they are when done at a hospital or nursing facility, because there, you have a group of already skilled people who can tackle a chore, with all the necessary equipment on hand, and get it done well and relatively quickly.

At home, it can be sort of a Mickey Mouse job: one or two people who may or may not be very skilled, with often not-quite-the-right-equipment on hand, trying to put pieces into a puzzle that don’t quite fit, and subsequently perhaps not doing as good or efficient a job.

Something that takes fifteen minutes in the hospital can drag on for two hours at home.

At times it was a little frustrating for me to be used to care going pretty smoothly at work, but encountering extra choppy waters at home. But the thing is, I knew what I needed, so I could either improvise, something could be delivered later, or I could just do the best I could with what I had. This would not work for everyone - at all, and I suspect things like this are what occurs when people realize they can’t do it anymore. Just a glimpse into the realities of caring for infirm and needy loved ones at home.

 

[Nagle]

NO!

 

[fla4fun]

As someone who went through the caretaker phase for both of my parents, I would not wish that on anyone. When my time comes, I will happily go somewhere the professionals can take care of me. It was tough, and particularly my mom felt bad about all we had to do when she couldn’t do for herself. My sister had it worse because her FIL was going through it the same time as our parents, so she was pulled both ways. My best advice would be to take a clear look at what you are, and are not, capable of and stick to it. You are of no help to anyone if you are in over your head.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I’m struggling here. In laws are elderly. FIL is in hospital now. Back and forth on whether he is going to make it. My poor husband is really struggling with the possibility of losing his daddy. I completely understand as I have lost both of my parents. It is very hard. We tried to get them to agree to going to assisted living for the past several months. She has slight dementia and he has great mobility issues. It would be good for both of them. They have mentioned us all living together and us helping them. We both have full time jobs and several more years to retirement. Even if we could, I just can’t commit to that. I love his parents but it is very depressing to me to even think about living with them. My husband has been against it also. I’m just afraid that all of these feelings of possibly losing his dad will change his mind. I feel like I am being selfish even thinking about it and that I just can’t bring myself to even think that I MIGHT could do it. I am so afraid it is going to come up again. They are very good people but dad is a bit demanding. Has always made things go his way. Money isn’t an issue. They can definitely afford assisted living. Could you live with your in laws?

I understand your situation.
I couldn't live with with my own parents.
The fact that you both work FULL TIME is the deciding factor IMO period. To change that dynamic, to take care of them. could drastically affect your financial future.

 

[bushdianee]

Never married so no in laws here. About 20 years ago my grandmother moved in with my parents and I due to health issues. It was a very hard move on her because she had been living on her own in NY and we live in Nebraska. She adored my dad who was her son in law and treated him like a king, he could do nothing wrong in her eyes. She treated my mom, her daughter horribly. A few months after the move she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and declined quickly. I had her power of attorney, medical and financial so when the time came for a nursing home ( I worked full time and my parents weren't able to do the physical care she needed) I was the one to make the decision not my mom so that my grandmother could blame me not her. My grandmother still took it out on my mom causing my mom to go into depression and contributed to health issues.

 

[LovesTimone]

A couple of us have mentioned food. My mother's health problems/blood work improved dramatically almost overnight when they moved due to the options in the dining room. Don't underestimate how much their health might actually improve with a more appropriate level of care. As others mentioned, another benefit is lovely visits where you can enjoy each other's company, have relaxed meals together, etc. instead of dealing with just care.
[/QUOTE]


THIS for sure...

My parents were eating alot of junk, just because it was easy... I had to put my foot down... While they still are not 100% eating what I consider really good, at least they are not just eating junk constantly... I took some steps to promote better eating habits, and get at least some healthy options into their diet everyday...

I bought then a large toaster, oven that does all kinda of things... They will not use their oven and the bending over and taking in and out is something that they can really do safely. So now its the stove top, and toaster oven, and microwave that they use daily.

A omelet maker dish for the microwave. Which they are using all most daily. I precooked some sausage, and got a bag of frozen onions and peppers...add in some shredded cheese, and some real eggs and showed my Dad how to make the kinda omelet he likes, with it... So now my Dad will cook a box of the Hillshire or whatever brand of frozen sausage links all at once, then they use it during the week.

I spent time in the grocery store looking for items that don't require alot of preparation, or really anything much of anything to do...

I showed them how to do baked potatoes in the microwave, and make stuffed potatoes with the broccoli and cheese frozen little box...

A lot of grocery stores now have heat and eat meals, which Publix offers a good selection of these.

They both go to the same lady to get their hair cut, I told them they should get BBQ at this little mom and pop place... So I put the phone number in their cell phone, so now they call ahead and pick up a family of 4 feast, and they eat on that for a couple of day.

I make alot of soup for them, its what they want, and ask for... I make sure it has a ton of veggies in it... which they were not really getting veggies at all.

