Looking for Advice....

[Pea-n-Me]

I also... how to word this?

I'm seeing lots of references to "this is the right thing to do because" with references to the money and who got what, was it fair, etc.

To me, that has little to do with what's right here. OP insists she did this out of the goodness of her heart. But then goes into a lot about resentment because of what the siblings (or was it sibling?) got, etc.

That has to be put aside, IMO. It muddies the water.

Either you do something because it's the right thing to do, or you don't. That in and of itself, not the surrounding circumstances. Regardless of the rest.

No question, it's been a difficult journey for OP. Often it is the things which are most difficult that have greatest meaning and worth, in terms of life. I would advise OP to worrying so much about everything else other than her situation with her DM and that alone.

Once again, as I said in my first post on this thread. Just because you have the right to do something it doesn't necessarily follow that it's the right thing to do.

OP, you seem like a nice person. You need to search in your heart to figure out what, if any, obiligation your have to your DM. I sense that you are a bit torn about it. Don't make the mistake of making another mistake here. Don't act until you're absolutely certain what the right thing to do is. I don't think this has to be as black and white as is being portrayed here. Find the middle ground, whatever that might be. As I said before, life has a funny way of twisting and turning.

I have more of a universal view than a selfish one, myself. I sort of think that everything we do, and the situations we're placed in, are there for a reason. I know not everyone agrees with that. But I suspect you do. You are just a little confused, and probably overwhelmed, with all the details. (Understandably.) It's also hard when you have others around you egging you on in a way that doesn't jibe with the way you feel in your heart.

I read a good book not too long ago in which the author talked about how elders are revered in most other societies. Many of us here seem to have lost that somehow. Here it's me, me, me. Elders don't fit in with how we want to live ourselves. And dammit we have the right to be [fill in the blank]! Hey, I get it, it's hard! It's inconvenient! It downright sucks sometimes! But that - at least to me - doesn't change what I feel my obligation is, especially when I made a commitment. No way will I not be keeping up my end of the deal, even when life gets difficult.

Before my father passed away, one day he asked me to promise I'd always take care of my mother. I think I was college age, and he was sitting at my dining room table. I said of course I would, not giving it a whole lot of thought at the time. But I sometimes think back to that conversation of so many years ago. I've had a lot of life experiences since then and I understand now than ever more where he was coming from. We had a lot of problems in my family. It would've been nice if my father's business was more successful, or if he didn't have so many problems related to his service in WWII, or if my mother had a different type of personality or drive, etc., but that wasn't how it was. I've had to deal with the reality. The important part to me, in retrospect, is that all of those experiences made me who I am today, and I get it. Just because I grew up with difficult circumstances doesn't mean I have to perpetuate them. I'd rather strive to make them better while keeping in mind what matters most to me. YMMV. People can believe whatever they want to believe, but *I* believe that everything we do counts.

I imagine I'll get flamed for this post, but have at it. I'm more concerned the OP hears what I am trying to say.

And to be clear, I am not saying that the OP shouldn't necessarily not go forward with her plans. But I am saying things have to be done the right way. For everyone. (And so far, it's not off to a great start.)

I think what makes me the most sad about this whole situation is that the DM trusted the OP and her sib(s) to do the right thing by her. THAT is my takeaway. Trust, but verify.

 

[sam_gordon]

OK, I've read all the pages. I don't see anything wrong with the OP wanting to move. I don't see anything wrong with the OP not wanting Mom to move with them. Where I do see "wrong" is a lack of communication...
1) Between the OP and the mother. IMO, making this kind of life changing decision (OP has said 'I found an retirement community for her') without talking to mom is wrong. A serious conversation between the adults needs to happen.
2) Between the OP and her sibling(s). Regardless of how many siblings she has (and I agree, she made it sound like there were multiple and then admitted there was only one), they need to have a discussion, possibly with mom, on what funds mom can use to live off of (whether in a retirement community, her own apartment, or with one of her children). Siblings will be at different places in their life on what they can afford. Just because someone "made a bunch of money" or "has a good job" doesn't mean they should pay more.

