Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

[Shanti]

Glad to give you all something to quote and attack!!!!
The attention is just so flattering!!!!
I really could not care less if anyone else agrees with my advice to somebody who posts here asking. But, flattering nevertheless!!!!!

OP, again, as I had already posted... I might compromise on the hotel, but would simply not share a room, or not have my own transportation, if I thought I might need or want it.
I understand that this is about WAY more than the hotel room. My advice has never been about the hotel accommodations alone.
Unfortunately, since you mentioned speaking with your brother... it sounds like your sister has now involved your brother, sowing seeds of *******, and is having him 'take her side' in her efforts to totally control.
I do understand how you might feel.
I do support you and hope this all works out!!!!

Thanks for the support. This has gotten worse over the past couple of days & been turned into a major drama. It's great to hear supportive words.

 

[cabanafrau]

Disagreement = attack? I don't think so. It's called difference of opinion and more often than not hasn't got anything at all to do with the person with whom one disagrees, merely differing thoughts on a subject at hand. Generally on discussion boards people use a quote feature merely to give other readers an indicator as to thoughts and ideas they're commenting on, NOT as any type of commentary on the individual who posted the remarks.


The law does have procedures to handle intestate estates. They pass by operation of law to next of kin as matter of course. Lawyers are not REQUIRED for estates. There are often good and valid reasons for Interested Parties to have legal representation as they choose. Beyond possibly having a lawyer draft estate planning documents, the estates of most average Janes and Joes are settled without the use of attorneys. Unlike TV and movies, lawyers who draft estate plans are not usually waiting on retainer, ready to handle estate distribution once a testator or settlor dies. Quite often attorneys who drafted an estate plan are themselves deceased or long retired once their former client passes. The person who stands in the shoes as executor/administrator/personal rep of the estate is actually the one to handle the matters TV and the movies usually depict handled by an "estate attorney". Often the person with that responsibility will retain an attorney to guide them through the process, or to represent them in court matters where necessary. Other beneficiaries or interested parties(creditors, etc.) would need representation by their own legal counsel if necessary or desired -- such as if they wished to challenge designation, nomination or application as executor; terms of will or trust; distribution of assets and/or property, etc.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This has gotten worse over the past couple of days & been turned into a major drama.

What's happened?

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Sometimes as adults we have to do things we don't want to do

As an adult, I do what I *choose* to do.

"Going along" with something is just choosing to capitulate.

"Have to" is not a valid reason for an adult to do anything.

 

[Shanti]

What's happened?

My brother called again to try to get me to change hotels, despite the fact that I already told him the B&B I'm at is nonrefundable. They don't care about that. He also tried to get me to agree not to rent my own car, again, being extremely pushy & not taking no for an answer.

A bit of backstory: my brother used to be a crazy driver, going 80 on non-highway roads frequently even with me in the car. I hated riding with him. Once he crashed his car into a pillar going almost 90. He is lucky to be alive, and his car looked like the car from that "they lived" car commercial you might have seen, and his jaw had to be wired shut for about a month.

I frankly don't feel comfortable riding with him, especially in what I'm sure is going to be the tiniest economy car you could rent, since they're so big on pinching pennies this trip.

Just a few months ago I was hit in a nasty car accident by someone who was texting while driving their SUV, & I was in a compact car. I still haven't made a full recovery and I'm done driving in compacts, and I don't want to be driven manically around a California city by my brother as we hop from bank to bank.

I told my brother, without referencing his driving record, but rather tactfully mentioning my recent accident, that I just felt more comfortable driving myself in a car of my choice.

He just told me, "Well, they have therapy for that." At which point I told him I was ending the call. He must have called my sister, who immediately called/texted repeatedly, saying this all had to be resolved right away, and instead of answering I texted that I didn't want to talk after my conversation with my brother. Then she immediately got my mother to call & text to really apply the thumbscrews. I ignored those messages, because I am so done with this.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My brother called again to try to get me to change hotels, despite the fact that I already told him the B&B I'm at is nonrefundable. They don't care about that. He also tried to get me to agree not to rent my own car, again, being extremely pushy & not taking no for an answer.

A bit of backstory: my brother used to be a crazy driver, going 80 on non-highway roads frequently even with me in the car. I hated riding with him. Once he crashed his car into a pillar going almost 90. He is lucky to be alive, and his car looked like the car from that "they lived" car commercial you might have seen, and his jaw had to be wired shut for about a month.

I frankly don't feel comfortable riding with him, especially in what I'm sure is going to be the tiniest economy car you could rent, since they're so big on pinching pennies this trip.

Just a few months ago I was hit in a nasty car accident by someone who was texting while driving their SUV, & I was in a compact car. I still haven't made a full recovery and I'm done driving in compacts, and I don't want to be driven manically around a California city by my brother as we hop from bank to bank.

