WWYD - Boyfriend's separated wife is being creepy

[PollyannaMom]

You should keep some pepper spray by the door and as soon as you open the door start spraying every delivery man or anybody else who knocks on your door just in case.

Obviously, that's a joke, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to put a notice on your door stating "no photography or videotaping allowed on premises."

 

[sam_gordon]

You should keep some pepper spray by the door and as soon as you open the door start spraying every delivery man or anybody else who knocks on your door just in case.

I hope that's a joke. Otherwise I could see OP charged w/assault if she did that.

Obviously, that's a joke, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to put a notice on your door stating "no photography or videotaping allowed on premises."

Presumably the public is allowed in the common areas. OP doesn't "own" the common areas, so her putting up a sign wouldn't carry any weight.

 

[disykat]

The idea that the wife in this scenario is being played by someone is really out of left field. Nothing in OP's story indicates that. He left two years ago after many years of trying to hold a marriage together for the kids. She doesn't want the divorce and is dragging her heels. That doesn't mean he is somehow out there charming her and playing her. There's some sort of issue with the soon to be ex and I agree it is creepy. She can't let go.

I don't think the wife really has any legal rights to not have her soon to be ex dating after a separation if it's a legal separation. Regardless of how any of us feel about it (soon to be ex or myself included) it is legal to date while legally separated. Getting "proof" shouldn't do anything for her except justify moral outrage. I see why she might want the proof and I get her moral outrage, but can't see how it would help her legally. If OP can gather proof that their relationship started after the separation, then the video should have no bearing other than the creepy factor.

I'm fully supportive of the soon to be ex getting any assets that are coming to her, but trying to hold a spouse in a relationship after they have left is really futile and I hope she gets some help to move on.

 

[Searc]

The idea that the wife in this scenario is being played by someone is really out of left field. Nothing in OP's story indicates that. He left two years ago after many years of trying to hold a marriage together for the kids. She doesn't want the divorce and is dragging her heels. That doesn't mean he is somehow out there charming her and playing her. There's some sort of issue with the soon to be ex and I agree it is creepy. She can't let go.

I don't think the wife really has any legal rights to not have her soon to be ex dating after a separation if it's a legal separation. Regardless of how any of us feel about it (soon to be ex or myself included) it is legal to date while legally separated. Getting "proof" shouldn't do anything for her except justify moral outrage. I see why she might want the proof and I get her moral outrage, but can't see how it would help her legally. If OP can gather proof that their relationship started after the separation, then the video should have no bearing other than the creepy factor.

I'm fully supportive of the soon to be ex getting any assets that are coming to her, but trying to hold a spouse in a relationship after they have left is really futile and I hope she gets some help to move on.

Don't perpetuate the myth that divorce is always the ex wife's fault, 'cause we all know that isn't true.

 

[OKW8297]

You’re not going to get sympathy from me. Tell him to hit the bricks until the paperwork is done. You got yourself knee deep in this hoopla.

 

[Praying Colonel]

This. She's either trying to make him "at fault" due to infidelity so she can get a bigger settlement, or she's trying to gather evidence that he doesn't need to pay for his apartment...so she can get a bigger settlement. It's aaaaaall about money.

This is not legal advice:

It's also possible (unlikely, but possible) that the spouse's attorney is gathering evidence to look at the possibility of an alienation of affection cause of action. Alienation of affection has been invalidated in most states but is still a viable cause of action in other states.

 

[tzolkin]

Don't perpetuate the myth that divorce is always the ex wife's fault, 'cause we all know that isn't true.

I didn’t read anything in disycat’s post that even implied that the divorce was the ex-wife’s fault so I’m not understanding how s/he is perpetuating any myth about the woman always being to blame.

 

[Kitty 34]

I don't usually comment a lot on these types of threads but I am with PollyannaMom on the part that it's pretty darn creepy someone got thru your "security" and took pics with a hidden camera at your door. Thank God it wasn't a gun! Just sayin'..........