I don't think it comes down to what's "legal", "fair", or "right". It comes down to what works best for everyone. So, OP, pull on your big girl panties, sit down with your mom and discuss your plans. LISTEN to what she has to say. Sit down with your siblings and discuss how to pay for things.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Wow this thread is a mess. I haven't read the whole thing, don't really see the need when the details keep changing.
It sounds to me like there was a conscious and mutual decision for the mother to add an addition on the Op's house and move in. My guess is it was mutually beneficial. Now it doesn't work for the Op, so she wants out.
I think the whole thing is gross. It doesn't sounds like the Op gives a care about doing right by her mother. I don't mean by staying in the house but she doesn't even seem to feel liked she should talk to her mother about it beforehand or feel obligated to do right with the profits from the addition. Here's a hint, if you have to talk to a lawyer to decide what you should do about the profits from the addition, you should really look at the type of person you are. If you try to justify screwing your mother out of money because brother got $X, you should really look at the type of person you are.
You want to move? Ok, move but understand that you do have an obligation to your mother because of the decisions you made about the addition and her moving in.

 

[SirDuff]

OK, I've read all the pages. I don't see anything wrong with the OP wanting to move. I don't see anything wrong with the OP not wanting Mom to move with them. Where I do see "wrong" is a lack of communication...
1) Between the OP and the mother. IMO, making this kind of life changing decision (OP has said 'I found an retirement community for her') without talking to mom is wrong. A serious conversation between the adults needs to happen.
2) Between the OP and her sibling(s). Regardless of how many siblings she has (and I agree, she made it sound like there were multiple and then admitted there was only one), they need to have a discussion, possibly with mom, on what funds mom can use to live off of (whether in a retirement community, her own apartment, or with one of her children). Siblings will be at different places in their life on what they can afford. Just because someone "made a bunch of money" or "has a good job" doesn't mean they should pay more.

I don't think it comes down to what's "legal", "fair", or "right". It comes down to what works best for everyone. So, OP, pull on your big girl panties, sit down with your mom and discuss your plans. LISTEN to what she has to say. Sit down with your siblings and discuss how to pay for things.

I'm lazy so I'm quoting this. I agree with this. It seems like the OP and her mom are both in difficult positions (whose "fault" this is doesn't matter at this point - even if "fault" could be assigned). The move forward is open communication and, as Sam says, figuring out that works best for everyone involved (which likely means a compromise on everyone's part).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Actually, I cannot follow what happened any longer because with every explanation the OP posts, the story changes.

It's difficult to fully support someone who keeps changing or gives contradictory information but yet seeks advice. I completely get complicated families for sure but if I'm to genuinely seeking advice why would I need to change/alter, etc details? Perhaps it's easy for some (and I don't mean that in a mean way) to ignore inconsistencies but I'm just not one who can do that and that will impact my responses to the OP. An internet forum isn't the place to be really seeking advice on something like this but it makes even less sense when you change information or when you deflect. It's hard to tell if the OP is even open to having an honest open adult conversation with their mother and other members of the family if they have they have struggles with laying out the straight up facts to strangers on the internet especially given that resentment seems to have played a large role in how the OP views the situation. But then again perhaps it's easier to have that with their own family than with peeps on the internet. That I suppose does depend on person to person.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I know more has been added, but the OP definitely said her brother bought the house from mom, lived there for several years, made improvements, and sold it with a profit. The OP also stated that the issue of moving came up very recently, with a property for sale, and she wants to get all of her ducks in a row before the uncomfortable discussion with her mom. No one should be obligated to take care of a family member indefinitely. 19 years is a long time. I've watched 3 generations of women in my family live miserable lives, living together. The youngest is almost 60, still in the same house she has lived her entire life, where her mother cared for her grand mother, and she now cares for her mother.

Well the initial post was the sib(s) got a "payout". Then it changed, a couple of times. But whatever.

Same generations choosing to live together is different than a parent/child situation where it's a financial necessity. Especially, as I've said before, when parental resources are slim. (Extremely slim, to almost non-existent in some cases.)

That's what I feel a lot of people aren't getting.

Not everyone has the luxury of a pension or comfortable savings. Sometimes on either side - parent or child. You are forced into a situation where decisions have to be made from choices that aren't ideal no matter how you slice them.

