Parenting advice

[amberpi]

I would say pay more attention to the kid. He is too young to be left to his own devices where he gets into mischief and is hiding stuff to bother you. He's not even three, how is he doing this repeatedly?

I KNOW! He gets away from us for a couple of minutes, usually when one of is bathing and the other is cooking. But it's awesome you can follow your kids so well. Another failure on my part.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I work with young kids. This sounds to me like an attention-seeking behavior. It doesn't mean you're not paying enough attention to him. It more likely means that he has not yet learned how to seek attention and adult feedback in an appropriate way. He's having a great time watching you run around looking for things and questioning him about where he put them.

To break the behavior, I would start with a short and direct conversation about why it's not OK for him to hide things. "We need to put our things where they belong. It is not OK for you to hide other people's things. You need to stop doing that." Don't tell him you think it's cute or funny. Just let him know that it cannot happen anymore. Of course, he will do it again to test how serious you are. Don't react with a lot of conversation. Try to stay very calm. Just tell him he needs to go get the object and bring it to you. If he refuses, tell him there will be a consequence ("You need to get it right now or you will lose your TV time tonight"). If he still refuses, impose the consequence (and definitely follow through). If you really need to find the object, don't let him see you frantically looking for it. Have him go to another room while you're looking. This might happen a few times before he decides it's no longer fun to hide things. The key is to be very consistent, use very few words when speaking to him about it and always follow through with any consequence you imposed.

 

[Sabeking]

I work with young kids. This sounds to me like an attention-seeking behavior. It doesn't mean you're not paying enough attention to him. It more likely means that he has not yet learned how to seek attention and adult feedback in an appropriate way. He's having a great time watching you run around looking for things and questioning him about where he put them.

To break the behavior, I would start with a short and direct conversation about why it's not OK for him to hide things. "We need to put our things where they belong. It is not OK for you to hide other people's things. You need to stop doing that." Don't tell him you think it's cute or funny. Just let him know that it cannot happen anymore. Of course, he will do it again to test how serious you are. Don't react with a lot of conversation. Try to stay very calm. Just tell him he needs to go get the object and bring it to you. If he refuses, tell him there will be a consequence ("You need to get it right now or you will lose your TV time tonight"). If he still refuses, impose the consequence (and definitely follow through). If you really need to find the object, don't let him see you frantically looking for it. Have him go to another room while you're looking. This might happen a few times before he decides it's no longer fun to hide things. The key is to be very consistent, use very few words when speaking to him about it and always follow through with any consequence you imposed.

Great answer! As a parent that would be cute for about five minutes as a preschool teacher of 3’s with a full class probably less. Matter of fact and nonemotional.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Good idea. We'll try this tonight in fact. He thinks its a riot! The other day the kid hid the pants I had JUST ironed to go to the pumpkin patch - he's an equal opportunity hider, and does it when no one is looking. The little, darling, sneak!

Welcome to parenting!


As other have pointed out, this is pretty normal behaviour, and is often linked to wanting tofeel some control----kids have so little that they get to control about their lives, so they find creative ways to get some. Your little stepson is probably feeling particularly vulnerable right now coping with a whole new person and parent figure in his life-----especally given how quickly your relationship with his dad moved.
He's being bounced from house to house (mom's and dad's) and has a new parenting figure in one, etc---that is a LOT for a 3 year old---so he seems to be handling it partly by exerting his own power where he can---forcing the adults to change their schedules (looking for things instead of leaving when they want to, paying attention to somehting about him instead of focusing on each other, etc for example), etc.
He's probably not aware of why he does these things, but if you understand where the motivation comes from, it can help you work with him.
Add in an attention seeking compenent, as noted by a PP, and you see where much of this come from.

I agree with those who suggest playing hiding game with him----pick a toy or item and ask him to hide it for you to find. Set up treasure hunts, etc----YOU initiate playing with him before he gets bored and initiates it (he must be left on his own fairly long to have time to get items and hide them that well with none of you having any idea where to look).

