Death of relationships.

[Pea-n-Me]

I have friends in their late 20s and 30s who want to be married. Most of the men do not want to settle down. I don't know if relationships are on decline. What I do know is that less men want to settle down in their 20s and sometimes 30s.

This.

And why would they when they have a whole world open to them now, of people who they can have the physical/carefree part with, without the obligation of the relationship part?

Speaking about dating/hook up Apps like Tinder here. (Don't even want to post the link because it's not family friendly, but read the Vanity Fair article called "Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse", it's eye opening.)

A woman I know who's a therapist recommends to women who come to her with this type of problem, to try to look for men who aren't big into social media. There are still some out there, but obviously it's challenging trying to find them.

DD20s best friend is having such a hard time, it's been painful for DD to watch. This friend is in her first "relationship", but the guy is playing her for all its worth, and continuing to hook up with other women while stringing her along. All of this friend's friends are trying to help her see the reality, but she, at least right now, for whatever reason, can't let go. He treats her like garbage. It's sad.

So yes, I saw a lot of accuracy in the article, OP!

 

[luvsJack]

This.

And why would they when they have a whole world open to them now, of people who they can have the physical/carefree part with, without the obligation of the relationship part?

Speaking about dating/hook up Apps like Tinder here. (Don't even want to post the link because it's not family friendly, but read the Vanity Fair article called "Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse", it's eye opening.)

A woman I know who's a therapist recommends to women who come to her with this type of problem, to try to look for men who aren't big into social media. There are still some out there, but obviously it's challenging trying to find them.

DD20s best friend is having such a hard time, it's been painful for DD to watch. This friend is in her first "relationship", but the guy is playing her for all its worth, and continuing to hook up with other women while stringing her along. All of this friend's friends are trying to help her see the reality, but she, at least right now, for whatever reason, can't let go. He treats her like garbage. It's sad.

So yes, I saw a lot of accuracy in the article, OP!

Dd sees a lot of that with friends too. The friends are anywhere from 18-30 something. It's amazing to her what some will put up with just to hang on to the guy.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

There'd be a lot fewer divorces if it were harder to get married. Our society front-loads so much garbage into "getting married" that it's no wonder people who really have NO business getting married are the ones who jump into it.

I don't know what you exactly propose to make it harder to get married.

I'm also not exactly sure that it would be a causation to less divorce--the harder to get married part.

To be fair, if she's dating people near her own age, if a physical relationship is important to her prospective beaus they're probably being forward-thinking. Because let's face it, for a 60-something, if they want that, they better get it while they still physically can.

And to be blunt, look at any retirement community... there are a LOT more women than men. Surviving men get their pick (provided they're not horrible).

Surely you're not suggesting my mom go and have sex with a stranger after just exchanging phone numbers? (as that is what she runs into with the dating sites)

Older or not she's not looking for a quickie..she's looking for a lasting relationship. And no they are not being forward thinking..they are thinking with....well you know what I mean.

 

[bdcp]

Our boys are 31 and 34 (in a couple of weeks). Youngest DS has been married for 4.5 years (very happily) and met his wife when they were both 24. Oldest DS finally got on Bumble because the girls he met all just wanted to be "friends". He wasn't looking for just a friend. DH and I have been happily married for 36 years (we got marred at 21 and 24) and most all our family have been married long term. Divorce is very rare in my family. Both boys said over the years it was really hard to meet a girl who wanted a relationship with a NICE guy. Sorry, I raised them to be nice, polite gentlemen. DDIL really appreciates it. Oldest DS just stared dating a girl who he met through Bumble and they mesh very well. She told him she can't believe he's still on the market. He tall, good looking, polite, a gentleman, has a job, owns a home and wants a family. Too many girls want to date the "bad boy" even though they say they don't.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

YES! Certainly here in Australia, the divorce process is a PITA. Way easier to get married.

Divorce can be a process and take several years here depending on the state, the situation, etc.

Doesn't stop people from getting married necessarily--knowing the divorce process that is.

Father-in-law's divorce was just finalized a couple of months ago after 3 1/2 years after filing for example due to the legal processes plus the dissolution of property and medical coverage issues. They were married for over 10 years before he filed.

When you're getting married you don't have the separation of property including money to go through, the court processes to go to, the child support or spousal support, etc.

Most often that is what takes the longest with divorce (unless a legal separation time period is required) and is the more pain-staking aspect of divorce.

In father-in-law's case his soon to be ex-wife had no income but had a decent amount of $ due to inheritance. The second home was bought with that inheritance so he wasn't legally allowed any money from that however they worked with the courts that he would get half of the appreciation+half of the $ from improvements. The first house they split the appreciation, etc. Then they were discussing the lake house which out of spite she didn't want him to have, then she had breast cancer (the cancer started months before he filed for divorce though) and all her medical coverage with through my father-in-law's work so they had to work out where he would pay for her medical coverage for 2 years AFTER the divorce is finalized (he's already been paying for over 3 1/2 years), then finally she gave him the lake house which allowed the divorce to go in front of the judge again and it was finally granted.