I started to post this on (disykat's thread I think it was, I could be wrong) the other day but didn't finish. I don't have time to re-write all the details but basically after my mother was widowed she was in a tough situation. Yes, you can say why didn't they plan better, but that's neither here nor there. It was what it was, and we were left with the fallout. I was very young myself. Like a pp, we (mainly one of my sibs and myself, another was out of state) had to clean and fix up the house (no luxury of hiring people for that); later, sell it. It took a couple of years, and was far away. I sometimes had to travel there after working an overnight shift to deal with some type of problem, then drive home and be back at work the same night, etc. Grueling. (And dangerous, driving all over the place with no sleep.) DM was still working, and would've continued to have to work. At 69/70. The neighborhood was unsafe and things had happened that had us worried. Sometimes I had to have police do well checks if I couldn't get a hold of her. Fortunately DH worked nearby but he had to go over regularly to fix the blown down fence, mow the grass, fix whatever needed fixing, power wash graffiti of the side of the house (yup), have to try to explain to my mother why letting her best friend's son, the heroin addict, break into the house when she locked herself out, was not a good idea, etc. It was endless. And I honestly thought I might find her murdered some day. Yeah, not good. And I am not exaggerating - it was a difficult situation, and hard for young people just starting out to have to deal with. I would've loved it if Mom had the resources to retire and to move into a nice 55+ community, but yeah, that wasn't happening.

As a matter of fact, I spent a lot of time exploring ALL of her options. We looked at local inexpensive condos. Unable to afford that with just a SS check (as said before, in the Notch, so signifantly less coming in than others, and that was IT). Because she had "assets" from the sale of her house, she could not qualify for low income senior housing in our area. (Many people advised me to lie or hide things but that's just not me and I didn't feel comfortable doing that, I wanted to keep it on the up and up for my own integrity.) We had a family meeting to discuss. It made the most sense to all of us for her to come to live with us for the long term. And as I said before, my DH was fully on board because he lived with his grandmother in his household growing up, and they had a special relationship; in fact, he was the one who first suggested it. So she built her (legal) in-law suite onto our home with the premise that she would be there for life, whatever happens. Even though I was young, I knew what I was getting myself into and accepted that condition. And we had no crystal ball. We can look back now and say, hey, she's been here 23 years, but when we were looking forward, we had no idea how it would pan out. Still don't, in some ways. (As I said, she's 92 soon.) Anyway, she had a very small amount of assets left over and I have to say, even though she sucks at changing light bulbs and setting clocks (let alone many, many other things, lol), with her "depression era" mentality, she made that little bit of money she had work for her for the past 23 years. So God love her. I am proud of her for that. She is a simple woman with simple needs and a simple lifestyle. So no trips to FL or jewelry or fashion (not that there's anything wrong with that), just home, church, grocery store, Kohl's, family events, and that was about it. When she moved here we had no children and didn't know if we ever would. We did. And yes, she was very involved with them, by choice. (I also hired caregivers and sent them to childcare so she was not overly-burdened.) To this day, when she shops, her cart is at least half-full with things my kids like. (I've told her for years it's not necessary but it's what she likes to do. As well as cook them their favorite foods and "spoil" them in other ways. Although she still puts a $5 bill in their cards, so nothing too extravagant, lol.) These days they help her probably more than she helps them, so it has come full circle.

Things haven't always been perfect. My mother and I have had our share of heat-butting and disagreements. She has habits I don't like, and I have some she doesn't like. I think it's natural when people live together. But as much as it an be difficult at times, especially now where she's become more dependent on us, I don't see her being here with us as a negative. Just the opposite, really. I know it was certainly a lot easier for me to help her with her being right here. My kids have had someone that loves them very much in addition to DH and I right here with them and I think - wait, I know - it's impacted them positively in a broad sense. They haven't just been on the receiving end in life, they have to give, as well, and that's never a bad thing in my book. (We haven't heard much from the OP about how her kids were impacted, maybe it wasn't positive, idk. I'd hope it was, though, at least to a degree.) So anyway, there are always different ways of looking at any situation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry this is so long......

