I would not treat a dog better than him, if that was the impression that post gave you then I did not word it well.
What I was trying to say was that I was wrong and he will be welcomed with open arms. ❤
Wasn't he part of the core family before in moved in? He's the OP's husband's father.
I think now that he lives with your brother and SIL he is part of their “core family”. Any holiday event you’d invite your brother+SIL too, he should be invited to as well unless they come up with their own arrangement about what he/they want to bow out of.
I get all that. IMO, when you marry someone, any of their "core family" becomes your "core family". Just because they're a member of your core family doesn't mean they have to be invited to any event. But that doesn't mean they're not "core family".Yes, I know he is OP's husbands father. But, there are two separate sides. Dh's side and OP's side of the family. They have two separate celebrations. One with his side, one with her side. Certain people are automatically included in both celebrations. When her MIL was alive, FIL was only included in the celebrations with his side of the family. Meaning he was not included in the maiden side celebrations. Now that he is living with op's brother and wife, I think he now needs to be included since otherwise he would be alone. That was the whole point of OP's dilemma. She did not want to include him in the maiden side celebration. The core meaning going to both.
I would prefer to have time with just my family. I did not have a great relationship with my MIL, she was an unhappy and judgmental person that loved to be the center of attention. I do not enjoy my FIL's company. He takes 20 minutes to answer a yes or no question.
My SIL and her family may or may not be in town. They will stay with my brother and SIL. Aside from that, there is no one else he would spend time with.
If it was just my parents, him, my family and my brother's family, there would not be an issue. But there are 4 other families involved that are not related to each other in any way. They have met, they are friendly but not related and have nothing in common other than my family of 4 and my bother's family of 4.
A bit of a side step, but why do you (and your husband) allow someone in your home that treats you and your son horribly? I'm over the "family is always welcome here" school of thought. If you're a horrible human being, I don't care if you're family, you are not welcome in my home. If you treat my spouse or children horribly, then hell no, you are not welcome in my home. I can overlook (barely) someone treating me badly, but not my spouse or child.How much more could one person add to the group? I'm not crazy about my MIL either. She treats me horribly & isn't much nicer to DS. If she was anyone but my DH's mother, I'd never speak to her again. Alas, she is his mother, so she's part of my family. She's always welcome here.
I pray that I don't have a DIL that is not an extended family oriented person. No one will ever convince me that it's okay to put my feelings before the feelings of my family. If that is their hope , they're wasting their time. It's not all about me. Unfortunately, there are too many people who think it's all about them. (FTR, I'm not saying the OP is one of those people, because I don't know her.)
I did ask for opinions and I appreciate the comments. I just needed to get out of my own head.
I do not have a bad relationship with my father in law. He is a nice person and very kind. It just rambles on and tries my patience.
(My MIL was not, she quite horrible. I called her out on not being an authentic person once and she readily admitted to behaving differently with different people b/c she becomes what each person needed. Umm, what???)
What it boils down to is that I would never even consider excluding someone else. Even family dogs are welcome at our house.
FIL is not "not pleasant". OP says he is pleasant, just a bit chatty.People change - maybe FIL was not a pleasant person because of the circumstances he was facing on a daily basis. I think he needs/should be invited and offered a huge welcome to the dinner.
I think people are being a little unnecessarily harsh on OP here.
Her family is already more intertwined than is typical, since her sibling has the same FIL. For example, if you have two siblings and all three of you are married, you have your own in-laws, and when you go to your sister's house for your nephew's birthday, her in-laws are there and when you go to your brother's house for your niece's birthday, his in-laws are there. There's no such separation here, which I think can be a little challenging if personalities don't always jive or have a tendency to cause tension even at fun events like parties and gatherings.
It certainly isn't unreasonable to want to spend time with your own close family and prioritize holiday social time with those relatives, especially if you don't see them often. This is OP's parents, aunts/uncles, nieces/nephews, etc. that aren't related to her father-in-law at all. If there's been a history of causing tension or pulling focus or simply making OP feel stressed because she's in the middle and feels like she needs to navigate or balance out the situation, it's okay to honestly wish that now and then, she didn't have to handle that situation. It's okay to want to create a relaxing and enjoyable experience for yourself, and it's not like she's suggesting never including FIL in anything. It's just saying "hey, I wanna be able to talk to my mom about this or that without FIL overhearing and sharing his take at his 4th holiday event in a 30 days."
She's being honest, and she's realized what's best to do, but come on now.
A bit of a side step, but why do you (and your husband) allow someone in your home that treats you and your son horribly? I'm over the "family is always welcome here" school of thought. If you're a horrible human being, I don't care if you're family, you are not welcome in my home. If you treat my spouse or children horribly, then hell no, you are not welcome in my home. I can overlook (barely) someone treating me badly, but not my spouse or child.
As I said earlier, it's not all about me. I wouldn't have allowed my DH to ban my parents from our home, if they didn't get along. I'm not going to ban his. Our feelings on things like this may come down to the way we were raised. I was raised by parents who believed in family first. That will never change for me. I can't imagine anything that would make me give up on my family.A bit of a side step, but why do you (and your husband) allow someone in your home that treats you and your son horribly? I'm over the "family is always welcome here" school of thought. If you're a horrible human being, I don't care if you're family, you are not welcome in my home. If you treat my spouse or children horribly, then hell no, you are not welcome in my home. I can overlook (barely) someone treating me badly, but not my spouse or child.