Tell me everything you know about ADHD!

[Lilacs4Me]

Also, does anybody's ADHD child complain of frequent headaches?

Again, it's a gray area for us because DS11 is under Neuro care for migraines and DN11 sees him get what I guess could be considered "special treatment" when a migraine is coming on. We have been through enough of them to believe DS11 and immediately get him Excedrin and a small glass of coke or mountain dew, and have him lay down in our bedroom with the fan on and the blinds and door closed. If this means he needs to skip Lacrosse practice or homework or doing the dishes on his night, then so be it. If he doesn't take care of the migraine right away, it triggers nausea and vomiting, which triggers his rumination syndrome disorder, which will cause more vomiting and make him miss school, etc....it's a vicious circle that we know how to jump into action and take care of immediately, but to DN11 it looks like DS11 is getting all the attention, so he has started saying he has headaches too.

I want to believe him if he's not feeling good! But you can tell they are not the same. DS's whole personality changes when a migraine is coming on - you can see it. But DN11 goes down to the nurses office at least weekly saying he has a headache and now they want us to take him to get checked out, sigh. But maybe I am missing something and frequent headaches are common in ADHD kids?

 

[katie01]

Also, does anybody's ADHD child complain of frequent headaches?

Again, it's a gray area for us because DS11 is under Neuro care for migraines and DN11 sees him get what I guess could be considered "special treatment" when a migraine is coming on. We have been through enough of them to believe DS11 and immediately get him Excedrin and a small glass of coke or mountain dew, and have him lay down in our bedroom with the fan on and the blinds and door closed. If this means he needs to skip Lacrosse practice or homework or doing the dishes on his night, then so be it. If he doesn't take care of the migraine right away, it triggers nausea and vomiting, which triggers his rumination syndrome disorder, which will cause more vomiting and make him miss school, etc....it's a vicious circle that we know how to jump into action and take care of immediately, but to DN11 it looks like DS11 is getting all the attention, so he has started saying he has headaches too.

I want to believe him if he's not feeling good! But you can tell they are not the same. DS's whole personality changes when a migraine is coming on - you can see it. But DN11 goes down to the nurses office at least weekly saying he has a headache and now they want us to take him to get checked out, sigh. But maybe I am missing something and frequent headaches are common in ADHD kids?

My DD has not had a lot of headaches, but does get them occasionally. Sometimes it can be a side effect of the ADD meds, but you said DN is not on meds?

I know what you are saying about an attention thing. In addition to ADD (if that's what DN has), you are also dealing with adoption issues and attachment. My DD is also adopted, so I have experience with that as well, and of course it complicates things when there is sibling rivalry, and not just garden variety sibling rivalry, but that between kids who were adopted, and those who are the biological children. So you've also got multiple layers going on here, and it is going to be tough to distinguish some of these things. I don't have all the answers either, because I also have trouble with these things. Our DD with ADD this year finally admitted to trying to purposely ruin her siblings' birthdays, because she was jealous (even though we make just as big of a deal about her birthday of course, and gift equally!). The fact that she could admit it was huge, and now we can have an honest discussion about it when we see that jealousy. I would say right now, your DN may just need some extra attention. Maybe focus on positive bonding activities, like family game nights, or things like that, and eventually the need for attention in negative ways *may* decrease. Or if you think he's faking a headache, say, "Oh no! Really? We were going to do x tonight (something you think he'd like to do), I hope it's not a bad headache!"

 

[katie01]

Thank you for writing all this out! I am learning that ADHD is so much more than a kid being overly active and not sitting still. So many of the things you described are what we are seeing with DN11. The repetition of telling him things we have told him over and over, the seemingly lack of ability to form habits like "first you wash your face, then brush your, teeth, get dressed, and come down for breakfast" Every day seems like a brand new world to him sometimes, but then again, my two boys act like that sometimes too until I tell them to knock it off! lol And the oldest is 17!