Looking for opinions and/or advice-My DM moved in with dh and I 19 years ago after the sudden passing of my DF. DM was 54 at the time and had never been on her own. DM paid for the addition of an in-law apartment on our home which included some additional living space for us as well. DH and I have taken care of all maintenance on the exterior of the house for the last 19 years-including DM’s apartment. Paid all of the taxes, homeowners insurance, repairs, water bills, etc.

Our children have now grown and left the nest. DH and I have been considering selling the house for a little while now. Our neighborhood has changed and we live near a busy thoroughfare. We were recently presented with an opportunity to purchase a home that we are in love with in a very quiet, off-the-beaten path, rural area. There will be no room for DM and I don’t think it would be a good move for her anyway-she’s 74 now. Doesn’t drive much and this would be very isolated for her.

Here’s my dilemma. DM will be very angry. The decision was made very quickly for her to move in with us after the death of DF. In hindsight, this was a bad decision that should not have been made so quickly at such a difficult time. DM went from a situation where she was very dependent on DF to where she is very dependent on myself and DH. She has always been very good at manipulating others to get her way. It is time for DH and I to be free to make decisions that are best for our future and while I feel comfortable with this decision, I also have a lot of guilt. There was never any discussion about the what ifs when she moved in. DM has made a lot of assumptions in her own mind that she would be with DH and I until the end. Because of this, she is not prepared neither mentally nor financially to live on her own. My plan is to move her into a 55+ apartment complex where she will be around people her age. This complex also provides regular transportation to the grocery store and other trips and activities. I think she will love it once she accepts it. The biggest problem is financial and this is the part that I’m really torn. We will be selling our home. DH does not feel that DM is entitled to any of the proceeds and I’m not sure. The apartment and additional living space has contributed to the current value of the home, however, DM has never contributed to the upkeep and taxes during the past 19 years and has essentially lived for free during this time with the exception of her utilities. She will be able to afford her rent for the new apartment, but it will drastically impact her standard of living-which will also make her very angry and resentful. I am willing to help her out with some expenses-but do I owe her more than that?? Any thoughts??

Your DH stated his piece, end of discussion imo. You owe your mom the ability to be as independent as possible.

Paying her bills means she is living beyond her means which is a FINANCIAL no no! What if something happens to you guys? Think about that. She has to live within her means, period.

We are moving our parents this month. Sure my almost 80yo mom would LOVE to be in assisted living!!!

Thing is my parents are spend thrifts their whole lives and cannot afford it. So guess what? We are moving them into a "handicap accessible" brand new apartment THIS MONTH in fact.

You have to set your mom up as independent. She must be within her financial means. It is doable. We have done this for 20+yrs with my parents and they have spend thrifted themselves to close to bankruptcy many times.

 

[appleplie]

It really does explain the state of the world right now when it’s easier for people to believe and assume the worst in someone rather than believing that they always just tried to do right thing. That my parents raised a daughter and son to be good people who are not in competition with each other over making sure that one doesn’t get a penny more than the other. Have I ever been resentful of the fact that my brother doesn’t come around a lot?? Of course. Or that he doesn’t help out maybe as much as he should? Of course. But not enough for it to impact our relationship. It is what it is and he has his own reasons for how much he feels is required from him. Even if I had the ability to make him do something, it has to come from him.

Many of you commented about me using a new username. I created a new user name because my previous user name included information and posts that would possibly make me identifiable. I have shared very intimate feelings and details about my mother, my brother and myself. Besides, aren’t we all posting anonymously??? I guess it makes it much easier to spew nastiness to one another.

Some others mentioned inconsistencies in my story-yet the only inconsistency brought up is that I said I had multiple siblings when I only have one. What difference does it make how many siblings I have?? I really just didn’t want people that may know me to recognize me. My story has never changed-I’ve just had to provide more details at every turn because nobody could believe that it was what is was. I never thought I had to explain why I moved her in and why I think it’s time for her to move out. I’m even having trouble remembering every detail of what was said or done 19 years. That was never what I was asking opinions about.