I also think it is really important to give him ways he can control his life, that are age appropriate and will help him cope (and build skills!). One great example would be getting dressed for the pumpkin patch. So long as the clothes are weather appropriate let him choose something--it's a pumpkin patch; he does not need to be dressed like minature ken doll---and if your mother in law complains, just tell her he choose his outift and is comfortable and let it go.

Or, you recently asked about where to buy his clothes---take him with zou and let him choose within the budget. Go up to a rack at Target and ask him which of the shirts he likes best,and get that one. (on the flip side, too much change all at once can also be really hard---I am curious why you don't just ask your husband and the children's mom where they have been buying clothes?).

Honestly, it is easy to get caught up in worrying about LOOKING like a good mom, especially if your mother in law is pressuring you---but if your concern is about are his clothes comfotable and weather appropriate and does he feel emotionally safe and loved rather than are his clothes wrinkle free and catalog cute enough and is he not slowing us down, you will be a much better parent.

Also----ask the kids' mom for adivce! (and dad---but I assume you've already done that). She knows her kids. She might have strategies that are working (and if not, if you two come up with some together and are consistent in both homes, yay, that is helpful to the kids too). Or ask Grandma---maybe if you quit trying to be perfect from day one and admit this is not easy and ask for her ideas, she'll be less critical and more helpul (and be sure you are not faslely assuming she is critical if she offers advice---maybe she is just experienced and trying to help both you and her grandkids)

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I can understand how this might bet pretty inconvenient, but that is really quite hilarious.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I KNOW! He gets away from us for a couple of minutes, usually when one of is bathing and the other is cooking. But it's awesome you can follow your kids so well. Another failure on my part.

You know I like you so don’t take this the wrong way, but parents all around the world multitask everyday. Do they get away every once in a while, sure! Is it a regular thing? No. Keep him in the kitchen while you cook, let him help or have him color at the table. Same with bathing... There are two of you. A 1:1 ratio of parent/child is about as good as it gets as far as supervision goes.

 

[mjkacmom]

Great answer! As a parent that would be cute for about five minutes as a preschool teacher of 3’s with a full class probably less. Matter of fact and nonemotional.

Exactly what I was thinking! It sounds like he is looking for attention, positive or negative. This is what kids seem to pull with babysitters (my teen daughters come home with stories that remind me of my babysitting days). They see how far they can push it. In this situation, I’d withhold attention, but make it known the object needs to reappear, or else there would be a consequence. I do like the idea of a hiding game, instigated by you, on your time, with rules.

 

[Skywalker]

I was seeing my MIL for brunch and pumpkin patch, and she's super critical so yep, I sure did iron his clothes and made sure my DH had extra starch. Anything that is above reproach is worth the effort...usually. I make enough mistakes as it is despite trying my absolute hardest

Well, your post specifically said you were ironing his pants to go to the pumpkin patch...now it's that you were meeting snooty MIL for brunch which is entirely different scenario lol. By the way, with people like that who are going to be critical of you? Trying too hard rarely works well either.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Have you considered daily beatings?

 

[DLgal]

Be very careful about inadvertently rewarding this type of behavior (laughing at it) or attributing it to being "smart." This behavior is neither worthy of encouragement nor a reflection of intelligence. This is controlling, manipulative behavior. Toddlers are more than capable of this type of thing (even though they aren't aware of it themselves). A toddler who is indulged and allowed to keep doing things like this will turn into a child who does it, a teenager who does it, and an adult who does it. Nip it in the bud, pronto.

The kid likes playing hiding games, so buy (or make up) a hiding game. My son liked to hide things, so we bought little trinkets like wooden fish, plastic rings, plastic animals...whatever, and played a game where he would hide them and I would look for them, then we would switch. Actively play with him using this type of game, as he clearly delights in the "game" aspect of someone looking for things he has hidden and by actively engaging with him in this way, you are giving him attention that he needs, so he will be less likely to seek it by misbehaving.

