Would you...could you live with in-laws?

[StitchesGr8Fan]

NO. She is a passive aggressive narcissistic human and I will not subject my kids to her 24/7.

 

[Colleen27]

What comes around goes around. It’s our duty to take care of elderly parents.

I agree, but I don't think that means we have to be the ones physically providing that care, particularly if doing it all yourself means they get substandard quality compared to what they could afford elsewhere. It is different if the aging parents cannot afford assisted living or professional in-home care, but when they can, it often does no one any favors for the middle aged children to attempt to do it all themselves.

 

[tzolkin]

But how does someone do that when they work full time? When they can't lift another adult?
And I 100% believe admitting a parent to a safe, skilled care environment IS taking care of them.

I agree, but I don't think that means we have to be the ones physically providing that care, particularly if doing it all yourself means they get substandard quality compared to what they could afford elsewhere. It is different if the aging parents cannot afford assisted living or professional in-home care, but when they can, it often does no one any favors for the middle aged children to attempt to do it all themselves.

I agree with both of these responses. Taking a relative into your home may seem like the most noble thing to do, but I think they often would receive better care and more socialization if they were in a facility.

 

[VandVsmama]

This is something that is a very individual choice and it is not something where one size fits all. It sounds like the OP knows what they can and cannot handle in their household, and taking care of infirmed & elderly parents is not one of the things they can handle.

I would caution anyone who lectures you about "it's your duty to have them live with you" or "what goes around, comes around" and other such stuff. When others are sharing that point of view and pressuring you to take the elderly relatives into your home and care for them 24x7 while you are inclined NOT to do that, the other person can often come across as pushy, preachy, etc. Sometimes, the person might even come across with a bit of a "I'm holier than thou" sort of attitude.

NONE of that has anything to do with you. That's their own personal issues and their own personal experience coming out. They probably don't even realize that people might have very legitimate reasons for NOT taking in a sick elderly parent who needs 24x7 nursing care. They might even tell you that you're being selfish.

Listen to what they have to say, but then YOU evaluate yourself and what YOU can handle. Don't agree to it just because people here or people you know might be pressuring you. Be honest with yourself.

DH & I have had this very conversation re: my MIL. She lives on her own now, but hasn't been able to drive for going on 3 years now. She's a walking health nightmare and pretty much any day, we expect that there will be a phone call of some sort of major health event whereby she will NOT be able to return home to live on her own.

I also know from watching what my mother and aunt went through w/my grandmother that some hospitals, rehab facilities, etc., will pressure the heck out of you to get Grandma/Grandpa to go live with the adult child.

No way in heck is that happening in our household. For multiple reasons:

• neither DH or I are physically strong enough to be able to carry 200+ lb of dead weight
• we will not be altering bathrooms, doorways, or other areas of our home to make it ADA accessible
• we both have demanding jobs that require our full attention and cannot take lots of time off of work every day to take her to a million doctor appointments, to physical therapy sessions, to make her meals, to make sure she eats her meals, to make sure she takes her meds at the right time, to coordinate things with doctors and other providers, etc., etc.
• we've already spent an arm and a leg for 14 years putting a roof over her head out of our own pockets and she's been impossible and demanding the entire time.
• we'd never have any privacy
• our first priority needs to be to our children, both of whom still live at home.
• she refuses to get hearing aids and I don't want to listen to Dr Phil every day at 100% volume on the television in my own home
• she'd demand that we eat exactly how she does and at exactly the same times of day that she does (breakfast at 7, lunch at 11, dinner at 5).
• she already demands that we not ever take a family vacation anywhere that doesn't include her. It would be even worse with her living with us.

If my MIL moved in with us, it would be the end of our marriage. Heck, my own DH even doesn't want to live with her. We get along a lot better when she is in a separate domicile. When the time comes, we will make sure that she's placed in a good facility. And she will pay for it herself. And then when she's exhausted her savings paying for that, she'll go on Medicaid and the state will pay for it. And I will not feel guilty one bit about it.

Anyone who disagrees with me is welcome to come walk a mile in my shoes on this for awhile and you, too, would be making the same decision.

 

[QueenIsabella]

This is something that is a very individual choice and it is not something where one size fits all. It sounds like the OP knows what they can and cannot handle in their household, and taking care of infirmed & elderly parents is not one of the things they can handle.

I would caution anyone who lectures you about "it's your duty to have them live with you" or "what goes around, comes around" and other such stuff. When others are sharing that point of view and pressuring you to take the elderly relatives into your home and care for them 24x7 while you are inclined NOT to do that, the other person can often come across as pushy, preachy, etc. Sometimes, the person might even come across with a bit of a "I'm holier than thou" sort of attitude.

NONE of that has anything to do with you. That's their own personal issues and their own personal experience coming out. They probably don't even realize that people might have very legitimate reasons for NOT taking in a sick elderly parent who needs 24x7 nursing care. They might even tell you that you're being selfish.

Listen to what they have to say, but then YOU evaluate yourself and what YOU can handle. Don't agree to it just because people here or people you know might be pressuring you. Be honest with yourself.

DH & I have had this very conversation re: my MIL. She lives on her own now, but hasn't been able to drive for going on 3 years now. She's a walking health nightmare and pretty much any day, we expect that there will be a phone call of some sort of major health event whereby she will NOT be able to return home to live on her own.

I also know from watching what my mother and aunt went through w/my grandmother that some hospitals, rehab facilities, etc., will pressure the heck out of you to get Grandma/Grandpa to go live with the adult child.

