Would you...could you live with in-laws?

[2021isworse]

I’m struggling here. In laws are elderly. FIL is in hospital now. Back and forth on whether he is going to make it. My poor husband is really struggling with the possibility of losing his daddy. I completely understand as I have lost both of my parents. It is very hard. We tried to get them to agree to going to assisted living for the past several months. She has slight dementia and he has great mobility issues. It would be good for both of them. They have mentioned us all living together and us helping them. We both have full time jobs and several more years to retirement. Even if we could, I just can’t commit to that. I love his parents but it is very depressing to me to even think about living with them. My husband has been against it also. I’m just afraid that all of these feelings of possibly losing his dad will change his mind. I feel like I am being selfish even thinking about it and that I just can’t bring myself to even think that I MIGHT could do it. I am so afraid it is going to come up again. They are very good people but dad is a bit demanding. Has always made things go his way. Money isn’t an issue. They can definitely afford assisted living. Could you live with your in laws?

 

[HeatherC]

If you are even hesitating in the slightest, that is telling you something. Don’t do it. I probably could live with my mil but that is me. I guess I feel like unless everyone (including you) are on board, that is one thing. But if your gut is telling you no, follow that instinct for your sake, your husbands sake and your in laws sake. That is not being selfish. It is being honest and real. I wish you all luck!

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

In this situation, absolutely not. They need a level of care you cannot provide. This is not 2 healthy, active people moving in. Becoming a FT caregiver is one of the most stressful things a person can do.

 

[mjkacmom]

No, and I love them dearly. My parents are gone, loved them too, but nope to living with them. My dad had Alzheimer’s for over 10 years, my mom was his caregiver until she got cancer and passed. I hired a live in for him, he was not an easy person before dementia, but after? Fortunately my husband and five children helped tremendously (my oldest moved in with him after college to save money and study for the CPA, he was weeks away from assisted living when he had a heart attack and passed). We had to get him into a place with enough money left to pay for his care for at least 3 years to give him a chance at a Medicaid bed.

 

[ronandannette]

I’m struggling here. In laws are elderly. FIL is in hospital now. Back and forth on whether he is going to make it. My poor husband is really struggling with the possibility of losing his daddy. I completely understand as I have lost both of my parents. It is very hard. We tried to get them to agree to going to assisted living for the past several months. She has slight dementia and he has great mobility issues. It would be good for both of them. They have mentioned us all living together and us helping them. We both have full time jobs and several more years to retirement. Even if we could, I just can’t commit to that. I love his parents but it is very depressing to me to even think about living with them. My husband has been against it also. I’m just afraid that all of these feelings of possibly losing his dad will change his mind. I feel like I am being selfish even thinking about it and that I just can’t bring myself to even think that I MIGHT could do it. I am so afraid it is going to come up again. They are very good people but dad is a bit demanding. Has always made things go his way. Money isn’t an issue. They can definitely afford assisted living. Could you live with your in laws?

After having been through various scenarios with all of our elderly parents, you'll get no judgement from me. However hard you feel it might be, triple it and you'll be closer to right. Before you go any further, even in your own thinking, my advice is to get with your DH and really, really talk this through. For as long as it takes. Don't act on anything until you are both united; don't underestimate how important this aspect is. Grace and peace; I wish you all well.

 

[Traveling on cc points]

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like it would be a full time job that is not possible in your situation.

would they be open to a full or part time care taker in their home?

 

[mjkacmom]

I want to add it can be dangerous to help someone with mobility issues. My mom weighed 135 pounds when she had cancer (that was her weight before cancer, always in good shape, 5’8”). After her last hospital stay, my sister and I couldn’t get her off of the toilet. Fortunately her best friend who was a PA who was bringing her home gave me the heads up, and I was able to hire a caregiver who could lift her, bathe her, get her in and out of bed. I can’t tell you how terrified we were of hurting our mother.

 

[disykat]

If they could afford assisted living - NO WAY! Best case scenario is a leveled care situation (with memory care available to move into when needed) near your home. Leveled care is a great way to keep as much independence as possible.

I'm going to write a novel, so buckle up!

My parents live in a leveled care situation and they are well cared for. In the last five years we've gone from home help then moving them into residential, then assisted, now memory care as they needed and became comfortable accepting more care. Honestly it's enough work with dealing with their finances and property and visiting them regularly even with them in full care. I retired early 3 years ago because it is so much work. Even having siblings to help, who both also still working when this started and also live no where near them, it was just too much.

Unfortunately, they refused to leave their city/state. If I had my choice, they'd be near me or my sister.

I could never have lived with my FIL - period. He is gone now, so I can see DH's mother coming to live with us if something happened to DH's sister though. She really can't afford decent leveled care. Like your situation, she is in the hospital, now rehab center for a few weeks, and it is touch and go. We're in the process of seeing what she will qualify for in terms of long term care help. At this point, she'll be living with DH's sister and since I'm there in the same town every 3rd week with my folks I can be there to give his sister some respite.

I plan to go to leveled care near one of my kids eventually. I've made them promise to drag me kicking and screaming if they need to because I don't want them doing what I'm doing. Spending all this time commuting between states is not how I anticipated spending my empty nest years! (Though I'm thanking God that my kids were fully launched before this nightmare started.)

I've seen first hand the difference between leveled care and family care because of our two families. I would NEVER choose family care if I had a good leveled care option, especially now that the pandemic is hopefully winding down. My parents have activities, exercise, music, a variety of foods, etc. available every day and then relaxed visits with family (that started again three weeks ago - finally!) . DH's mom has exhausted family members struggling to make it work.