At the same time, he is not too young to understand that he should NOT be hiding clothing, his sister's toys, or anyone else's belongings without their consent. Teach him that is NOT okay and discipline him accordingly for every instance. It might also be worth asking the boy's mother if he plays this game in her home as well, and if so, ask her how she handles it. This is one of those things where both sets of parents need to be on the same page, or it will only get worse.

 

[amberpi]

I would tell him to knock it off.

Welcome to parenting!

I agree with those who suggest playing hiding game with him----pick a toy or item and ask him to hide it for you to find. Set up treasure hunts, etc----YOU initiate playing with him before he gets bored and initiates it (he must be left on his own fairly long to have time to get items and hide them that well with none of you having any idea where to look).

I also think it is really important to give him ways he can control his life, that are age appropriate and will help him cope (and build skills!). One great example would be getting dressed for the pumpkin patch. So long as the clothes are weather appropriate let him choose something--it's a pumpkin patch; he does not need to be dressed like minute ken doll---and if your mother in law complains, just tell her he choose his outift and is comfortable and let it go.

Honestly, it is easy to get caught up in worrying about looking like a good mom, especially if your mother in law is pressuring you---but if your concern is about are his clothes comfotable and weather appropriate and does he feel emotionally safe and loved rather than are his clothes wrinkle free and catalog cute enough and is he not slowing us down, you will be a much better parent.

Also----ask the kids' mom for adivce! (and dad---but I assume you've already done that). She knows her kids/QUOTE]

Both is great advice, I'm over indulgent outside of table manners, and his clothes and I DO need to relax especially around the in laws. Unfortnately, their bio mom isn't a great resource

 

[amberpi]

I can understand how this might bet pretty inconvenient, but that is really quite hilarious.

Have you considered daily beatings?

The whole thing is funny...really.

If only beatings worked!!!

 

[ronandannette]

Have you considered daily beatings?

Or maybe throwing rocks at him? Nah, nevermind. That's a terrible idea...

 

[Marchand63]

Anyone have/had a toddler who hides things? The boy (almost 3) and the smartest kid I've ever been around, LOVES to hide stuff. His sister's ballet clothes, shoes in a largely unused kitchen cabinet, a good hoodie under the rug...the list goes on and on. He thinks it's hysterical. We wouldn't mind quite so much but we're supposed to return the kid's belongings to their mom. Kinda hard to do when you're not looking for a leotard behind the kid's toilet. Anyone gone through this? He thinks it's SO funny, and he is really funny, but sometimes the kid needs his jacket and we need to return his mother her things. TIA. They are great kids, but man, this one is wearing us out.

OMG I can't tell you how many times we looked for car keys Seemed to be fave thing to hide. Finally I made about 10 sets of keys and I played the hiding game

 

[NHdisneylover]

A couple of other thoughts to make everzthing smoother in general>


I assume the kids have full wardrobes at both houses and are not living out of suitcases---if not, that obviously needs to happen. The stuff that needs to travel with them, for the most part, would be the stuff that travels with kids often anyway (backpacks, coats, shoes>)---thinngs generally kept in the entry for easy retrieval in any home. Plus maybe the outfits they arrived in, if the parents cannot put aside their differences enough to cope with clothes moving about--in which case hopefully there can be a tote bag for that which gets refilled as soon as those clothes are washed and stays near the door or in some other easy to find place. Basically---make it as easy as possible to switch between homes--it'S stressful enough without the kids being part of going over a check list of things they might need.
For ballet class---honestly, do all of yourselves a favour and buy a second leotard adn pair of shoes and leave one set at each house. Your posts do not leave the impression that this is going to break the bank (especially at young ages, before the shoes start to cost in the triple digits). It'S a little thing which will hopefully relive stress all around: the more the kids feel anchored in both homes, rather than just constatnly adrift between the two, the better.

. Unfortnately, their bio mom isn't a great resource

And this is getting way off topic, but I always feel compelled to say somehting when I feel children are being harmed by the adults in their lives, so here goes:
"bio mom" is generally ONLY used in two cases:

1. The children are adopted and the biological mother is not the caregiver/nurturer in their lives
2. The bilogical mother was abusive/neglectful and has lost custody of the children (meaning she is not a caregiver or nurtere either, but more sinsister as she actually harmed them and had to have her rights severed).