I try to go over there every other week, I bring a home cooked full meal - Last time I made - Roasted Chicken breasts with yellow rice with green garden peas, a big bowl of field peas for my Dad they are his favorites, a loaf of Apple Bread, some fresh rolls and bring some type of frozen soup that I made for them. Then I normally make something like egg salad or tuna salad when I get there.. ... I know that it seem like a lot of extra work, I don't mind, and at least I know that they are eating something more than just a bunch of junk.



I have another friend that her parent live 600 miles away... once about every six weeks... She and her SIL, make the drive, and spent 3 or 4 days cooking and freezing meals for her parents to enough for at least six to seven weeks. They do all the shopping for them for household and personal items. Her other brother pays for someone to clean the house once a week, change the bedding, and wash and dry everything. She set up for her parent med's to be delivered, and she has a grocery delivery service that she order for them weekly... The live way out in the country and neither of them is able to drive any more, except the golf cart around the property, its really a farm, they have a foreman who has worked there forever, and couple of hands to get the work done... He checks on them every morning and when he heads home at night... and lets my friend know if he thinks somethings not right.
The Church comes every Sunday to pick them up for Sunday Service and lunch out. The church also provides rides to the doctors office and back... When her youngest brother retires from the military at the end of this year, he and his family will move there, and take over the farm...



I think its all about whats easiest for them to do... So you have to look outside of the box, and get creative... Every situation is so different and you have to really look at the whole picture and then some...I will say alot of trial and error before you find something that works, still things will and are going to change. I know with my parent things can go sideways very quickly...

I think educating yourself with how things work like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Long Term Care ( Nursing Home) Cost of at home care, Every State is different so knowing how things work in the state where your parents live is very important. If you can see an attorney to find out, please don't rely on whats on line as the gospel...

As well while no-one wants to have the hard talk, you need to find out about things like Health insurance, and supplemental insurance, life insurance, last wishes, burial information or plan, Last will and testament, who has it and where is it at... all the kids should know where to find it at... Knowledge is key here... this way everyone is on the same page...
My DH found out that his brother ( who was her care giver, she was living with him) let my MIL life insurance lapse, along with alot of other stuff... and so we end up paying for the funeral. I am not complaining, and I am happy that we could do it, for my DH sake. If he would have told us we would have paid the life insurance premium, which my DH asked him point blank when she first got sick and ask about her finances, and he lied to my DH), The last thing my DH needed was to find out that his brother had not been doing what he said he was doing in taking care of their mom, then here he is having to secure the funds for the funeral, and worst of all he blindsided my DH while they were sitting in front of the funeral director... with a oops we stopped paying it... All of this while my DH was heartbroken and grieving over his moms passing... Which cause a huge rift between the them after the funeral.

 

[White Cat]

What comes around goes around. It’s our duty to take care of elderly parents.

 

[tzolkin]

My grandparents have lived with my parents pretty much my entire adult life. And they were at least partially dependent on them ever since I was a young child (doctor's appointments, financial assistance, etc.) My MIL has never been married and her entire life has revolved around her parents as well. Based on our experiences and observations, there is no way that my husband and I will agree to care for parents in our home. (We have cared for both parents and grandparents on a short term basis, like having them stay with us after a surgery and helping with their recovery and physical therapy but to me that's different than moving in on a permanent basis.)

We have put a huge priority on saving for retirement so that our children never have to care for us. We have discussed this with our kids when sharing financial information, making plans, and prioritizing. They have seen the strain it has put on my parents and they are grateful that we are actively working to ensure that we do not put them in that position.

The fact that you both work FULL TIME is the deciding factor IMO period. To change that dynamic, to take care of them. could drastically affect your financial future.

This is very true. I think of it from my children's perspective. If giving up working to take care of elderly parents would result in me not having enough saved so my children would wind up in the same position of having to care for me, there is no way I would want to put that obligation on them.

Could we? Yes
Would we? No. Seen the heavy emotional toll it takes on 24/7 caregivers. 24/7 caregivers almost look worse off then the ill themselves.

This is my parent's situation. My grandparents cannot take care of themselves due to mental issues, but they are actually in WAY better shape physically than my mom is. I had to have a very direct conversation with my parents and state that based on their physical health it's entirely possible that my grandparents could live well past 100. Do you really want to commit to caring for them for another decade or two?

Not only that, but they are basing their ability to care for them on the grandparents current health. If they actually needed more physical assistance, there is no way my parents could do things like lift or help them with waste clean up. My mom has not been able to walk unassisted for at least three years and just had another surgery. Obviously she would likely have health problems regardless, but I honestly think that much of it comes from the toll it has been to deal with the full time care of my grandparents for well over 20 years.

 

[Keli]

No, there's just no way. I would be miserable every day. And I think my husband would feel the same about living with my parents.

 

[Cogswel_Cogs]

To sound like Dr Seuss

I would not
Could Not

 

[Pink Partridge]

What comes around goes around. It’s our duty to take care of elderly parents.

But how does someone do that when they work full time? When they can't lift another adult?

And I 100% believe admitting a parent to a safe, skilled care environment IS taking care of them.