This is overwhelming and it is a struggle. Be careful for your own self care and mental health. It's even okay to feel resentful for this situation. Know that his parents would not want to be a burden and don't allow their current ideas of what is best to cause you to forget what they might have wanted for themselves or for you at your age. Having the money to have options is a true blessing. My parents said early and often that they didn't want us to have to care for them and they would move willing into leveled care - but boy did it change when reality hit them! I have to remember what they used to say, not what they say now.

 

[kdonnel]

My in-laws have lived with us since October 2019.

It has worked out MUCH better than I ever imagined.

They were so close it made it so easy to care for them during the beginnings of the pandemic.

The idea is to keep them here where we can easily care for them as long as possible. For the moment they are completely independent but just in the 18 months they have lived with us I have seen a decline in ability.

My dad came to live with us about a year before he passed. We cared for him as long as we could but ultimately had to place him in a facility that could provide more care. Luckily, I know that sounds bad, he died just a few months after going to the facility. It was over $6,000 a month in the beginning and well over $10,000 the final month.

If they have the money, for the two I would estimate $6,000 - $8,000 a month, increasing as their needs become more, I would say find a place close by. If not you may just have to figure out how to make it work.

 

[Meglen]

I might sound heartless but I would prolly move out if my mil had to move in.

 

[Cheburashka]

No!

 

[neverlandsky]

Could we? Yes
Would we? No. Seen the heavy emotional toll it takes on 24/7 caregivers. 24/7 caregivers almost look worse off then the ill themselves.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I couldn't.

You SHOULDN'T. Their medical problems wouldn't be helped by living with 2 working adults. They would need skilled care, at least some of the time during the day. It doesn't sound like their health problems will improve with time. Hopefully, your FIL pulls through, but this medical scare should show that the two of them need some kind of living arrangement that includes skilled care. If possible, find a quality facility that's near enough that you two can visit regularly. After my MIL broke her hip and had a "come to Jesus" moment, she found a facility near enough so that BIL could stop in a few times a week, have lunch with her once a week, that sort of thing.

 

[BayouQueen]

No, couldn't do it.
We've been through the same situation. Lots of people are facing the same. Ultimately it's just too physically demanding to care for an adult invalid. It requires training and a team working in shifts, two things that are hard to put in place in one's home.

We had our parents in skilled nursing close to us so we could be very generous with our time in visiting, bringing special foods, things like that. But 24-hour care is best left to a professional team, imho.

 

[prairie_girl]

I don't have a mil or a fil but there is no way on this Earth that I would consider living with my bil. He's a bigot with all the worst -ists and I'd move out before I'd live under the same roof as him.

 

[mom2rtk]

I never could have done it.

And how does it help if you are both working all day? They would still need help.

 

[slo]

NOPE!!
I love my in-laws, but there is just no way I could live with them. They can afford an assisted living place, and a very nice on.
I don’t feel guilty about saying that, because I do not expect my girls to live with me when I’m in my older years and I have told both of my girls that too.

 

[mefordis]

I’m struggling here. In laws are elderly. FIL is in hospital now. Back and forth on whether he is going to make it. My poor husband is really struggling with the possibility of losing his daddy. I completely understand as I have lost both of my parents. It is very hard. We tried to get them to agree to going to assisted living for the past several months. She has slight dementia and he has great mobility issues. It would be good for both of them. They have mentioned us all living together and us helping them. We both have full time jobs and several more years to retirement. Even if we could, I just can’t commit to that. I love his parents but it is very depressing to me to even think about living with them. My husband has been against it also. I’m just afraid that all of these feelings of possibly losing his dad will change his mind. I feel like I am being selfish even thinking about it and that I just can’t bring myself to even think that I MIGHT could do it. I am so afraid it is going to come up again. They are very good people but dad is a bit demanding. Has always made things go his way. Money isn’t an issue. They can definitely afford assisted living. Could you live with your in laws?

No way could I do it. I really hope it doesn’t come to that for you . Don’t feel guilty for how you feel .

 

[OneOftheB's]

We actually built our house with an area of the daylight basement that could be built out as an apartment, with the intention of inviting one or the other set of parents to move in, should the need arise. My mother died before that was even a thought. When my father could no longer live alone, we offered to finish the apartment; he would have a garage and a separate entrance. Dad said, no, he had promised himself he would never burden his kids with that and we found him a great assisted living. I think he enjoyed being there; he found some friends, loved the guest history lecturers that came in as well as the musical performances they had at least once a week.

So, as far as my in laws, if it was a necessity we could offer the apartment, but I hope and pray it won't come to that. My FIL is suffering long term mental issues related to his bought with Covid and my MIL is a very passive aggressive person who loves to gossip (kind of like what I'm doing, right? only she blows up the level of the issue and tells everyone she knows the real and made up problems because she wants all of her friends to "pray for" the person/people involved). Alzheimer disease runs in both sides of DH's family, so I don't know if we could safely house them should the disease kick in.

So, I'm going with a no if at all possible, I would not live with my in laws.

 

[indimom]

I don't have a problem with FIL living with us if needed. I'm a nurse and work in home care environments so I have the experience to manage the needs of an aging parent. But, DH and I currently both work full time. So, it's really not just about what we would like to do. The question would really be, could we care for a parent full time while trying to work? If he needed around the clock care, even if you hired caregivers for the day...you still have to deal with the needs that come at night, while still trying to get enough sleep to manage working the next day. That's a big challenge. I've seen people take it on, and it takes a serious toll.