WWYD - Boyfriend's separated wife is being creepy

[Pea-n-Me]

It seems relevent to me that a PI would go to the lengths of trespassing and impersonating someone to get video of the two inside a private place when it would've been so much easier and lawful to just get a picture of the two of them outside somewhere where he wouldn't be breaking any rules and taking pictures on truly public property.

So why was that so important? OP has said he doesn't live there. To me it doesn't pass the smell test - whether it was made up, or whether there's more going on than OP realizes. Caveat emptor.

I was also wondering how he spent his Thanksgiving

 

[Wishing on a star]

Whether the estranged wife is doing this, or the kids are making it up, or the OP's boyfriend himself is making all of this up for some totally unknown and unforeseen reason. The only valid and true and helpful advice here would be to Protect Yourself.
If that means run for the hills, then, well....

 

[Miffy]

OP, I notice you've absented yourself from this thread and I think I would too. There's a lot of judgment gong on here.

But, just in case you're still reading this thread, I have some nonjudgy things to add.

You might want to consult an attorney about the PI business. Just keep in mind that if you do anything about this, things might escalate. Also, a word of advice--in the future, don't answer your door to anyone you don't know. If someone says a package is being delivered, they can leave it at your door. If they say they need a signature, ask where the package is from, whom it's addressed to, and anything else you can think of. If you're not expecting anything, then assume the supposed deliveryperson is lying. If it really is someone delivering a package and needing your signature, they'll come back. And will leave a note on your door or mailbox.

Depending on what state your BF and his not-yet-ex live in, the divorce proceedings could drag on for a long time, especially if one of the parties involved is unwilling to compromise on significant issues. In this case, that would probably involve money and/or property, as I gather the children are no longer minors. That being the case, just consider how much of this you could stand and for how long. A friend of mine had a situation like this many years ago. Her BF was living with her, the divorce was in process, and his not-quite-ex made every single step of the divorce into a tremendous difficulty. My friend ended up breaking up with this guy when it finally got to the point--at least 5 years later--when she just couldn't deal with it anymore.

So you might want to consider putting at least a mental time limit on this. Either that or just realize that it could take forever. If this were me, I'd give the BF a time limit. That's not to say that you should do this--it's just what I would do. "You have to be divorced by Day X or it's over" would be my approach. If Day X arrives and he's just waiting for the final decree, then OK. But if Day X arrives and he and the not-ex are still fighting over whatever, then I'd be gone.

OP, if you can, send me a PM and we can talk if you'd like.

 

[Jenniebee]

I was also wondering how he spent his Thanksgiving

This would be interesting to know. If he was with the Ex wife (current wife?) and the family, that would be a problem. Another wise nugget I once heard is: "If he's married, it's not real". Again, no judgement on you, things happen, people meet and get in relationships. You didn't get into this situation all by yourself. But try to listen to that inner voice telling you if something is off or not. Never ignore the inner voice! It knows and sees all... LOL

It's hard to imagine right now but there are dozens and dozens of men who would want to date you that do not have this baggage. Value yourself.

 

[handinpocket]

clarifying some points:
I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

He moved out once 15 years ago but moved back because of the kids. 2 years ago, after the youngest turned 19 he moved out for good. He's been very transparent with me from the beginning so I totally trust him.

Please don't turn this into "dating a married man" debate.

Thanks

Please don't come on a message board and proudly announce you are dating a married man.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP, I notice you've absented yourself from this thread and I think I would too. There's a lot of judgment gong on here.

But, just in case you're still reading this thread, I have some nonjudgy things to add.

You might want to consult an attorney about the PI business. Just keep in mind that if you do anything about this, things might escalate. Also, a word of advice--in the future, don't answer your door to anyone you don't know. If someone says a package is being delivered, they can leave it at your door. If they say they need a signature, ask where the package is from, whom it's addressed to, and anything else you can think of. If you're not expecting anything, then assume the supposed deliveryperson is lying. If it really is someone delivering a package and needing your signature, they'll come back. And will leave a note on your door or mailbox.

Depending on what state your BF and his not-yet-ex live in, the divorce proceedings could drag on for a long time, especially if one of the parties involved is unwilling to compromise on significant issues. In this case, that would probably involve money and/or property, as I gather the children are no longer minors. That being the case, just consider how much of this you could stand and for how long. A friend of mine had a situation like this many years ago. Her BF was living with her, the divorce was in process, and his not-quite-ex made every single step of the divorce into a tremendous difficulty. My friend ended up breaking up with this guy when it finally got to the point--at least 5 years later--when she just couldn't deal with it anymore.