Some have asked what the impact has been on my children. My children have been raised to be very kind and caring. They love their grandmother and have a wonderful relationship. We’ve always had a little inside joke in our home that “it takes a village” (which we’ve also said to my mother) because we have all been in this together and all pitch in. My husband and I wouldn’t have allowed it any other way.

I think maybe what I haven’t been clear about is that this current situation is not working for her either. She moved in because she was scared and panicked. Afraid to be alone and just panicked. Had we waited a year like someone suggested, we probably would have had a totally different outcome. We never thought 19 years ago that she would ever travel and stay on her own. When she winters, I hear from her once a week-you know why? Because she’s busy-as it should be. One of the underlying reasons why she may be so needy when she’s here is because she’s lonely. She enjoys being around people. Moving her with me does nothing to address this. If she were to move with me, she would have a bedroom to herself and a shared kitchen and living space. She has a girlfriend that visits from out of town a couple of times a year and stays with her. She needs to have her own space to be able to continue to do this. When and if the time comes that she needs to be cared for, that is a completely different story and, of course, I will take care of her-but we’re not there yet. She never would have initiated a move herself due to financial concerns. She doesn’t know that I would have been willing to help her. Plus, I haven’t always been in a situation that I could financially assist her. This is the opportune time.

I did receive from very valuable advice from some of you that I have taken to heart. One of them is to include my mother in the decision process and to have an open adult conversation with her-which is what I intend to do. I just wanted to get some advice and have my ducks in a row beforehand. There are nuances, dynamics and many details that are specific to my situation that I could never list or fully explain in an internet post. Please stop flaming me and assuming the worst about a situation that will I will never be able to fully explain to someone that has had a totally different set of conditions. Sometimes you just have to believe.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Knock it off with the flaming. Nobody is flaming you. I am not flaming you.

I brought up your new username because AmberMK chastised posters here for hating on you when you were "looking for honesty".

And yes, the inconsistencies in your story over and over and over again got people confused and had them scratching their heads, so they brought them up.

Lots of people have shared intimate feelings, not just you.

You seem to have downplayed a lot of things when it was convenient for your story.

Go ahead and do what you want. And good luck with it.

And yes, my tone is changing her because I'm done with you playing the victim.

I spent half my morning here trying to say something to you and your response is to flame me.

If all you got from this thread was to include your mother in the decision process, well, I think you read what you wanted to hear.

If you ever want to talk further, PM me using our real username.

 

[appleplie]

Knock it off with the flaming. Nobody is flaming you. I am not flaming you.

I brought up your new username because AmberMK chastised posters here for hating on you when you were "looking for honesty".

And yes, the inconsistencies in your story over and over and over again got people confused and had them scratching their heads, so they brought them up.

Lots of people have shared intimate feelings, not just you.

You seem to have downplayed a lot of things when it was convenient for your story.

Go ahead and do what you want. And good luck with it.

And yes, my tone is changing her because I'm done with you playing the victim.

I spent half my morning here trying to say something to you and your response is to flame me.

If all you got from this thread was to include your mother in the decision process, well, I think you read what you wanted to hear.

If you ever want to talk further, PM me using our real username.

Ironically, Pea-n-Me yours was one of the posts I was referring to when I said that I got some valuable advice from. Sorry if I offended you.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Besides, aren’t we all posting anonymously??? I guess it makes it much easier to spew nastiness to one another.

I'm not being snarky at all here but I'm not posting anonymously. My username...well it's actually my name

 

[appleplie]

I'm not being snarky at all here but I'm not posting anonymously. My username...well it's actually my name

And so is my usual username-also not meant to be snarky.

 

[pryncess527]

I am bowing out of this because it has just gotten totally ridiculous..

You probably should have stuck to this. I'm not sure anything you've added has helped your cause or led to you getting better advice. Sometimes the best thing to do with a thread like this is bow out and let it take its course without you. I bet it would have died a few pages ago if you hadn't kept stoking the fire with responses defending yourself.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Ironically, Pea-n-Me yours was one of the posts I was referring to when I said that I got some valuable advice from. Sorry if I offended you.

