WWYD - Boyfriend's separated wife is being creepy

[Searc]

clarifying some points:
I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

He moved out once 15 years ago but moved back because of the kids. 2 years ago, after the youngest turned 19 he moved out for good. He's been very transparent with me from the beginning so I totally trust him.

Please don't turn this into "dating a married man" debate.

Thanks

Uh, you are dating a married man. You denying it doesn't make it any less true. You choose to do that, don't ***** about the baggage that comes with it.

 

[Hikergirl]

Nope. No "biases". If all goes well, great for the couple. If it doesn't go so well, then everyone knew the risks going in. No real basis to complain.

You claimed she's just being used until he's divorced. That sure sounds like you have sort of bias.

 

[C&Jx2]

I think maybe the soon-to-be ex is dragging her feet on the divorce and hired the investigator to get some leverage for her side of the case.

 

[gwynne]

You claimed she's just being used until he's divorced. That sure sounds like you have sort of bias.

Well, because from the posts, things don't seem to be so great. Once again, opting to date married men is a risk.
I just think folks involved have to be realistic.

 

[tvguy]

clarifying some points:
I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

He moved out once 15 years ago but moved back because of the kids. 2 years ago, after the youngest turned 19 he moved out for good. He's been very transparent with me from the beginning so I totally trust him.

Please don't turn this into "dating a married man" debate.

Thanks

@sam_gordon is correct. That is considered a public area so nothing illegal about that, unless he came into your apartment and took the photo.
As for your situation, my best advice, follow your heart.

 

[NewGoal]

also...my view on this relationship with a 'separated' man

to be honest, I would give the same "run away, do not get involve" advice just by reading on an internet board.

I'm 56 with grown kids and I think I can read a person. I've met his parents, friends and colleagues. He is well respected in his profession, I don't think he would parade me around if I was one of many. I took many months of 'dating' to get to know him and many therapist sessions about him before I decided to make him my 'boyfriend'.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

‘So she may've struck a dead end there.’
Not so fast. If he cohabits with you and you are financially secure, then arguably he needs less money from any divorce settlement. You have a home, so no risk of him being homeless or needing funds to buy a house or pay rent etc etc. Maybe your partner is not being completely honest with the Court or his wife about his financial situation, cohabitating status.

 

[gwynne]

So I've been doing some googling about divorces in my state and I think a previous poster is on point that she maybe trying to find financial stuff to show that he is spending money on me with living arrangement or lavish gifts. Because along with the video she also showed the kids HIS credit card statement showing various spending, fortunately what she pointed out were items that kids knew about that were related to them and not me. I have a good job, live in my own place and not looking for any financial support or lavish gifts. So she may've struck a dead end there.

Honestly, if you both want to move on and enjoy life, he needs to get the divorce. Most of us know folks who have gone through ugly divorces. Both folks don't always walk away with 50%. It sounds like the two of you are committed to each other, and the only thing holding you back is his (legal) wife.
Will his living arrangement affect the settlement? Don't know. But, that's a pretty basic thing that he probably should have discussed with his attorney early on.

And for the record, I think the PI thing is creepy. Another reason for him to get busy and get that divorce paperwork. Due to his current situation, he may need to compromise more. Fair? Nope. But that's kind of how it all works.

 

[LSUmiss]

It's clear some of you have your own biases towards "married" men, but not every single person going through a divorce or separation is "using" the person they are in a current relationship.
I can think of a few I personally know that met their current wives during their separation, or before their divorces were finalized. I guess their plan was to use the girlfriends in order to marry them and live happily ever after.
We don't know anything about the OP and her relationship, you can assume things all you want though.

But when you’re going back & forth & it takes you over 15 years to actually get divorced that seems suspicious imo.

 

[NewGoal]

We do not live together. He has an apt with a lease. Our finances are completely separate. He has been pushing the divorce, court date was in fall, but she was not ready with her discovery process so it got rescheduled to next month. Although I have not made any ultimatum, he knows that if he wants a future with me he has to finalized the divorce.

 

[RamblingMad]

This thread reads like a bad Lifetime movie. Good luck with your married man.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think maybe the soon-to-be ex is dragging her feet on the divorce and hired the investigator to get some leverage for her side of the case.

This. She's either trying to make him "at fault" due to infidelity so she can get a bigger settlement, or she's trying to gather evidence that he doesn't need to pay for his apartment...so she can get a bigger settlement. It's aaaaaall about money.

I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

That said, I'd still be creeped out by this!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, dating a still-married man for a year and a half.
And, this kind of creepy drama.
I just can't even touch this one with a ten foot pole.
We need Jerry Springer!

 

[NewGoal]

But when you’re going back & forth & it takes you over 15 years to actually get divorced that seems suspicious imo.

From my own personal experience, I don't find it suspicious. I waited over 10 years for my divorce as well. There was no 3rd party so there was no rush to be single. We lived like roommates in separate bedrooms, I didn't want to deal with custody or moving so I waited till my youngest graduated from high school to start the process. Also by that point the kids knew it was coming and adjusted. (not to say that it didn't affect them, but the divorce was not a surprise)

 

[Summer2018]

You’re dating a married man. “Separated” is still married. Usually wives aren’t happy about that, so her hiring a PI shouldn’t come as a shock. In your shoes, I’d tell him to come see me after the ink was dry on his divorce papers.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[ZZBane]

I just wanna say that I’m sorry you are going through this. Women can be absolutely crazy. Men can suck tremendously.
I’ve dated all kinds of men. The married ones were typically the most difficult...or the separated I should say. If they didn’t suck, the exes made it especially hard. I never liked any of them enough to think they were worth the hassle. Don’t get me started on the men that never told me they were married to begin with
However, no one here knows what was going on in your boyfriends marriage to cause the divorce. Just because he’s still ‘married’ doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to be happy. You need to decide if it’s worth sticking it out with him.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I'm a long time poster but decided to get a new account because my ex knows my identity on here. Although we are on good terms but it's been 4 years since divorce so it's time for me to get a new account.

A bit off topic, but I'd make a guess if your ex knows you're on the DISboards, and you've mentioned you've been divorced 4 years now, he'll probably be able to figure out this is you.

 

[Christine]

OP, what are the divorce laws in your state. I ask because my father used to be a PI, solely for divorce settlements back in the day when "infidelity" would you get you more winnings in a settlement. State laws changed and "infidelity" didn't matter anymore and everything was split 50/50. The only things to make a difference were if one spouse never worked or there were children involved.

In your case, there are no children involved. What's the deal with the ex? Is she financially dependent on him. Is she seeking alimony for any reason?

I really can't think of any reason, during a separation, that the status of your boyfriend's relationship would matter. I agree with others in that it could be a financial play.

 

[luvsJack]

Not going to judge on the “married man” part because my divorce wasn’t final when I met my now dh. We have been married for 32 years. So no one was “using” anyone.

I wouldn’t think what the op has financially would have any bearing on the divorce settlement because it’s not her boyfriend’s. Some people just seem to thrive on making divorces as messy as possible and that is likely what she is trying to do.

OP, you either are going to have to put up with it until they are divorced or decide you can’t and make a change. Sorry. Perhaps he can go to his lawyer and try to get the divorced pushed forward.

 

[ponyboy]

clarifying some points:
I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

You should keep some pepper spray by the door and as soon as you open the door start spraying every delivery man or anybody else who knocks on your door just in case.