It's interesting have two 11 year old boys in the house at the same time. DS11 is neurotypical and healthy, although he gets migraines and had some gastro issues most of last year, plus we have a sneaking suspicion he has some level of anxiety issues that get in the way of him completing the task at hand sometimes. But he is a decent student and controls himself, whereas DN11 also wants to be a decent student but has these seemingly self-control problems that get him into trouble. DS11 and he share 3 classes during the day and I think having DS there "policing" him helps in those classes, although I have made it CLEAR with both of them that neither are responsible for each other's behavior and they both need to mind their own business! DS11 tries to get DN11 to behave, and DN loves to come home and tattle on DS for not getting his work done. At least they are acting like real brothers already! lol

DN11 does really seem like he WANTS to behave and do the right thing, I have no doubt about that! He is really a nice boy and respectful and agreeable to the rules when he remembers. It's weird, the kind of holes he has in his social awareness. He was taught to jump to attention and agree "yes, ma'am", "OK", "sure, right away", but then at the same time, he wasn't taught table manners or a whole lot of personal hygiene or how to take care of himself. He's been catered to in a weird way because most of his caretakers were grandmother-types who made sure he ate everything on his plate whether he liked it or not, and bathed, and made his bed, and went to bed at 8pm, etc. But they have always TOLD him what to do, what to wear, what to think instead of letting him make decisions on his own, so he is really immature in those ways. I am left wondering what came first in the old chicken vs. egg story - did the ADHD affect his upbringing or did the lack of teaching him self-control and responsibility exacerbate symptoms that mimic or worsen the ADHD? Probably a combination of both, IMO, but it leaves me confused as to how to handle the discipline part of it. It's a circle that I go round and round with every day! Because like I said, I don't want to expect or force him or punish him into doing something his brain simply isn't wired to do, but at the same time I feel we will be remiss in just accommodating all these things for him if it's within his ability to control all, some, or at least a little bit of it. I guess it's just another one of those parenting dilemmas and an exercise in experimentation.

Therapy is definitely in the works, and a support group to learn more about this is a great idea! I know that I can patiently remind him of his daily tasks until I am blue in the face if needed, I can, but at some point he will have to start taking responsibility for his actions and life, and that scares me right now! Time has gone by so fast since DS17 was in 6th grade and now he is graduating in the spring and going off to college. I tease him all the time that I will need to move there with him because he cannot even make himself a sandwich lol, but of course I am teasing and I know he will be perfectly fine on his own, but I don't see DN11 even close to getting to that point if he stays on the track he is on. I don't want him to struggle in life! And I feel this big urgency since we are entering into this when he is already becoming an adolescent and missed those opportunities for help he could have had growing up if we had gotten him sooner

Thanks again! I'm printing your message out to show DH if you don't mind!

I don't mind at all if you print it out!

I found myself nodding my head vigorously with all you just wrote! This is sooooo familiar. What you say about the holes in social awareness are so very typical of my DD as well. For instance, she loves fashion and beauty, but she also struggles with basic hygiene at times. I could never understand why she'd throw a tantrum over a shirt not being the "right" style, but couldn't care less if she hadn't showered or brushed her teeth, and with the potential to disturb her peers with bad breath/bad hygiene!

She also so desperately wants to make friends, but failed to connect certain behaviors with the reason some kids stopped being her friend. Even when they were pointed out to her...she "got it" at the time, but then down the road did the same thing with the same consequences of lost friendships! And was truly devastated, crying and saying, "But I said I was sorry!", not realizing that for many kids, you don't get a second chance at friendship when you hurt their feelings, or do something they deem "weird".

And table manners! Yes! This is something I wanted to say as a comparison between my neurotypical kids (NT) and DD with ADD. When all of them were toddlers, of course they didn't have excellent table manners. But the NT kids picked it up pretty quickly. As soon as they had the fine motor skills to use silverware, they were doing it. Sure, I may have to still sometimes remind them at ages 16 and 10 to not talk with their mouths full, or things like that, but overall they could eat in any restaurant and not get dirty looks. WHole different ball game with our DD with ADD. At 13, even after years and years and YEARS of constant cueing, she does things at the dinner table our other kids never would have thought of doing! Like picking a hamburger into pieces, or licking a slice of pizza, or wiping yogurt on her hands and eating it off her hands. Her siblings sometimes can't even eat in the same room with her. No matter how many times we have said, "That is not appropriate dinner etiquette", or issued consequences like having her eat in a separate room (I don't want to "shun" her and do this too often, there are times when she may respond to the correction in manners and improve, but other times where it sets her off and she purposely escalates the bad manners and smirks while doing it, and those are times she just needs to go in another room and think about appropriate manners until she can rejoin the family).

