18 year olds, sigh

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yep. No question that legally she didn’t have to share that information. But to me, as her mother, not asking how she was doing would have been uncaring. YMMV

Yeah...but that's not at all what I said and I think you know that You can ask all you want, you can still be that caring mom. She just didn't have to disclose the information to you and in your original comment it was " For her to suddenly not want to tell me how things were going just because she turned 18" you were upset that she didn't want to disclose that, why would you choose to make the comparison that not asking meant you weren't caring and then smack in there an YMMV when that's not at all what was being talked about.

 

[SmallWorld71]

Sorry, your post made me chuckle as I am on 18 year old number three and it's not easy. With the boys we used to say this was to prepare us to be able to let them go to college. Still, even though I know it's typical, it still hurts. DD18 and I have gotten so close during the pandemic and most of the time she is my sweet BFF girl. But, when she's not, yikes! It stings.

 

[choirfarm]

I was in your shoes a year ago. What a difference a year makes. She went to college 14 hours away. Yet me talk almost every day and have wonderful conversations. She apologized to me for being a brat that last year. When she was home for Christmas I was worried, but she was delightful. Part of it is normal, but I do think Covid is making it worse. I do feel for you as I was SO ready for mine to get out of here. Her doing so improved our relationship greatly.

 

[AndreaDM]

Thanks everyone, I was having an off day because of some things she said and it’s just so mentally and emotionally exhausting! I just have to keep telling myself “this too shall pass”.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't understand how or why that would be a "favorite" anecdote?

Just a dumb thing a kid said.
I didn't mean him being dead was my favorite.

 

[mrodgers]

You see, back in the day when they were 18 they had to go out and work, or join the service, or whatever and were not allowed to lay around at home. When you have to do hard work all day, every day, you don't have much time left over to be bratty.

Back in what day? I'm not all that old. I had a job at 16 in high school. In college I had to work more because I had to pay for college. There was no easy "free" money for college and every parent wasn't sitting on easy street financially saving up $300,000 for their kids' colleges. Yet at 18 I too had the I'm-an-adult attitude and I would bet money that every person on this forum could step down out of their normally dictated perfect world and admit that they did too as did their children at 18 out of high school.

 

[mumto3girls]

Yeah...but that's not at all what I said and I think you know that You can ask all you want, you can still be that caring mom. She just didn't have to disclose the information to you and in your original comment it was " For her to suddenly not want to tell me how things were going just because she turned 18" you were upset that she didn't want to disclose that, why would you choose to make the comparison that not asking meant you weren't caring and then smack in there an YMMV when that's not at all what was being talked about.

Hmmm. I actually am not at all certain what you meant. It came across to me that you were lecturing me about what an 18 year old does and does not have to disclose to me. As someone who turned 18 herself, has 1 child who has already turned 18 and another who is about to, I am fully aware of what she did and did not have to tell me at that point in time. I also think that as her mother it would have been uncaring for me not to ask her how she was doing with an ongoing issue that I had previously been involved with. I was not demanding to see her records or speak with her doctor, just inquiring as to how things were going following an appointment that she went to on her own for the first time. I have no idea how old you are or what your relationship with your parents/children is like, but in my family people ask questions like that hence the YMMV.

My larger point in terms of the discussion was that although I felt like she was being a bit of a brat, riding it out that relatively short period of time without getting upset was the right move for us. That may not work for every family, but for me that approach worked with this particular kid. There are two more to come so we shall see.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Hmmm. I actually am not at all certain what you meant. It came across to me that you were lecturing me about what an 18 year old does and does not have to disclose to me. As someone who turned 18 herself, has 1 child who has already turned 18 and another who is about to, I am fully aware of what she did and did not have to tell me at that point in time. I also think that as her mother it would have been uncaring for me not to ask her how she was doing with an ongoing issue that I had previously been involved with. I was not demanding to see her records or speak with her doctor, just inquiring as to how things were going following an appointment that she went to on her own for the first time. I have no idea how old you are or what your relationship with your parents/children is like, but in my family people ask questions like that hence the YMMV.

My larger point in terms of the discussion was that although I felt like she was being a bit of a brat, riding it out that relatively short period of time without getting upset was the right move for us. That may not work for every family, but for me that approach worked with this particular kid. There are two more to come so we shall see.

You are hung up on this whole "a caring mom would ask part" where in my comment and where in your comment did that ever come up? It didn't. Frankly I'm really not sure why you keep bringing that up as if that was somehow said or even insinuated. It wasn't.

I only responded to your part that said "not wanting to discuss medical appointments (until she needed $ or insurance info)" Her not wanting to discuss it has zero to do with you being a caring or for that matter perceived uncaring mom or even asking to begin with. Nadda zilch to do with it. I offered the perspective that as she was 18 now she didn't have to (as in you were in control of her medical information) disclose medical progresses. Really that's it, nothing more nothing less. Eventually she became comfortable again telling you. Happy ending and really the end of what I was discussing Probably best to move on now considering we've both explained our thoughts No harm no foul intended here just best to move on

 

[slo]

Your post brings back so many ugly memories - my oldest, who’s now 22, was such a challenge at this age

I didn’t read through this whole thread, but I just want to say to keep the faith that it will get better. My DD went from how you described in your first post, to now calling me or texting me every day (sometimes multiple times a day). I’m not gonna lie, it was a long stressful road for awhile, but we both learned a lot on that journey to make things better today.