 

[luvsJack]

Don't perpetuate the myth that divorce is always the ex wife's fault, 'cause we all know that isn't true.

Where did she say it was the wife’s fault?

The op didn’t say if anyone or who is at fault with separation. She did say it is the wife’s fault the divorce hasn’t gone through.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't have a lot of advice. But I'll just say it stinks to be in this position. If it bothers you to know that, potentially, wherever you go now, someone might be following you or videotaping you then you might want to pull back from the relationship until your boyfriend can get things settled with his wife. Because until then, this will be sort of hanging over your head.

I would want to know what her motivation is. Maybe you should fight fire with fire and hire your own PI to figure that out. Just know that there could be things you're unaware of and might not like.

 

[Heather07438]

@sam_gordon is correct. That is considered a public area so nothing illegal about that, unless he came into your apartment and took the photo.
As for your situation, my best advice, follow your heart.

Technically it sounds like it is a private apartment building, like you need to be invited in to gain access inside. If PI was invited in by charading under false pretense, not really legal but not worth opposing as it's not going to change much with all the other digging going on.

 

[Flowers12]

You’re not going to get sympathy from me. Tell him to hit the bricks until the paperwork is done. You got yourself knee deep in this hoopla.

Wow. She asked for advice not sympathy. Gotta love the dis. Turns nothing into something. As for the op, I say document everything. There is not much else to be done

 

[BalooFan]

I don't get involve with his kids and divorce at all, but the thought of this woman having a video of me totally creeps me out. I'm not worried about what she may find as I have nothing to hide, but the thought of her digging into my privacy is really bothering me. Should I seek legal counsel? go to Police? Do I have any grounds to do anything?

I have worked with PIs and have ordered numerous investigations and surveillances over the years in a professional capacity (unrelated to family/domestic issues or pending divorces).

There is a decent chance that the wife’s attorney hired the PI. I didn’t work with divorce lawyers, but the attorneys I worked with through my career were ethical and would only use or recommend ethical PI firms. Attorneys have a lot at stake if they engage someone who performs an illegal investigation. Of course, the wife could have found a PI from the Yellow Pages or a quick online search and hired someone who isn’t doing a legal, ethical investigation.

What a PI can do and what someone can record varies from state to state. I believe you mentioned that the PI knocked on your door pretending to be a delivery man. This is known as a pretext investigation and, depending on the specifics, may have been completely legal.

Some PIs will check in with the police before initiating a surveillance so the police are aware of their activities in case they receive any calls about suspicious characters hanging out in the neighborhood. If you feel threatened, though, you should contact the police.

If you don’t feel threatened, you might consider a brief consultation with legal counsel to ensure that what is happening is legal in your state, if there is anything you can do to stop it, and to get a professional opinion on specifically why they might have you under surveillance.

 

[OKW8297]

Wow. She asked for advice not sympathy. Gotta love the dis. Turns nothing into something. As for the op, I say document everything. There is not much else to be done

I gave advice....told her to unload him until he’s divorced. I’m allowed to also give my opinion

 

[DisneyOma]

I'm a long time poster but decided to get a new account because my ex knows my identity on here. Although we are on good terms but it's been 4 years since divorce so it's time for me to get a new account.

I have a bit of a dilemma but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it:

I've been dating a separated guy for 1.5 years. We met 6 months after he moved out of the family home so I don't feel like I broke up his marriage. He has moved out once before but went back because of kids and now kids are adults. They are working on divorce and although she agrees to it, she is very slow with her process. I totally stay out of it but I know that it wears on him so I do wish that it is done and over with for his sake.

So boyfriend told me that his kids told him that their mother hired a private detective and has video of my boyfriend and I answering my door at my home. She showed the video to the kids trying to implicate his infidelity. The kids know their dad and how abusive the marriage was so were not buying the story. I don't get involve with his kids and divorce at all, but the thought of this woman having a video of me totally creeps me out. I'm not worried about what she may find as I have nothing to hide, but the thought of her digging into my privacy is really bothering me. Should I seek legal counsel? go to Police? Do I have any grounds to do anything?