I sincerely thank you for posting that. Because over the last few days, this thread has brought me back to a rather dark period in my life and this afternoon I find myself in tears for some reason. So I'm glad it was worth it if you got something out of it. It's not an easy subject for many of us.

 

[appleplie]

I sincerely thank you for posting that. Because over the last few days, this thread has brought me back to a rather dark period in my life and this afternoon I find myself in tears for some reason. So I'm glad it was worth it if you got something out of it. It's not an easy subject for many of us.

Well it really did. And I completely agree that I should have stopped posting long ago. And not to play the "victim" by any means, but I have really been in a dark place myself these last few days and I just couldn't seem let it go that anyone would think poorly of me. I am letting it go. I wish nothing but the best for you.

 

[sunshinehighway]

It really does explain the state of the world right now when it’s easier for people to believe and assume the worst in someone rather than believing that they always just tried to do right thing. That my parents raised a daughter and son to be good people who are not in competition with each other over making sure that one doesn’t get a penny more than the other. Have I ever been resentful of the fact that my brother doesn’t come around a lot?? Of course. Or that he doesn’t help out maybe as much as he should? Of course. But not enough for it to impact our relationship. It is what it is and he has his own reasons for how much he feels is required from him. Even if I had the ability to make him do something, it has to come from him.

Many of you commented about me using a new username. I created a new user name because my previous user name included information and posts that would possibly make me identifiable. I have shared very intimate feelings and details about my mother, my brother and myself. Besides, aren’t we all posting anonymously??? I guess it makes it much easier to spew nastiness to one another.

Some others mentioned inconsistencies in my story-yet the only inconsistency brought up is that I said I had multiple siblings when I only have one. What difference does it make how many siblings I have?? I really just didn’t want people that may know me to recognize me. My story has never changed-I’ve just had to provide more details at every turn because nobody could believe that it was what is was. I never thought I had to explain why I moved her in and why I think it’s time for her to move out. I’m even having trouble remembering every detail of what was said or done 19 years. That was never what I was asking opinions about.

Some have asked what the impact has been on my children. My children have been raised to be very kind and caring. They love their grandmother and have a wonderful relationship. We’ve always had a little inside joke in our home that “it takes a village” (which we’ve also said to my mother) because we have all been in this together and all pitch in. My husband and I wouldn’t have allowed it any other way.

I think maybe what I haven’t been clear about is that this current situation is not working for her either. She moved in because she was scared and panicked. Afraid to be alone and just panicked. Had we waited a year like someone suggested, we probably would have had a totally different outcome. We never thought 19 years ago that she would ever travel and stay on her own. When she winters, I hear from her once a week-you know why? Because she’s busy-as it should be. One of the underlying reasons why she may be so needy when she’s here is because she’s lonely. She enjoys being around people. Moving her with me does nothing to address this. If she were to move with me, she would have a bedroom to herself and a shared kitchen and living space. She has a girlfriend that visits from out of town a couple of times a year and stays with her. She needs to have her own space to be able to continue to do this. When and if the time comes that she needs to be cared for, that is a completely different story and, of course, I will take care of her-but we’re not there yet. She never would have initiated a move herself due to financial concerns. She doesn’t know that I would have been willing to help her. Plus, I haven’t always been in a situation that I could financially assist her. This is the opportune time.

I did receive from very valuable advice from some of you that I have taken to heart. One of them is to include my mother in the decision process and to have an open adult conversation with her-which is what I intend to do. I just wanted to get some advice and have my ducks in a row beforehand. There are nuances, dynamics and many details that are specific to my situation that I could never list or fully explain in an internet post. Please stop flaming me and assuming the worst about a situation that will I will never be able to fully explain to someone that has had a totally different set of conditions. Sometimes you just have to believe.

Instead of getting defensive and chalking some of the things posted to people flaming you maybe you should take a second look at your posts and see if people are just seeing something that isn't there or if you're not seeing something that is.
If you're going to bring up money and bring up why you don't think you owe your mother for what she put into your house, bring up what your brother was given, what she spends her money on, what she has and hasn't contributed towards while she's been with you, then that is what people are going to think the heart of the issue is. That isn't people thinking the worst, it's basic reading comprehension.