So you might want to consider putting at least a mental time limit on this. Either that or just realize that it could take forever. If this were me, I'd give the BF a time limit. That's not to say that you should do this--it's just what I would do. "You have to be divorced by Day X or it's over" would be my approach. If Day X arrives and he's just waiting for the final decree, then OK. But if Day X arrives and he and the not-ex are still fighting over whatever, then I'd be gone.

OP, if you can, send me a PM and we can talk if you'd like.

OP asked for advice. She got advice, just like you gave her - in some cases, very similar. Some have said they've been in similar circumstances and some just think it could be a bad idea based on what's been presented - odd and somewhat concerning details. Everyone has different ways of expressing themselves and posting styles. Sometimes questions build on something that's been said already. That's mostly what I see. There could be one thing that jars the OP's thought processes that helps her get out of a bad situation, if that may be the case. If not, then as a long term poster here, she knew what she was getting into when she posted, and she doesn't seem particularly bothered by anything said here.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

Sorry, but I will say, with 110% certainty, that there is absolutely no rush to judgement here on my part.
The OP has posted a lot of information here in that '300 words' and additional comments.
She came here and posted, and will get input.
She is with a married man.
This man. has not yet managed to make any headway towards divorce.
His wife seems to be a psycho 'creepy' who has invaded their privacy at their home, and their financial information, etc.
SORRY IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
But, as the famous line says, some people 'can't handle the truth'.

The truth is not always clear or easy.
Sometimes it is 'uncomfortable'.
But, I am with the other poster who believes that, at this point, this OP needs to take steps to protect herself.
To me the OP's best interestss here outweigh someone's comfort.

It's one thing to point out a red flag (like the joint CC) but numerous posters just made blanket statements regarding "don't date a married man." That's not helpful and comes across as extremely judgemental.

Even worse, what if she acts on some of this advice and screws up the relationship? None of us know all the details in the relationship but some are comfortable telling her to effectively end it. That is bonkers.

 

[mikehn]

Put on a live adult show for the PI

 

[Searc]

It's one thing to point out a red flag (like the joint CC) but numerous posters just made blanket statements regarding "don't date a married man." That's not helpful and comes across as extremely judgemental.

Even worse, what if she acts on some of this advice and screws up the relationship? None of us know all the details in the relationship but some are comfortable telling her to effectively end it. That is bonkers.

People should pass judgement on dating married people (man ir woman).

 

[Imzadi]

Because along with the video she also showed the kids HIS credit card statement showing various spending, fortunately what she pointed out were items that kids knew about that were related to them and not me.

Yep. Not to mention, his wife has access to his credit card/statements, 2 years after he supposedly moved out. Methinks he's not as unmarried as the OP wants to believe.

Access to the credit card statement makes no sense to me.

Yes, WHY does the wife still have access to credit card statements when the husband supposedly lives elsewhere and should be having his mail sent to this new address?

More importantly and disappointingly is why it took 76 more posts before a DISer brought this up?

All [the PI] has is a picture of the two of them, at the door--I assume it was at a reasonable hour and both were dressed, but even if not, it doesn't establish residence.

Also a PI, was dressed as a delivery man, (did he deliver something? Or was it the "Sorry, wrong apartment ruse,") but was so coincidentally LUCKY that the BF/husband just happened to be standing in the background for the paid PI to snap the perfect photo of them together. But, they weren't in some compromising position. And he never took a photo of them when they were outside together? How did he know who the OP is? How did he know what apartment to knock on? Or that there was something romantic is going on in there? The BF/husband could be coming over to watch football. Don't PI photos usually have to entail some kissing and affection in them in order to be legit proof? They always do in Lifetime movies. A photo of the husband in the background doesn't seem to prove anything.

the Boyfriend SAID his kids told him that their mom told them that a PI took pics.
The boyfriend may be making the whole thing up.

Or someone else.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

People should pass judgement on dating married people (man ir woman).

Someone who is separated from their wife for over a year, has their own place, and is in the process of getting a divorce is not what I picture when passing judgement on "dating married people"

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Someone who is separated from their wife for over a year, has their own place, and is in the process of getting a divorce is not what I picture when passing judgement on "dating married people"

Not that I'm getting into the fray here but for clarification the OP started dating the guy 6 months after he had moved out.

 

[EveDallas]

clarifying some points:
I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

He moved out once 15 years ago but moved back because of the kids. 2 years ago, after the youngest turned 19 he moved out for good. He's been very transparent with me from the beginning so I totally trust him.