I told my brother, without referencing his driving record, but rather tactfully mentioning my recent accident, that I just felt more comfortable driving myself in a car of my choice.

He told me, "Well, they have therapy for that." At which point I told him I was ending the call. Then my sister called/texted repeatedly. Then she got my mother to call to really apply the thumbscrews.

I told them I'm done talking for a while.

Oh, boy. FWIW, I support you completely!

 

[starry_solo]

We've already received money from various accounts, actually. So no estate plan was needed.

Which is wrong and opens the bank up to liability. ...unless you, your sister, or your brother was listed as a beneficiary on the bank account when it was opened or was a joint tenant.

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW......
I am so hate to hear this update.... and that your toxic sister now has both your brother and your own mother 'appying the thumbscrews' over a flipping hotel room!!!!!

OP, I am so sorry for how all of this must feel.
I continue to support you.

I am sure that you are finding this to be a real eye-opener.
I hope that this thread and some of the advice from those of us who are familiar with this type of thing has brought some clarity.

I don't begin to know any specifics about what you should do at this point, or how it may be possible for it all to work out in any positive manner.
If it continues to become more negative and stressful, in the end, it might be worth considering just bowing out, instead of trying to be involved in order to possibly see any monetary gain.

I can almost guarantee you that your sister does have legal counsel. This lawyer has drawn up the papers that you have seen.
And, these papers would have to be presented at any bank or business in order for your sister to have gained any access.
Your name, as a joint survivor, is probably now established.
If that is the case, then, along with the papers that you have already signed... I don't see how any bank or business could ignore your interests.
That might mean that you might be able to simply bow-out right now, and someday see notifications arrive in your mailbox.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Starry, I have worked in banking, in my previous life...
I can assure you no bank is risking any liability at all.
The OP has already mentioned 'signing papers'.
It seems just so very obvious that there is already legal counsel, obtained by the sister.

 

[gillep]

WOW is right. I am sorry to hear that your family is going off the deep end on this one. I don't understand why there needs to be any more drama or discussion regarding this, and why now more adults are getting involved in something that has nothing to do with them. You are not costing them any more money, and you can presumably get yourself to whatever locations you need to be on time, as you will have your own reliable transportation.

 

[Shanti]

Starry, I have worked in banking, in my previous life...
I can assure you no bank is risking any liability at all.
The OP has already mentioned 'signing papers'.
It seems just so very obvious that there is already legal counsel, obtained by the sister.

She's gotten advice from a lawyer friend on how to do all this, but the papers were not drawn up by an attorney. We've provided documentation of his death & our status as his children, and we've jointly signed affadavits. That has been enough for 2 banks and a mutual fund, so far.

I've just chosen to disengage and let things cool off in the week before the trip. I'll go, and do it my way. I think they've figured out that they can't browbeat me anymore, as the phone has stopped ringing/texting.

 

[RC Fan]

Make no mistake, you are all being controlled. Neither your mother or your brother will stand up. The only one who can stand up for you is you. I am sure your sister will do whatever she pleases regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I think you are doing the right thing. It won’t be easy, but standing up for yourself will be the best course for you in the long run.

As far as the lawyer, no one needs to know you have sought legal advice.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm late to the thread but here's my thoughts-apologies in advance for the long post:

My sister became enraged at him because she wanted to "release" the baby photos on Facebook herself,

Well I actually do understand her feelings on that. The thing is on engagements, births, deaths, etc there are just some things out of respect that you wait or ask for permission first.

she didn't think he removed the photos quickly enough after she complained.

I did see that you said it was later that day. Unfortunately with FB unless you delete something very very quickly after posting it other people can see if (heck even instantaneously they can see it on their News Feed).

This resulted in my brother being shunned from family events (which are mostly held at her house) for about four years.

Now that is pretty outlandish. She can sure hold a grudge. I would have been upset but would have eventually worked it out...it would not have taken 4 years by any means though.

My sister is really angry about this.

This is a recurring theme in your comments. Why is she sooooo angry. I get controlling but I'm not generally around people who are angry at every little thing. Annoyed, whiny, rude, etc sure but angry at any hint of something not being their way...there's more going on to that. Maybe she needs to set up with a counselor to work on that honestly.

I see my sister and her family on a weekly basis, as my son and I travel to her home each Sunday. It's important to me to keep family relationships strong for the sake of all the kids.

Yeah...look the thing is keeping family relationships strong doesn't mean seeing family members all the time and it doesn't mean you should have to put up with verbal abuse or controlling behavior like that.