Thanks for any advice.

The rule

So I've been doing some googling about divorces in my state and I think a previous poster is on point that she maybe trying to find financial stuff to show that he is spending money on me with living arrangement or lavish gifts. Because along with the video she also showed the kids HIS credit card statement showing various spending, fortunately what she pointed out were items that kids knew about that were related to them and not me. I have a good job, live in my own place and not looking for any financial support or lavish gifts. So she may've struck a dead end there.

Did she tell you this? Where are you getting this info?

also...my view on this relationship with a 'separated' man

to be honest, I would give the same "run away, do not get involve" advice just by reading on an internet board.

I'm 56 with grown kids and I think I can read a person. I've met his parents, friends and colleagues. He is well respected in his profession, I don't think he would parade me around if I was one of many. I took many months of 'dating' to get to know him and many therapist sessions about him before I decided to make him my 'boyfriend'.

Therapist sessions about him? That right there would make me think you should probably hold off on the relationship for now until he gets that divorce.

I wouldn’t think what the op has financially would have any bearing on the divorce settlement because it’s not her boyfriend’s. Some people just seem to thrive on making divorces as messy as possible and that is likely what she is trying to do.

Remember, we don't even know, do we, where the OP is getting this info from? I'm feeling very skeptical...

The idea that the wife in this scenario is being played by someone is really out of left field. Nothing in OP's story indicates that. He left two years ago after many years of trying to hold a marriage together for the kids. She doesn't want the divorce and is dragging her heels. That doesn't mean he is somehow out there charming her and playing her. There's some sort of issue with the soon to be ex and I agree it is creepy. She can't let go.

I don't think the wife really has any legal rights to not have her soon to be ex dating after a separation if it's a legal separation. Regardless of how any of us feel about it (soon to be ex or myself included) it is legal to date while legally separated. Getting "proof" shouldn't do anything for her except justify moral outrage. I see why she might want the proof and I get her moral outrage, but can't see how it would help her legally. If OP can gather proof that their relationship started after the separation, then the video should have no bearing other than the creepy factor.

I'm fully supportive of the soon to be ex getting any assets that are coming to her, but trying to hold a spouse in a relationship after they have left is really futile and I hope she gets some help to move on.

Except we don't know where the intel is coming from that the OP is stating. That would help - is the married boyfriend telling her, the adult kids?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Delivery people and the like may have an (I could be using the wrong term) implicit right to be in the building, whereas private citizens randomly going in probably do not. I agree with talking to the police or an attorney to learn what your rights are.

How did this "delivery person" present himself? What did he deliver?

 

[allison443]

OP what did your boyfriend’s divorce lawyer say when he told them about the video? The video was of both of you right so I assume he told his attorney. Why would you go to the police or get a legal consult when he could just ask his attorney (as a first step anyway)?
It may help you understand whether this is something you should be concerned about.

 

[karen4546]

you are dating a MARRIED MAN. That is wrong on so many levels. Married is married. If he was divorced fine but separated is still married. The only advice I will give is wait until he is divorced.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP what did your boyfriend’s divorce lawyer say when he told them about the video? The video was of both of you right so I assume he told his attorney. Why would you go to the police or get a legal consult when he could just ask his attorney (as a first step anyway)?
It may help you understand whether this is something you should be concerned about.

I get what you are saying, but I would want my own objective advice apart from what is going on between this husband and wife and their lawyers. I don't thnk she can really rely on advice from her boyfriend's attorney, as he works for him and his interests. What if there are things the OP is unaware of? She needs to loook out for her own interests with her own people.

 

[sam_gordon]

Technically it sounds like it is a private apartment building, like you need to be invited in to gain access inside.

The question is whether the public is allowed in that space. If so, and he wasn't told by the building's owner to leave, then it's allowed.