WWYD - Boyfriend's separated wife is being creepy

[gwynne]

Delivery people and the like may have an (I could be using the wrong term) implicit right to be in the building, whereas private citizens randomly going in probably do not. I agree with talking to the police or an attorney to learn what your rights are.

How did this "delivery person" present himself? What did he deliver?

I agree with talking to her own attorney. I don't agree with talking to the police. She lives in an apartment. Maybe the rules are really loose in her complex, I can't possibly know.
Many apartments (including mine) have restrictions on how many days/weeks out of the year you can have overnight visitors. If boyfriend is basically living in, that could be a potential problem. Highlighting her situation with the police and (in turn) the management folks might not be in her best interest.

 

[allison443]

I get what you are saying, but I would want my own objective advice apart from what is going on between this husband and wife and their lawyers. I don't thnk she can really rely on advice from her boyfriend's attorney, as he works for him and his interests. What if there are things the OP is unaware of? She needs to loook out for her own interests with her own people.

People here are suggesting things like it relates to infidelity claims, an alienation of affection claim against the OP ( which isn’t even a thing in many states), or strictly a financial issue. If the OP is in a no fault divorce state, the divorce issues would essentially be financial. Also the video was of the boyfriend as well. So he could find out from his attorney what it’s about. To me that’s the easiest first step and might give her some peace of mind before getting her own people involved.

 

[okeydokey]

Getting back to the actual question, yes it is creepy that the wife hired a PI to get into the apartment under false pretenses to take pictures into your home, Super creepy. The only way to know if it is legal is to consult the local authorities or a lawyer, I think you should.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

People here are suggesting things like it relates to infidelity claims, an alienation of affection claim against the OP ( which isn’t even a thing in many states), or strictly a financial issue. If the OP is in a no fault divorce state, the divorce issues would essentially be financial. Also the video was of the boyfriend as well. So he could find out from his attorney what it’s about. To me that’s the easiest first step and might give her some peace of mind before getting her own people involved.

I am just thinking she should protect herself.

 

[tvguy]

Getting back to the actual question, yes it is creepy that the wife hired a PI to get into the apartment under false pretenses to take pictures into your home, Super creepy. The only way to know if it is legal is to consult the local authorities or a lawyer, I think you should.

I don't think he got into the apartment, He just knocked on the door and she opened it and he took a picture. Perfectly legal.

 

[Dead2009]

I'm a long time poster but decided to get a new account because my ex knows my identity on here. Although we are on good terms but it's been 4 years since divorce so it's time for me to get a new account.

And now you'll probably have to make another account because you made it known someone you were in a relationship with knows who you are on here.

 

[tvguy]

Technically it sounds like it is a private apartment building, like you need to be invited in to gain access inside. If PI was invited in by charading under false pretense, not really legal but not worth opposing as it's not going to change much with all the other digging going on.

I think you are reading a whole lot more deviousness into this than actually happened, but I could be wrong. Maybe OP can clarify. Sounds like he just knocked on the door with a camera rolling and OP answered. Nothing illegal there. Video shot from a location anyone walking by could have seen. If you want privacy, you don't open your door. No mention from OP that he ever went INTO the apartment.
And I suspect one could argue that the PI was acting as an "Officer of the Courts" since he is gathering evidence for a Court case.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

No advice that the OP, but I have a question about divorces that drag out. Let’s say that one spouse absolutely refuses to sign the divorce papers. The other spouse has given them all they are entitled to or asked for, but the spouse refuses to go through the final steps to complete the divorce. Is there a timeframe when the divorce just happens? Or can a judge declare them divorced?

I’ve always wondered this when I hear about long, drawn-out divorces.

 

[starry_solo]

No advice that the OP, but I have a question about divorces that drag out. Let’s say that one spouse absolutely refuses to sign the divorce papers. The other spouse has given them all they are entitled to or asked for, but the spouse refuses to go through the final steps to complete the divorce. Is there a timeframe when the divorce just happens? Or can a judge declare them divorced?

I’ve always wondered this when I hear about long, drawn-out divorces.