No way in heck is that happening in our household. For multiple reasons:

• neither DH or I are physically strong enough to be able to carry 200+ lb of dead weight
• we will not be altering bathrooms, doorways, or other areas of our home to make it ADA accessible
• we both have demanding jobs that require our full attention and cannot take lots of time off of work every day to take her to a million doctor appointments, to physical therapy sessions, to make her meals, to make sure she eats her meals, to make sure she takes her meds at the right time, to coordinate things with doctors and other providers, etc., etc.
• we've already spent an arm and a leg for 14 years putting a roof over her head out of our own pockets and she's been impossible and demanding the entire time.
• we'd never have any privacy
• our first priority needs to be to our children, both of whom still live at home.
• she refuses to get hearing aids and I don't want to listen to Dr Phil every day at 100% volume on the television in my own home
• she'd demand that we eat exactly how she does and at exactly the same times of day that she does (breakfast at 7, lunch at 11, dinner at 5).
• she already demands that we not ever take a family vacation anywhere that doesn't include her. It would be even worse with her living with us.

If my MIL moved in with us, it would be the end of our marriage. Heck, my own DH even doesn't want to live with her. We get along a lot better when she is in a separate domicile. When the time comes, we will make sure that she's placed in a good facility. And she will pay for it herself. And then when she's exhausted her savings paying for that, she'll go on Medicaid and the state will pay for it. And I will not feel guilty one bit about it.

Anyone who disagrees with me is welcome to come walk a mile in my shoes on this for awhile and you, too, would be making the same decision.

It's always easy from the outside, isn't it? When my mother was diagnosed with dementia, they wouldn't release her from the psych ward to live independently. She was bi-polar and had had a psychotic break (her fifth). My brothers were confident that she could go live with my sister--why pay for assisted living? But, my sister and her husband worked full-time. They lived in a house with no downstairs bathroom. They literally lived, 100 yards from a very busy street (2 lanes each direction). Not to mention that, on a good day, our mom was known to leave food out for days, turn on the stove and forget, etc.--that, BEFORE the dementia set in. I told Sis--it would almost be comical, if it didn't have such potential to be tragic, if our mom went to live with her. Naturally, neither brother was willing to lift a finger themselves to provide for our mother's care.

Luckily, Mom had the funds for assisted living. Not only did Sis take in her dog and cat, but she visited Mom daily, bringing her dog to visit a couple times a week. Sis was more devoted than I could have imagined was possible. Of course, she was also more concerned with our mom's care, rather than an inheritance. One of our brothers actually asked about his inheritance, 47 minutes after our mom's funeral ended (we timed it--we knew it was coming. My bet was under 30 minutes.)

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

This is something that is a very individual choice and it is not something where one size fits all. It sounds like the OP knows what they can and cannot handle in their household, and taking care of infirmed & elderly parents is not one of the things they can handle.

I would caution anyone who lectures you about "it's your duty to have them live with you" or "what goes around, comes around" and other such stuff. When others are sharing that point of view and pressuring you to take the elderly relatives into your home and care for them 24x7 while you are inclined NOT to do that, the other person can often come across as pushy, preachy, etc. Sometimes, the person might even come across with a bit of a "I'm holier than thou" sort of attitude.

NONE of that has anything to do with you. That's their own personal issues and their own personal experience coming out. They probably don't even realize that people might have very legitimate reasons for NOT taking in a sick elderly parent who needs 24x7 nursing care. They might even tell you that you're being selfish.

Listen to what they have to say, but then YOU evaluate yourself and what YOU can handle. Don't agree to it just because people here or people you know might be pressuring you. Be honest with yourself.

DH & I have had this very conversation re: my MIL. She lives on her own now, but hasn't been able to drive for going on 3 years now. She's a walking health nightmare and pretty much any day, we expect that there will be a phone call of some sort of major health event whereby she will NOT be able to return home to live on her own.

I also know from watching what my mother and aunt went through w/my grandmother that some hospitals, rehab facilities, etc., will pressure the heck out of you to get Grandma/Grandpa to go live with the adult child.

No way in heck is that happening in our household. For multiple reasons:

• neither DH or I are physically strong enough to be able to carry 200+ lb of dead weight
• we will not be altering bathrooms, doorways, or other areas of our home to make it ADA accessible
• we both have demanding jobs that require our full attention and cannot take lots of time off of work every day to take her to a million doctor appointments, to physical therapy sessions, to make her meals, to make sure she eats her meals, to make sure she takes her meds at the right time, to coordinate things with doctors and other providers, etc., etc.
• we've already spent an arm and a leg for 14 years putting a roof over her head out of our own pockets and she's been impossible and demanding the entire time.
• we'd never have any privacy
• our first priority needs to be to our children, both of whom still live at home.
• she refuses to get hearing aids and I don't want to listen to Dr Phil every day at 100% volume on the television in my own home
• she'd demand that we eat exactly how she does and at exactly the same times of day that she does (breakfast at 7, lunch at 11, dinner at 5).
• she already demands that we not ever take a family vacation anywhere that doesn't include her. It would be even worse with her living with us.

If my MIL moved in with us, it would be the end of our marriage. Heck, my own DH even doesn't want to live with her. We get along a lot better when she is in a separate domicile. When the time comes, we will make sure that she's placed in a good facility. And she will pay for it herself. And then when she's exhausted her savings paying for that, she'll go on Medicaid and the state will pay for it. And I will not feel guilty one bit about it.

Anyone who disagrees with me is welcome to come walk a mile in my shoes on this for awhile and you, too, would be making the same decision.

You are spot on!!

 

[White Cat]

I agree, but I don't think that means we have to be the ones physically providing that care, particularly if doing it all yourself means they get substandard quality compared to what they could afford elsewhere. It is different if the aging parents cannot afford assisted living or professional in-home care, but when they can, it often does no one any favors for the middle aged children to attempt to do it all themselves.

Exactly.