I don't love my grandmother any less than my husband loved his grandmother even though I see my grandmother a lot less than he saw his grandmother when she was alive. Don't equate spending every week seeing each other as the only way to keep relationships strong. A bit of distance is good for a lot of people for a variety or ways.

the rest of the family put in the position of having to do separate Christmases, Thanksgiving, etc., because she wouldn't be at a holiday event where he was.

Here's my honest opinion-your family could have done the holidays elsewhere and said "if you want to come come if not don't" Unless your family had an issue with your brother I don't see why they would choose for four years to not include your brother even if that meant possibly excluding your sister-sometimes tough decisions have to be made and in my viewpoint it's unfortunate the decision they made for 4 years.

I feel for your brother because while your family was put between a rock and a hard place for 4 years he sat and watched while his family basically kowtowed to your sister's demands of her being there or not.

My brother was angry at the time he was being shunned, but now is happy to be back in her good graces.

I understand his anger in this situation but your second part of your statement I would have issue with.

Today, after talking with my sister, he called me to try to tell me to stay at their hotel & not get a rental car. I told him my plans were set, and he wasn't happy.

My brother called again to try to get me to change hotels, despite the fact that I already told him the B&B I'm at is nonrefundable. They don't care about that. He also tried to get me to agree not to rent my own car, again, being extremely pushy & not taking no for an answer.

Well sure that's understandable. He doesn't want to rock the boat, he doesn't want there to be strife, especially given his photo issue several years back.

I was never given any choices about this trip. I was told where I would have to stay & how, without any input from me even after I had requested in advance to have input.

But I think you probably already knew, based on a lifetime knowing your sister, that you would probably get very little input on things. I do agree with another poster that your sister is taking on the bulk of it and that's fine but

Well, I'm not bending over and I have this thread to show for it...

That might be the reason why.

There's a difference in taking a stance in some things but bending over in the grander sense. I applaud you for providing a reasonable solution for wanting a different hotel (that you would be getting yourself to their hotel and they wouldn't have to worry about it) and on your dime but I do think that in many other facets outside of the present issue of settling up the accounts you probably see it easier to keep the peace as much as possible. Not that I don't understand that but me compromising on certain things doesn't mean I give in and let someone else dictate so much of my life. I'm sure it's exhausting always feeling like you need to do things the right way in order to not incur her wrath.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP did mention that they were not comfortable with the hotel they chose either, so an alternative option to compromise with the sister might be to agree to stay in the same place but choosing a different hotel that the three of them agree on. If the sister balks at a price difference, perhaps offer to pick-up the difference in cost. I know we're being told the sister is not reasonable, so she may still freak, but a logical person could see she would not have a leg to stand on if this compromise was offered. Everyone would be happy, in one place, and the estate would not be spending anything additional.

I don't think the OP's sister would have been game for another hotel just based on how many times she gets angry. Sometimes people who really are controlling lack the ability to compromise or even see the logic in it. Could the OP suck it up for 1 night? Sure but if it was a one off thing that's different than an overreaching feeling of having to do things according to the sister or suffer the consequences.

 

[fla4fun]

I am just taking a moment to thank the powers that be for my wonderful sister, and the fact that we are very close and respect each other’s space and opinions. We had to go through losing both parents in the space of five months, which was hard enough without any negativity between us. I can’t imagine going through life without her support, and vice versa.

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I hope things get a lot less stressful for all of you very soon.

 

[amberpi]

Thanks for the support. This has gotten worse over the past couple of days & been turned into a major drama. It's great to hear supportive words.

Hate to hear this, @Shanti. I'll be thinking of you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If there has not been an actual licensed lawyer involved. That is just incredible.
Any bank should ONLY accept true legal documents.
Something that somebody just typed up??? Really??? Are you kidding????
Is she actually trying to pass off / forge legal documents?

Again, have all of your signatures been notarized?

Shanti...
PLEASE, before the sun even gets high in the sky Monday morning... Seek some reputable legal counsel.

My heart goes out to you as you go thru all of this!

 

[Shanti]

If there has not been an actual licensed lawyer involved. That is just incredible.
Any bank should ONLY accept true legal documents.
Something that somebody just typed up??? Really??? Are you kidding????
Is she actually trying to pass off / forge legal documents?

Again, have all of your signatures been notarized?

Shanti...
PLEASE, before the sun even gets high in the sky Monday morning... Seek some reputable legal counsel.

My heart goes out to you as you go thru all of this!

Nothing has been forged, and yes, our affadavits and other documentation were notarized.

 

[Disney Doll]

Best of luck OP. It’s going to be a long trip.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I haven't seen my nephews in several years. Is it sad? Yes. Do I wish my kids knew their cousins? Yes. But, I would rather miss my nephews than have my kids subjected to my vindictive, controlling brother.