In CA, you can get divorced in 6 months and save the other issues (financial, property, etc.) for later. Doesn't require a signature of other party. I think most no-fault divorce states are like that.

 

[focusondisney]

No advice that the OP, but I have a question about divorces that drag out. Let’s say that one spouse absolutely refuses to sign the divorce papers. The other spouse has given them all they are entitled to or asked for, but the spouse refuses to go through the final steps to complete the divorce. Is there a timeframe when the divorce just happens? Or can a judge declare them divorced?

I’ve always wondered this when I hear about long, drawn-out divorces.

In CA, you can get divorced in 6 months and save the other issues (financial, property, etc.) for later. Doesn't require a signature of other party. I think most no-fault divorce states are like that.

I have a family member who was married for only 2 years. No kids & the only shared asset was a house they only owned for 1 year. Family member made less money that the ex & was only looking for the amount they gave to the down payment. Otherwise they would each keep their own money & car. They were young & didn’t have enough other assets to divide. Family member researched & made arrangements to transfer the house with the least amount of cost & hassle.

The ex agreed to the divorce, used the old “I want you to be happy” line. And then proceeded to stall the paperwork, harass family member & otherwise prolong the marriage for another 18 months. There was no option to just quickly be declared divorced without the ex’s signature & paperwork. They did live separately for all the 18 months. They always had separate bank accounts & again, only the house as an asset. I do think at some point the court could declare the divorce, but it would have been a matter of years, not months. Apparently not every state is the same.

Family member was leaving the marriage due to the ex’s substance abuse which had surfaced & escalated during the 2 year marriage. Not every person seeking a divorce is at fault. And how long it takes them to finalize the divorce might be beyond their control. If they want to date during that time, it really isn’t anybody else’s business. They don’t have to put their life on hold because someone else is stalling the process.

 

[Hisgirl]

You’re dating a married man. “Separated” is still married. Usually wives aren’t happy about that, so her hiring a PI shouldn’t come as a shock. In your shoes, I’d tell him to come see me after the ink was dry on his divorce papers.

This.

In case it wasn't seen the first time around. Depending on what state you are in, he is technically committing adultery. I wouldn't be in this relationship until he was a single man. Period.

 

[Skywalker]

So boyfriend told me that his kids told him that their mother hired a private detective and has video of my boyfriend and I answering my door at my home. She showed the video to the kids trying to implicate his infidelity. The kids know their dad and how abusive the marriage was so were not buying the story. I don't get involve with his kids and divorce at all, but the thought of this woman having a video of me totally creeps me out. I'm not worried about what she may find as I have nothing to hide, but the thought of her digging into my privacy is really bothering me. Should I seek legal counsel? go to Police? Do I have any grounds to do anything?

Thanks for any advice.

The bolded part is just so cliche. The crazy abusive ex-wife. She's nuts! Nuts I tell you! I hear that so often, how do so many people pick absolute psychos to marry and have children with lol. You don't know the story OP, you only know his carefully curated and self-serving side of the story.

The idea that the wife in this scenario is being played by someone is really out of left field. Nothing in OP's story indicates that. He left two years ago after many years of trying to hold a marriage together for the kids. She doesn't want the divorce and is dragging her heels. That doesn't mean he is somehow out there charming her and playing her. There's some sort of issue with the soon to be ex and I agree it is creepy. She can't let go.

I don't think the wife really has any legal rights to not have her soon to be ex dating after a separation if it's a legal separation. Regardless of how any of us feel about it (soon to be ex or myself included) it is legal to date while legally separated. Getting "proof" shouldn't do anything for her except justify moral outrage. I see why she might want the proof and I get her moral outrage, but can't see how it would help her legally. If OP can gather proof that their relationship started after the separation, then the video should have no bearing other than the creepy factor.

I'm fully supportive of the soon to be ex getting any assets that are coming to her, but trying to hold a spouse in a relationship after they have left is really futile and I hope she gets some help to move on.

OP is that you?

 

[low-key]

whats your other user name

 

[LSUmiss]

I have a family member who was married for only 2 years. No kids & the only shared asset was a house they only owned for 1 year. Family member made less money that the ex & was only looking for the amount they gave to the down payment. Otherwise they would each keep their own money & car. They were young & didn’t have enough other assets to divide. Family member researched & made arrangements to transfer the house with the least amount of cost & hassle.