Yet, I keep seeing you use the term for the actual, has shared custody, mother of your step children. You probably do not realize how negative this sounds, or how hurtful it will be for your step children to pick up on that tone (even if you do not use the same word when speaking to them or in their hearing---and I really hope you do not. I assume you say "your mom will be here soon" not "your biomom will be here soon).
You might not like this woman, and your husband might not either---BUT when you CHOSE to marry the father of her children, you also chose to be linked to her through those children and the very least you owe her AND those kids is to be repsectful of who she is to them. (if she is abusive, etc--that is different, but in that case you shouldn't be worrying any of the thigns you have been worrying baout and should be focused on legal issues getting the children to safety, so I am going to go out on a limb and assume the children are safe in both her home and yours).

You do not need to (nor should you) dismiss her value to the kids in order to have value of your own----trust me, kids have lots of love to give and need all the support they can get---their hearts can love you both plenty.

 

[amberpi]

A couple of other thoughts to make everzthing smoother in general>


I assume the kids have full wardrobes at both houses and are not living out of suitcases---if not, that obviously needs to happen. The stuff that needs to travel with them, for the most part, would be the stuff that travels with kids often anyway (backpacks, coats, shoes>)---thinngs generally kept in the entry for easy retrieval in any home. Plus maybe the outfits they arrived in, if the parents cannot put aside their differences enough to cope with clothes moving about--in which case hopefully there can be a tote bag for that which gets refilled as soon as those clothes are washed and stays near the door or in some other easy to find place. Basically---make it as easy as possible to switch between homes--it'S stressful enough without the kids being part of going over a check list of things they might need.
For ballet class---honestly, do all of yourselves a favour and buy a second leotard adn pair of shoes and leave one set at each house. Your posts do not leave the impression that this is going to break the bank (especially at young ages, before the shoes start to cost in the triple digits). It'S a little thing which will hopefully relive stress all around: the more the kids feel anchored in both homes, rather than just constatnly adrift between the two, the better.



And this is getting way off topic, but I always feel compelled to say somehting when I feel children are being harmed by the adults in their lives, so here goes:
"bio mom" is generally ONLY used in two cases:

1. The children are adopted and the biological mother is not the caregiver/nurturer in their lives
2. The bilogical mother was abusive/neglectful and has lost custody of the children (meaning she is not a caregiver or nurtere either, but more sinsister as she actually harmed them and had to have her rights severed).

Yet, I keep seeing you use the term for the actual, has shared custody, mother of your step children. You probably do not realize how negative this sounds, or how hurtful it will be for your step children to pick up on that tone (even if you do not use the same word when speaking to them or in their hearing---and I really hope you do not. I assume you say "your mom will be here soon" not "your biomom will be here soon).
You might not like this woman, and your husband might not either---BUT when you CHOSE to marry the father of her children, you also chose to be linked to her through those children and the very least you owe her AND those kids is to be repsectful of who she is to them. (if she is abusive, etc--that is different, but in that case you shouldn't be worrying any of the thigns you have been worrying baout and should be focused on legal issues getting the children to safety, so I am going to go out on a limb and assume the children are safe in both her home and yours).

You do not need to (nor should you) dismiss her value to the kids in order to have value of your own----trust me, kids have lots of love to give and need all the support they can get---their hearts can love you both plenty.

Yep - the kids have a full wardrobe here, and at their mother's house. And we both have ballet clothes a plenty based on what I've seen. We are supposed to deliver the clothes laundered that they come and go in, and that's only a problem (although it requires a a bit of work due to how often we exchange the kids) when the boy gets in his backpack and plays hide and seek...which we did night before last based on the suggestions here, so thanks ya'll!

I did not realize bio mom was seen in such an ugly way. I just say "mommy" around the kids to refer to her, but use bio mom frequently so now I'm a bit ashamed. I knew better than to use baby mama, but to me bio mom was just that, the kids biological mother. It felt like the right thing as it's such a technical term, but I also don't want to be a crap person, ya know? Thanks for explaining it in such a polite way. It's an easy thing to change in my vocab.