So to answer your questions about what came first, the chicken or the egg, in terms of DN's family trying to control a lot of his behaviors? I suspect that the ADD came first. I am sure our family members may look at us and get annoyed or judge if I say to my 13 year old before we go into a store (thinking she is old enough to know better!), that "there are going to be fragile things in here, so I want you to stay near me and not touch anything". Now some of that is getting better as she gets older, but years of experience had already taught me that she *would* touch everything, and *does* break things.

Your question about what to let slide and what not is also an excellent one, and one I ask myself often too. It's always a work in progress. You will figure it out, and just when you figure it out, there will be a new challenge To give an example of that, there are times when DD has tried to use ADD as an excuse too. Whining and not wanting to do homework, saying, "It's not fair! It's too hard! Why is it easier for x and y!" (brother and sister). I stop the whining and say, "Yes, you have ADD, many things are going to be harder. I understand. But do you see x and y doing there homework? Studying for tests? Yes! THey do! They have to work at it too. If they don't study, they won't pass either. You are perfectly capable of doing this work (then I point out the testing she had this summer, and how the doctor said she is capable of grade level work). You don't have to get an A, but you are capable of As! All I ask is you do your best". And it is paying off. Her grades are improving this year, and she's at a new school where her teachers are striking just the right balance between modifying the work, and also not letting her get away with not doing the work! Her social studies teacher is reading her tests out loud to her, because DD struggles to coordinate the fine motor of writing with trying to reason out the answers. Her math teacher is modifying the math work so she still has to DO the work, but it may be fewer problems than the other kids. And let me tell you, it makes a huge difference. Last year she attended a school that was "old school" and didn't believe in accomodations, and she nearly failed. (Her previous school was Catholic, her current one is too, but is "with" the modern times and believes in accomodations). Some might feel that "well, she's not going to have modifications in real life, just let her fail". At one time I may have wondered too if modifications weren't "realistic", but I have since learned that the academic and social skills of the child with ADHD are usually several years behind other kids. So she may get up to speed by the time she's in the real world. Or maybe she never quite will be the same, but crushing her confidence and letting her fail year after year won't help either. She would probably be added to the ranks of the high number of kids with ADHD who drop out of school. I just want to keep her self esteem up so she finishes school, and learns everything she can. I don't envision a traditional path for her necessarily, but I do envision success! It may just look different than other people's definition, and that's ok

 

[frostedpink]

I don't mind at all if you print it out!

I found myself nodding my head vigorously with all you just wrote! This is sooooo familiar. What you say about the holes in social awareness are so very typical of my DD as well. For instance, she loves fashion and beauty, but she also struggles with basic hygiene at times. I could never understand why she'd throw a tantrum over a shirt not being the "right" style, but couldn't care less if she hadn't showered or brushed her teeth, and with the potential to disturb her peers with bad breath/bad hygiene!

She also so desperately wants to make friends, but failed to connect certain behaviors with the reason some kids stopped being her friend. Even when they were pointed out to her...she "got it" at the time, but then down the road did the same thing with the same consequences of lost friendships! And was truly devastated, crying and saying, "But I said I was sorry!", not realizing that for many kids, you don't get a second chance at friendship when you hurt their feelings, or do something they deem "weird".