The ex agreed to the divorce, used the old “I want you to be happy” line. And then proceeded to stall the paperwork, harass family member & otherwise prolong the marriage for another 18 months. There was no option to just quickly be declared divorced without the ex’s signature & paperwork. They did live separately for all the 18 months. They always had separate bank accounts & again, only the house as an asset. I do think at some point the court could declare the divorce, but it would have been a matter of years, not months. Apparently not every state is the same.

Family member was leaving the marriage due to the ex’s substance abuse which had surfaced & escalated during the 2 year marriage. Not every person seeking a divorce is at fault. And how long it takes them to finalize the divorce might be beyond their control. If they want to date during that time, it really isn’t anybody else’s business. They don’t have to put their life on hold because someone else is stalling the process.

No but all parties should be prepared fo deal with whatever drama comes from beginning a relationship with this level of complication.

 

[low-key]

No but all parties should be prepared fo deal with whatever drama comes from beginning a relationship with this level of complication.

nice game today, Im realy hate that I got to root aganst you since sexy girl in the Navy and the Browns great wide receivers

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

Wow, people are really telling the OP that they should give ultimatums in their relationship after reading a 300 word post.

The rush to judgement around this place is seriously uncomfortable at times.

 

[LSUmiss]

nice game today, Im realy hate that I got to root aganst you since sexy girl in the Navy and the Browns great wide receivers

No hard feelings! I get it! I promise not to rub it in when we beat y’all in the championship...again . One of my best friends is from Ohio St & we agreed we just won’t talk about it to each other lol. She lives here, though, so I can only do so much. But, you have to appreciate that the football story writes itself. Burrow transfers b/c he’s basically runner up & supposedly not as good as the QB that he was behind at OSU & then he wins the Heisman & beats OSU to win the nat’l champ. But, won’t count my chickens yet! Gotta get there. Just glad Bama is out! Oh & A&M deserves every bit of what’s being handed them right now. They paid how much for Jimbo??! Geaux Tigers!
Ok back to the topic lol!

 

[low-key]

No hard feelings! I get it! I promise not to rub it in when we beat y’all in the championship...again . One of my best friends is from Ohio St & we agreed we just won’t talk about it to each other lol. She lives here, though, so I can only do so much. But, you have to appreciate that the football story writes itself. Burrow transfers b/c he’s basically runner up & supposedly not as good as the QB that he was behind at OSU & then he wins the Heisman & beats OSU to win the nat’l champ. But, won’t count my chickens yet! Gotta get there. Just glad Bama is out! Oh & A&M deserves every bit of what’s being handed them right now. They paid how much for Jimbo??! Geaux Tigers!
Ok back to the topic lol!

it will feel so good when your smug butt is feeling down and out

 

[Heather07438]

The question is whether the public is allowed in that space. If so, and he wasn't told by the building's owner to leave, then it's allowed.

Maybe I'm wrong and it may vary by state, but my interpretation of the law is that if the building is locked, the common areas aren't public. They are common areas to the residents and their guests. PI doesn't sound like he was anybody's invited guest, and even if he had a friend living in the building, he couldn't use that as a convenient excuse to snap quite planned and intentional pictures of his friend's neighbor in her own doorway after he knocked on the door.

Privacy laws get much stricter inside someone else's private property uninvited.

ETA- I don't think it matters whether he was asked to leave; not invited in the firstplace. If I trapsed thru a garden in a private yard to take better pictures through the house window, it doesn't matter that I was never asked to leave, right? I was on private property, where I didn't belong uninvited to gain access to better pictures. I could never legally sell or use those pictures in a business application.

 

[disykat]

Don't perpetuate the myth that divorce is always the ex wife's fault, 'cause we all know that isn't true.

What the heck? I never said the divorce was the wife's fault. No one has said anything about the marriage. All we know is what the OP said about the wife delaying the divorce. Thanks to those who defended me.

OP is that you?

What???? Seriously??? Sheesh!