Keep in mind that this time period won’t last forever, even though I know it seems like it will. Good luck with everything and God bless!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thanks everyone, I was having an off day because of some things she said and it’s just so mentally and emotionally exhausting! I just have to keep telling myself “this too shall pass”.

It's not you and it's not your kid, they ALL do it to some degree As a person grows up they try on lots of hats and many of them frame horrible versions of themselves they will throw these out, hopefully. This really is a phase. For me, the most gratifying things I ever heard was each of my kids acknowledging they were jerks and thanking me for loving them anyway.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Somewhere around 20 we all just sort of give up and ask that they just keep location services on so we know they aren't in the woods or in a ditch at 3am, as parents give up it gets more binary, it's the little things LOL

 

[rottiemom]

This thread! I am going through this now with my 17yo son and it is a nightmare filled with walking on eggshells. The pandemic and remote schooling has just added to the mix. It truly is like my son was replaced by someone else. I just pray that we both survive this.

 

[C&Jx2]

And my DD just turned 15 and has made comments that when she turns 18 she can do what she wants. Pump your brakes child because that’s not happening.

My daughter said that to me recently too. I said, “You can barely style your own hair so good luck”.

 

[LuvOrlando]

This thread! I am going through this now with my 17yo son and it is a nightmare filled with walking on eggshells. The pandemic and remote schooling has just added to the mix. It truly is like my son was replaced by someone else. I just pray that we both survive this.

Practice bending and stretching, it hurts at first but gets easier and prevents breaking

 

[AndreaDM]

LOL, I am at the "give up" stage after raising 3 daughters! As strict as she may think I am sometimes (I'm not), she has so much leeway compared to her sisters, at some point you're just like, "whatever, I don't care anymore, do whatever you want". Of course the 29 year old is always saying, "I never would have gotten away with that!".

 

[motherof5]

And I realize as I post this, I'm opening myself to lots of criticism because as we all know, 99% of the DisKids are total overachievers with a 5.5 GPA, go to church every Sunday, happily do all their chores, and volunteer 50 hours a week lol.

OMG this made me laugh!

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I feel your pain and I know it is hard to wait it out. I also know I was a brat at that age and put my parents thru hell for a time.

I also wanted to point out that you missed taking 42 AP classes in our second post. We know all good DIS kids do that too.

As I pay for my kid's cell phones I tell them I expect them to answer my texts as soon as they can. My normal text, usually on Sunday afternoon when they were in college, was Alive?

I don't want to know anything about what they are doing or where they are. I just wanted to know they were alive at least at that moment in time. Yeah was the normal response.

I always tell parents never ask a question to which you might not like the answer at that age. That is why Alive? was always a good one for use.

Now I hear from them all the time. I do have location services turned for all of them, but I really only use it when they are coming to our lake house on Friday night so we can try and time dinner for when they arrive. I use it again on Sunday a few hours after they leave to make sure they got home ok. I also use it at Disney World so I can find them at Epcot when they go over before me as they can drink way more than I can.

Life will get fun again soon. Just push thru and do the best you can.

 

[mjkacmom]

LOL, I am at the "give up" stage after raising 3 daughters! As strict as she may think I am sometimes (I'm not), she has so much leeway compared to her sisters, at some point you're just like, "whatever, I don't care anymore, do whatever you want". Of course the 29 year old is always saying, "I never would have gotten away with that!".

My oldest gives me crap about this all of the time! My 18 year olds have no curfew, but I like to know where they are (location services). Once they go to college, that stops. My oldest‘s bedroom was in the attic, no boys allowed. Dd19 took it over junior year, I gave up, now her out of state boyfriend sleeps over for several nights in her room (technically it’s two rooms with a bed and a futon). We are the halfway point between their university and his home.

 

[SC Minnie]

OP - Be patient. You'll get smart again when they are around 22ish.

 

[RamblingMad]

Back in what day? I'm not all that old. I had a job at 16 in high school. In college I had to work more because I had to pay for college. There was no easy "free" money for college and every parent wasn't sitting on easy street financially saving up $300,000 for their kids' colleges. Yet at 18 I too had the I'm-an-adult attitude and I would bet money that every person on this forum could step down out of their normally dictated perfect world and admit that they did too as did their children at 18 out of high school.

My parents approach was that since I was an adult I could have all of the expenses that go along with being an adult such as paying rent to them. I worked full time and went to university in the evenings and around lunch time. My employer let me go to school for one off classes during the day, but then I went straight back to the office. Between studying and working, I was exhausted most of the time. I would come home and go straight to bed. I barely saw my parents the entire time I went to university. If your kid has enough time to be a brat, then they're not working hard enough.