OK... just... wow... I couldn't even make it through all 13 pages, but I'm definitely gonna add to this mess of responses.
First - just so you all know what kind of person you are talking to when you get to my responses. I have ALWAYS lived with my mother. My mother and I are the best of friends, I informed her not too long ago that I didn't care if I had to change her nasty diapers and sponge bathe her, she was LITERALLY gonna have to die to get away from me, and when I met my SO (of 12 years now) his choices were made clear to him, he moved in with me and dealt with the situation, or we would never live together. That's just the kind of relationship I have with my mother. My father on the other hand... well...let's just say that I found out on Facebook that he died... AFTER the funeral. My sister and I are some weird mix of these two relationships. I adore her and her munchkins beyond measure, her daughter spends every summer from the day school lets out til a week before she goes back with me, and I'm finally getting to take the whole family (6 of us) to Disney this November (it will be an... interesting trip)... but we BARELY make it through Christmas or Thanksgiving dinners without at least two fights and 3 hours of the silent treatment... and folks... she doesn't even stay the night, so I'm talking less than 24 hours here! Ohhhh.... but lord have mercy on the poor soul that ever messed with her and I found out about it, let me tell you! My extended family, for the most part, barely knows I exist, and I have no clue at all how many of them there are... so really, we are all kinda dead to each other for the most part.
So... I have the whole mixed bag when it comes to family relations, I am coming to this post with more than 3 people's fair share of family drama, some of which even led to legal issues. that said....
OP
I've read all your posts up to page 7, I'm sorry, I just can't take any more after that, so I do hope you actually are still reading at this point.
What I get so far is this -
1. You bought your dream home, never intending to move (aka intended to be permanent) but the neighborhood has gone to heck in a handbasket and changed those plans, especially in the past year or so.
2. At some point before the neighborhood bottomed out forcing you to consider moving but after you bought your dream "forever" home, your father died and in a rash emotional decision you let your mother move in with you.
3. Your mother sold her house and split the money between all the kids, and instead of the cash the others got, you got an addition to your house that (mostly) your mother has been living in, but that can NOT be billed as an extra or additional apartment if you sell the house, once she moves out it is nothing more than square footage, and depending on its location (sorry if I missed it, I didn't see it mentioned), not automatically good or useful square footage.
4. Your mother pays no rent, taxes, insurance, or maintenance but does pay her own bills otherwise, including some sort of cleaning service (plus what you provide) as well as taking an extended vacation every year.
5. Your mother has worked, and does live independently when she chooses to (she is wintering elsewhere after all), and is utterly helpless when she chooses to be... and you have fed into this and enabled it for 20 years.
These are the important parts as I see them. Sure, there are more, but really, they are emotional issues, personal issues, and really not all that important to an objection thought or decision, which I'm going to try and give you. First, kudos to you... I'd have killed myself before I took my father into my home under any circumstances, much less let him keep up the crap that made me miserable as a child for 20 long years. I'm just not that good of a person when it came to my father. I'm not entirely sure I could deal with my sister for 20 years, though I can say that she always has a place to land if she ever needs it, and I suspect she would want out just as fast as I would want her out, we are just better sisters with some mileage between us.
So, your question was about the money, and how much of you "owe". The answer is nothing. It really is that simple. And it is that simple because she split the money from the sale of her house up between ALL the kids. I'll say that again... the money she spent on your house was ALREADY yours, and you chose to allow her to spend it on the addition. Though I'm sure that's not how you saw it at the time, that is essentially what happened. She sold her house, gave money to all the other kids, then spent your share on HER apartment in your home, which she then ALSO lived in rent free. All the while having the convenience of her grandkids whenever she wanted them, a chauffeur/maid/handy man on call at all times, and never feeling the need to think of even the basics of home ownership, much less her own future beyond this setup.
You owe her nothing.
Now, what you feel you should do for her is an ENTIRELY different question, and one that you have already received far too many answers to, but I will add this, as it would be my solution - Sit down with the hubby, consider things together, make a decision as a couple, then inform mom of her options. You are adults, you don't need her permission, you do however need to get over the emotions and come to a sound and logical decision for your marriage and your life, then inform your mother so she can do the same, try to make sure she has some time to freak out a little, come to terms, and make a decision for herself if possible, as I would consider that just polite. If she refuses to make a decision after a reasonable amount of time (I'd say a couple of months, but you know your situation better than I do), then make one for her and let her deal with it. She will deal with it as is her nature if she puts you in a position to force your hand. Whatever you do, once you have made the decision, do NOT back down from it. You have enabled her enough, she will either make a decision herself or force you to, and either way, she will deal with it.
To Some of the Rest of You - You know who you are, and if you aren't sure, read carefully just to make sure...
I have to say, I am shocked and dismayed at what I've been reading, and honestly more than a little bit disgusted. I'm not going to call any one out personally, I'm just not built that way, but I do feel some things need to be said.
Do you really feel your answers were helpful in some way? I had to check three times to make sure I was still on the DISboard... ya know... DISNEY board. Isn't this the place where people go because they feel safe with "their own kind", with lovers of Disney and all that Disney stands for when they have something that is causing them deep emotional pain and they just need a hand to see through the pain to the right decision?
When did it become OK to shame someone so openly? When was it decided that holier than thou was a Disney value? When was the magic abandoned so wretchedly?
I'm really starting to feel like I've made a huge mistake joining this board. The hate and judgment that is tossed so wontonly is just heartbreaking, and I'm ashamed to see the Disney name associated with such behavior.
This isn't the first post that got me riled... but I'm afraid it might be the last I bother with if this is how you help you fellow Disney Fan deal with a heartbreaking situation that she looked to you for honesty and support for. Most of you didn't even answer her actual question or care about what that question was, you just jumped straight to putting her down and berating her because ... well... I'm not even sure why you did it except pure meanness, and honestly, I don't care what your reason was. It wasn't a good enough reason, whatever it was. She isn't to blame for whatever personal situation YOU are in, so stop making her pay for it.
Either be a help or be silent... or some day you will find that only you hateful people are left, at least until you all insult each other into leaving as well.
She drives to the grocery store and senior center and lunch with her friends, goes about her day and does what she wants, but she no longer has to worry about who to call if the refrigerator stops working, or doing heavy cleaning like scrubbing floors. Her place has those medical alert buttons in the bathrooms, and they gave her a wristband to wear around the campus, so she feels safe and knows someone will be right there if she needs help, day or night.