Please don't turn this into "dating a married man" debate.

Thanks

Like it or not, that's what you're doing. You can pretty it up however you want, but in the end, he's still married.

 

[NewGoal]

So I was traveling yesterday afternoon and didn't realize this thread has gotten so many acton..lol.

There are a lot of judgement, assumption and imagination from one small paragraph I gave, but I guess that's how the internet is.. It's anonymous so people are not afraid to make statements.

I posted yesterday morning because I was pissed that my privacy was invaded. After some hours, I've calm down and now don't really care.. She can use it however she wants.

None of my IRL friends stopped being friends with me because I'm dating a separated married man and none of his IRL friends stopped being friends with him for leaving his wife. I think those actions override opinions from stranger on the internet.

 

[Flowers12]

Wow, people are really telling the OP that they should give ultimatums in their relationship after reading a 300 word post.

The rush to judgement around this place is seriously uncomfortable at times.

You must be new here, welcome. This is what happens. Stick around they will turn it into a working moms vs stay at home moms fight in a minute

 

[disneychrista]

There are a lot of judgement, assumption and imagination from one small paragraph I gave, but I guess that's how the internet is.. It's anonymous so people are not afraid to make statements.

This is unfortunately the truth. If you aren't doing things the way some posters feel is the right way then you are are obviously a horrible person.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

So I was traveling yesterday afternoon and didn't realize this thread has gotten so many acton..lol.

There are a lot of judgement, assumption and imagination from one small paragraph I gave, but I guess that's how the internet is.. It's anonymous so people are not afraid to make statements.

I posted yesterday morning because I was pissed that my privacy was invaded. After some hours, I've calm down and now don't really care.. She can use it however she wants.

None of my IRL friends stopped being friends with me because I'm dating a separated married man and none of his IRL friends stopped being friends with him for leaving his wife. I think those actions override opinions from stranger on the internet.

I don’t know what the situation is in the US but in England and Wales it can take years between obtaining the decree nisi and the decree absolute. Indeed many lawyers advise their clients not to file for the the d.a. until all issues relating to children and finances have been resolved. A family lawyer friend of mine told me that the majority of clients have met someone else by the time the d.a. is obtained. Financial issues can take years to resolve. Sadly divorce doesn’t mean that if a couple has, for example, £100,000, they will each walk away with £50,000. By the time assets are liquidated and legal fees paid, each party is more likely to walk away with £30,000.
In my mind the marriage is legally over when the decree nisi is granted. Good luck. I hope that you and your partner will be very happy.

 

[Kitty 34]

You must be new here, welcome. This is what happens. Stick around they will turn it into a working moms vs stay at home moms fight in a minute

And the poster you quoted has been on the DIS a tad longer than you. Welcome to both of you!!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don’t know what the situation is in the US but in England and Wales it can take years between obtaining the decree nisi and the decree absolute. Indeed many lawyers advise their clients not to file for the the d.a. until all issues relating to children and finances have been resolved. A family lawyer friend of mine told me that the majority of clients have met someone else by the time the d.a. is obtained. Financial issues can take years to resolve. Sadly divorce doesn’t mean that if a couple has, for example, £100,000, they will each walk away with £50,000. By the time assets are liquidated and legal fees paid, each party is more likely to walk away with £30,000.
In my mind the marriage is legally over when the decree nisi is granted. Good luck. I hope that you and your partner will be very happy.

Here it varies by state on what a divorce entails both in terms of assets, time, residency requirements, and reasons a divorce is allowed.

Financial aspects usually depends on the state law and the particulars of a specific couple and the courts' caseloads.

Depending on the state one can be considered divorced in the courts (as in it's been accepted and filed and in the eyes of the law divorced) but not all aspects of that divorce completed. If you're wanting to move on with your life you might go that route and become legally divorced while dealing with the consquences of said divorce over time.

 

[LSUmiss]

So I was traveling yesterday afternoon and didn't realize this thread has gotten so many acton..lol.

There are a lot of judgement, assumption and imagination from one small paragraph I gave, but I guess that's how the internet is.. It's anonymous so people are not afraid to make statements.

I posted yesterday morning because I was pissed that my privacy was invaded. After some hours, I've calm down and now don't really care.. She can use it however she wants.

None of my IRL friends stopped being friends with me because I'm dating a separated married man and none of his IRL friends stopped being friends with him for leaving his wife. I think those actions override opinions from stranger on the internet.

I agree ppl’s opinions I know irl trump strangers on the internet which is why I don’t post asking strangers for advice.