 

[amberpi]

You know I like you so don’t take this the wrong way, but parents all around the world multitask everyday. Do they get away every once in a while, sure! Is it a regular thing? No. Keep him in the kitchen while you cook, let him help or have him color at the table. Same with bathing... There are two of you. A 1:1 ratio of parent/child is about as good as it gets as far as supervision goes.

It's mostly morning that he seems to do this, and that's of course, also our craziest time; I'm going to try to wrangle him to the dining room (open to the kitchen) table this morning and see how it goes. I've not got all the right answers, but I'm trying so hard to improve.

 

[morgan98]

Yep - the kids have a full wardrobe here, and at their mother's house. And we both have ballet clothes a plenty based on what I've seen. We are supposed to deliver the clothes laundered that they come and go in, and that's only a problem (although it requires a a bit of work due to how often we exchange the kids) when the boy gets in his backpack and plays hide and seek...which we did night before last based on the suggestions here, so thanks ya'll!

I did not realize bio mom was seen in such an ugly way. I just say "mommy" around the kids to refer to her, but use bio mom frequently so now I'm a bit ashamed. I knew better than to use baby mama, but to me bio mom was just that, the kids biological mother. It felt like the right thing as it's such a technical term, but I also don't want to be a crap person, ya know? Thanks for explaining it in such a polite way. It's an easy thing to change in my vocab.

I am not trying to pile on, but I think referring to her just as their mother is perfect. I mean she is their mother, by every definition of the word.

I mean I have a step mother (although not until later in life) and never has ANYONE referred to my mother as anyone but by mother.

 

[amberpi]

I am not trying to pile on, but I think referring to her just as their mother is perfect. I mean she is there mother, by every definition of the word.

I mean I have a step mother (although not until later in life) and never has ANYONE referred to my mother as anyone but by mother.

I'm hearing you guys. I wasn't trying to be ugly, just precise, and also, not pretend to be the kids mom. I'm learning as I go here.

Also, @NHdisneylover - that was a lot of good advice. Thank you for the detailed response. I've been rolling your thoughts around in my head.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I've been reading this thread off and on for the last couple of days, but haven't had a lot of advice to offer since that was never a problem I had to deal with with my own kids. The responses have been interesting. Of course no two parents will ever deal with any one thing in the exact same way, so you have to find your own way. It must be difficult coming into parenting as a step parent without ever having kids before, so I can feel for you.

The way I often approached things with my kids was to teach them empathy - how they would feel if they were put into a position such as the one they were putting me or someone else in. So if they hid something important to me at a hectic time, such as when we're trying to leave the house, I probably would've done the same thing to something they value so they could understand the feelings associated with not being able to find it. Certainly not in a cruel way. But approaching it at it as a teachable moment for them. Then we'd work it through, even if I had to delay where I was going, because it's that important. I wouldn't consider it a fun thing for my child to do, at all. We'd have fun in other ways. A lot of a parent's job is teaching. It takes time, and sometimes a lot more time than reacting. Admittedly hard to do, especially in a shared parenting situation, but it's something you can work on, and strive for.

If there's any way you can connect with their Mom for the good of all of you, for family harmony, it might behoove you to do so, so at least you're all on a similar page. If that's not possible, then you can establish your own routines in your own household. Always act with love and kindness as the most prevalent emotions you have toward the kids. I know it's easier said than done sometimes, but as the adult, try to keep that at the forefront of your mind. The rest will fall into place. You are still on a learning curve. But the kids are still very young so there is time to establish your own relationships with them that work well for all of you. I do agree with the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So it does mean keeping them in your view as much as possible at these young ages and guiding them to act the way you'd like them to act by your interactions with them and modeling your own behavior. Remember it must be pretty confusing for them at times to have two separate households so the more routines you have may actually be comforting to them. Kids like routines as they know what to expect and it helps them feel in control.