It makes logical sense for it to be easier to get married than get divorced. The hurdles you have during divorce aren't usually present when getting married. About the only thing I can think of is requiring counseling--but that does not guarantee divorce won't occur.

My own parents went to counseling before marriage (Catholic counseling for a year), attempted counseling prior to filing for divorce and it was no real help. They were married for 12 years prior to divorce.

I think counseling could be great for the first few years but most people I know who have gotten divorced aren't ones who were married for only a few years and then filed for divorced, they were married for long enough and what they would have learned prior to marriage isn't what would have 'saved' the marriage.

 

[Colleen27]

There'd be a lot fewer divorces if it were harder to get married. Our society front-loads so much garbage into "getting married" that it's no wonder people who really have NO business getting married are the ones who jump into it.

I agree that if it were harder to get married, there would be fewer marriages and maybe even fewer divorces. But would that be a good thing? Or would it simply shift the dynamic to long-term cohabitation and messier separations without the legal processes of divorce protecting both parties' (and their children's, if they have any) interests? Because it might accomplish the simple goal of reducing divorce rates while actually increasing the incidence of all the social and financial problems that are the reason divorce rates are viewed as a problem in the first place.

 

[minneylovesmicky]

It stopped just long enough for me to run out and do the grocery shopping. There are parts of my road (not near me) that are inaccessible, my patio is a mess with dirt all over it but no doubt it’ll flood again so I refuse to clean it up. I’m in north central Vic which seems to be getting hit more so than Melbourne. Gah!

Sorry I never got back to you, hope it has all settled down now and you have dried out. We ended up with about 20mls, a far cry less from the 100mls forecast, but hey it was rain and it soaked in. Now we just need summer to start and I will be a happy camper.

 

[texaslover]

I've seen that too... but to be fair, abuse isn't the only form of mistreatment and women my age often feel very taken advantage of, especially if the division of household and child-rearing responsibilities is very out of balance (as studies show it still is most of the time). Most of the middle aged women I know who left basically good men did so after years of feeling like a doormat or a household servant and many futile attempts to agitate for a better balance at home, and they did so not out of any sense of midlife crisis but because they got through years and years by thinking "It'll get easier when... (the baby sleeps through the night/the kids are potty trained/the youngest starts school/the oldest can help with the driving) and finally realized it isn't going to change.

This is so true. I'd also add that many women still have the desire for intimacy and sex but the man is the one who loses interest or doesn't make it a priority and, for some, it is something they would really prefer not to do without for the rest of their lives.

My ex was also condescending and sometimes downright nasty in his words and tone but always in private. I'm sure some people thought I was leaving "a good man". I did all of the cleaning, all of the cooking, all of the child raising, and went back to work full-time but when I asked for one small favor (could you please pick up milk on the way home) it was met with scorn and an "I'm too busy". Or he just didn't pick up the phone or acknowledge I tried to contact him. Marriage isn't always as cut and dried as saying, just live with it and work on it. One person can't save a marriage.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

This is so true. I'd also add that many women still have the desire for intimacy and sex but the man is the one who loses interest or doesn't make it a priority and, for some, it is something they would really prefer not to do without for the rest of their lives.

My ex was also condescending and sometimes downright nasty in his words and tone but always in private. I'm sure some people thought I was leaving "a good man". I did all of the cleaning, all of the cooking, all of the child raising, and went back to work full-time but when I asked for one small favor (could you please pick up milk on the way home) it was met with scorn and an "I'm too busy". Or he just didn't pick up the phone or acknowledge I tried to contact him. Marriage isn't always as cut and dried as saying, just live with it and work on it. One person can't save a marriage.

The same happened when i left my ex. I’m still hated by some people in his family because i ruined our family but no one knows what happens behind closed doors. My ex was a great provider but it stopped there. In his eyes since he made more money and paid more bills the kids were my job even though i worked full time and contributed. He would sit on the couch for hours and if i asked for help he would tell me i was lazy. Lol. I left for many other reasons too but being single was MUCH easier than being married. One less person to take care of. No one to argue with. If i wanted to do grilled cheese for the kids for dinner then that’s what i did.

I got tired of it and knew i would rather be single than deal with that anymore. We are now pretty good friends and in new relationships. It worked out for us.

 

[mjkacmom]

I got married at 23, I had my grad degree, a great job and a great guy (he's still a dear friend); I knew nothing about the world! I was FAR too young (for me), and the first person to get married among my friends. Most of my friends got married around the time I got married the second time! Lol! That guy was not love at first site, but by the end of the date, it was. Too bad that the man I fell for wasn't the real him.

I don’t think their real selves show up until about a year, and if they show up when they are still young, they can change. Dd21 is on her fourth long term relationship. What scares me is that he’s 27, and I’d ra5her her get married closer to 30. She has a one year masters program still, and then her CPA, and she’s a very practical person. Maybe he’ll move on. She says she won’t even consider kids until after 30. Ds19 appears to be a player, but doesn’t try to hide it. He’s just a college student having a good time.

 

[Hikergirl]

Hmm, maybe people just don't want a relationship with her.