And table manners! Yes! This is something I wanted to say as a comparison between my neurotypical kids (NT) and DD with ADD. When all of them were toddlers, of course they didn't have excellent table manners. But the NT kids picked it up pretty quickly. As soon as they had the fine motor skills to use silverware, they were doing it. Sure, I may have to still sometimes remind them at ages 16 and 10 to not talk with their mouths full, or things like that, but overall they could eat in any restaurant and not get dirty looks. WHole different ball game with our DD with ADD. At 13, even after years and years and YEARS of constant cueing, she does things at the dinner table our other kids never would have thought of doing! Like picking a hamburger into pieces, or licking a slice of pizza, or wiping yogurt on her hands and eating it off her hands. Her siblings sometimes can't even eat in the same room with her. No matter how many times we have said, "That is not appropriate dinner etiquette", or issued consequences like having her eat in a separate room (I don't want to "shun" her and do this too often, there are times when she may respond to the correction in manners and improve, but other times where it sets her off and she purposely escalates the bad manners and smirks while doing it, and those are times she just needs to go in another room and think about appropriate manners until she can rejoin the family).

So to answer your questions about what came first, the chicken or the egg, in terms of DN's family trying to control a lot of his behaviors? I suspect that the ADD came first. I am sure our family members may look at us and get annoyed or judge if I say to my 13 year old before we go into a store (thinking she is old enough to know better!), that "there are going to be fragile things in here, so I want you to stay near me and not touch anything". Now some of that is getting better as she gets older, but years of experience had already taught me that she *would* touch everything, and *does* break things.

Your question about what to let slide and what not is also an excellent one, and one I ask myself often too. It's always a work in progress. You will figure it out, and just when you figure it out, there will be a new challenge To give an example of that, there are times when DD has tried to use ADD as an excuse too. Whining and not wanting to do homework, saying, "It's not fair! It's too hard! Why is it easier for x and y!" (brother and sister). I stop the whining and say, "Yes, you have ADD, many things are going to be harder. I understand. But do you see x and y doing there homework? Studying for tests? Yes! THey do! They have to work at it too. If they don't study, they won't pass either. You are perfectly capable of doing this work (then I point out the testing she had this summer, and how the doctor said she is capable of grade level work). You don't have to get an A, but you are capable of As! All I ask is you do your best". And it is paying off. Her grades are improving this year, and she's at a new school where her teachers are striking just the right balance between modifying the work, and also not letting her get away with not doing the work! Her social studies teacher is reading her tests out loud to her, because DD struggles to coordinate the fine motor of writing with trying to reason out the answers. Her math teacher is modifying the math work so she still has to DO the work, but it may be fewer problems than the other kids. And let me tell you, it makes a huge difference. Last year she attended a school that was "old school" and didn't believe in accomodations, and she nearly failed. (Her previous school was Catholic, her current one is too, but is "with" the modern times and believes in accomodations). Some might feel that "well, she's not going to have modifications in real life, just let her fail". At one time I may have wondered too if modifications weren't "realistic", but I have since learned that the academic and social skills of the child with ADHD are usually several years behind other kids. So she may get up to speed by the time she's in the real world. Or maybe she never quite will be the same, but crushing her confidence and letting her fail year after year won't help either. She would probably be added to the ranks of the high number of kids with ADHD who drop out of school. I just want to keep her self esteem up so she finishes school, and learns everything she can. I don't envision a traditional path for her necessarily, but I do envision success! It may just look different than other people's definition, and that's ok

My DD is 8 and has ADHD. A couple of questions for you, if you don’t mind. Can you give examples of things your DD said or did that resulted in losing a friend? I’m very nervous about this for the future.

Secondly, what is the online support group that you are a part of if you don’t mind sharing?

 

[katie01]

My DD is 8 and has ADHD. A couple of questions for you, if you don’t mind. Can you give examples of things your DD said or did that resulted in losing a friend? I’m very nervous about this for the future.

Secondly, what is the online support group that you are a part of if you don’t mind sharing?

