Since I’m still being dragged through the mud….When my husband and I first made the suggestion that my mother move in with us- and as I had mentioned in my earlier posts, we had trouble getting the necessary approvals from our town to be able to have an in-law-apartment. We started to give up on the idea. My mother thought we were having a change of heart and stopped speaking to me until we got the ok from the town. So again, this is what she wanted. I did not take her in for any other reason than thinking this was the right thing to do.
As for the sale of her home. I have one sibling-a brother. My mother sold him her home for I believe about $75,000. This was probably somewhere around $25,000. less than full-market value. I didn’t think that was totally out of the norm for a parent to sell a home to a child at less than full price. She was able to move on with her life in her new home without any of the hassle or readying her home for sale and she helped give my brother a boost in starting off his life. There was no talk about was what fair between the two of us or anything like that at all and we weren’t dividing up my mother’s money as if she was going to die. She also had plenty of savings left to live on very comfortably. My brother and I are very close and aside from my husband and children are the only ones who “totally get” my mother.
My brother completely rehabbed the home and when he got married 3 years later, he and his wife lived in the home. By the time they had children, my mother was retired and helped care for his children a couple of days a week.
In 2006, my brother sold the home for significantly more than he paid for it. He had put in the work and home values had increased. He used this money to buy another house and moved out of the area.
Also after my mother retired, she began to winter in the south. As I mention before, she stays in a gated retirement community with others her age. She has been doing this for 13 years. It is not cheap. She spends somewhere in the neighborhood of $10,000. per year to do this. This means that she has spent approximately $130,000 from her savings in the past 13 years to do this. I don’t know what she has left. Could be $20,000. Could be $50,000. Could be $100,000. I don’t know. This is something that she thoroughly enjoys and looks forward to. It is also a three-month respite for me.
My mother did not provide childcare for me. This is not to say that she did not ever take care of my kids. But this was certainly not her job. She did not clean for me. For about the first 5-6 years that she lived with us, I cooked dinner for her each night and included her in the family dinner. As the years went on and there was no reciprocation from her, I began to feel like a doormat and we weened away from the dinner. I do not cook for her any longer. I do include her for all holidays. I never expected her to cook for me, clean for me, mow the lawn, etc., but I did expect for her to reciprocate when she could-such as providing a side dish or something for a holiday dinner, helping with the dishes. She does not.
As I mentioned, my brother and I are very close and on the same page with everything related to my mother. My brother has urged me many, many times to make a change for my own well-being and he would back me up. He and his wife have no interest in taking in my mom after seeing what I have dealt with. Even if they would, mom has no desire to go there. It would mean moving away from the area she has lived all of her life.
I feel that moving her into a 55+ community is still living up to my responsibility and obligation to my mom. She would be living in a safe, comfortable environment, close to her friends, with transportation to doctors and shopping. As I’ve said many times now, I am willing to help her out with expenses.
My brother doesn’t want anything from me or my mother. My brother has told me over and over again that I deserve everything and then some.
In reading your responses, it seems the overwhelming majority feel that she is entitled to a return on her investment-so that’s what we will do. I think one of the reasons that I was stuck was that one of the things that she will probably be angriest about would be that she would really have to watch her funds if she wanted to continue wintering in the south. I wasn’t sure if I was required to ensure that she would be able to continue to do that.