 

[Nancyg56]

I sincerely thank you for posting that. Because over the last few days, this thread has brought me back to a rather dark period in my life and this afternoon I find myself in tears for some reason. So I'm glad it was worth it if you got something out of it. It's not an easy subject for many of us.

]]

I have never changed my user name, and it follows me on just about every site I am on. I seldom post personal things here, but when I do I am in the same place you. I belive that many of the people who have chimed in have done so because they were sharing a very special part of their lives. I too left this thread very blue and very much missing my Mom. Again. Still.

Well it really did. And I completely agree that I should have stopped posting long ago. And not to play the "victim" by any means, but I have really been in a dark place myself these last few days and I just couldn't seem let it go that anyone would think poorly of me. I am letting it go. I wish nothing but the best for you.

The thing is that when you post here you are not just bouncing ideas off of a group of random strangers. You are talking to real people and while we do not know you we have chosen to talk with you, and to share some very difficult parts of our own lives while we are doing so. The truth is that none of us have a dog in your race, but we may see something in your posts that you are much too involves in to see yourself. Are we right? Who knows? I think that rather than getting upset, it may be helpful to think about the feedback and then use it or toss it.

Instead of getting defensive and chalking some of the things posted to people flaming you maybe you should take a second look at your posts and see if people are just seeing something that isn't there or if you're not seeing something that is.
If you're going to bring up money and bring up why you don't think you owe your mother for what she put into your house, bring up what your brother was given, what she spends her money on, what she has and hasn't contributed towards while she's been with you, then that is what people are going to think the heart of the issue is. That isn't people thinking the worst, it's basic reading comprehension.

Exactly.

 

[kimmar067]

I

I think maybe what I haven’t been clear about is that this current situation is not working for her either. She moved in because she was scared and panicked. Afraid to be alone and just panicked. Had we waited a year like someone suggested, we probably would have had a totally different outcome. We never thought 19 years ago that she would ever travel and stay on her own. When she winters, I hear from her once a week-you know why? Because she’s busy-as it should be. One of the underlying reasons why she may be so needy when she’s here is because she’s lonely. She enjoys being around people. Moving her with me does nothing to address this. If she were to move with me, she would have a bedroom to herself and a shared kitchen and living space. She has a girlfriend that visits from out of town a couple of times a year and stays with her. She needs to have her own space to be able to continue to do this. When and if the time comes that she needs to be cared for, that is a completely different story and, of course, I will take care of her-but we’re not there yet. She never would have initiated a move herself due to financial concerns. She doesn’t know that I would have been willing to help her. Plus, I haven’t always been in a situation that I could financially assist her. This is the opportune time.

I did receive from very valuable advice from some of you that I have taken to heart. One of them is to include my mother in the decision process and to have an open adult conversation with her-which is what I intend to do. I just wanted to get some advice and have my ducks in a row beforehand. There are nuances, dynamics and many details that are specific to my situation that I could never list or fully explain in an internet post. Please stop flaming me and assuming the worst about a situation that will I will never be able to fully explain to someone that has had a totally different set of conditions. Sometimes you just have to believe.

....sounds to me like, in your heart of hearts, you know what you must do already......good luck with whatever you decide....

 

[appleplie]

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I have never changed my user name, and it follows me on just about every site I am on. I seldom post personal things here, but when I do I am in the same place you. I belive that many of the people who have chimed in have done so because they were sharing a very special part of their lives. I too left this thread very blue and very much missing my Mom. Again. Still.



The thing is that when you post here you are not just bouncing ideas off of a group of random strangers. You are talking to real people and while we do not know you we have chosen to talk with you, and to share some very difficult parts of our own lives while we are doing so. The truth is that none of us have a dog in your race, but we may see something in your posts that you are much too involves in to see yourself. Are we right? Who knows? I think that rather than getting upset, it may be helpful to think about the feedback and then use it or toss it.



Exactly.

Understood-thank you

 

[disykat]

Now I've seen everything. Appleplie, I'm going to say it again. You haven't done anything wrong. It is not your problem that people seem to have gotten overly invested in your thread and somehow gotten their feelings hurt while jumping all over you. I'm flabbergasted.