Sure, I don't mind. Examples of things DD said and did to lose friends would be constantly interrupting people. She does it at home all the time, that's one of those behaviors that we haven't been able to correct or mold. We've pointed out that it is frustrating for another person to not be able to finish talking, that it's rude, that people get tired of it...we've said it all, and she still interrupts, daily, and often. She also comes off as being ditzy and asking odd or nonsense seeming questions. We all ask silly questions from time to time, but again, this is a daily thing. The other week it was 10:00 am, and she said, "Usually the sun rises by this time of day, why didn't it today?" It had risen, it was cloudy out. Most 13 year old understand the difference between the sun not having risen in the sky, and it being a cloudy day. She will ask if it's raining, when it's clearly raining, and we are outside getting wet. Tonight she asked when Christmas break was, which maybe isn't that silly, she probably meant what date does it start. I am trying to think of other examples, but I have heard her ask these sorts of questions and worse around peers and they get annoyed and roll their eyes. That is probably not something she can help. When she was younger, she occasionally made comments about a friend's looks or weight that came off as hurtful, and she truly did not mean it that way, but obviously, it will turn kids off. Before she took medicine for ADD, and now when it wears off, she will often act almost drunk....losing her balance, laughing at things that aren't funny, and when people tell her to knock it off, she doesn't stop. A NT kid would usually be upset and embarrased and stop if their friends said they were acting annoying, but it's like she can't or won't stop. Then regrets it later but in the moment feels like she can't control it. I videotaped her once with her knowledge, when I was trying to help her study, and she was horrified at how she was acting when she watched the video, it's like all those times we told her to stop acting silly she didn't have a clue what we were talking about.

The best online groups I found were through FB, you can google ADHD on Facebook and get a list of different ones for different ages or stages. Most you have to ask to join, as they are set to private.

I hope that helps, good luck with your DD!

 

[frostedpink]

That is very helpful, thank you! I’m so worried for the future. She is definitely less mature than some of her friends. I ask her lots of questions like who does she play with at recess, if so and so was nice to her, etc. It drives DH crazy but I can’t help it. I try to dig and find out how things are going.

 

[frostedpink]

And the more I read and learn about ADHD the more depressed I feel. It seems like such a life sentence that affects everything in their life

 

[katie01]

That is very helpful, thank you! I’m so worried for the future. She is definitely less mature than some of her friends. I ask her lots of questions like who does she play with at recess, if so and so was nice to her, etc. It drives DH crazy but I can’t help it. I try to dig and find out how things are going.

I understand your concerns. My DD did the best socially at a school where she had a small group of friends who all had ADHD too! But that was the school that was horrible for her academically. And even there, she was not necessarily treated the best by the other girls who had ADHD, so she seems to struggle socially even more than her peers with the same condition. Hard to say why, maybe because of her additional learning challenges. As I said, my son has some friends with ADHD and they don't seem to lack for friends either. Your DD may do just fine, try to take one day at a time and not worry about what might happen, hang in there

 

[katie01]

And the more I read and learn about ADHD the more depressed I feel. It seems like such a life sentence that affects everything in their life

It is scary to think about the future, but I'm sure there are adults here on the Dis who have ADHD, maybe they can chime in with words of advice or reassurance on how they managed in adulthood

 

[LSUmiss]

ADHD has indeed been around a very long time. Back in my father's day he was just labeled a bad kid. When my brother was struggling and was then diagnosed my dad looked at the doctor and said, that was me, I went through this too, nobody knew there was a reason for it. Even at the time my brother was diagnosed the basic answer was Ritalin. My mother had a very hard time accepting that meds would be ultimately better than simply struggling and missing out on education and social potential. Sadly Ritalin made my brother's issues ten times worse. If you're familiar with a child with serious ADHD issues imagine compounding it by the power of ten. He was very fortunate that it was just at the cusp of the development of some other meds by the time my mother was ready to accept medication treatment -- and that the second med worked for him for a period of two to three years, and that by that time there were more options to move to when the initial success of that med wore off. Consistent monitoring and counseling should always be a part of any treatment involving psychotropic meds.

I notice all of the references in this thread seem to be of ADHD, none of ADD, which also involves attention deficits. It involves the same struggles of staying focused on task, without some of the challenging behavior tendencies that are wrapped up in the hyperactivity component.

Unfortunately some people still do say there's no such thing as autism, it's just an invention of parents and doctors. I hope none of these people have an autistic child, because the kids deserve better.

It’s probably b/c ADD is no longer a diagnosis. There are now different classifications of ADHD...hyperactive type, inattentive type (which is the old ADD) & combined type.

 

[dotfurio]

My 15y/o DD has ADD (or inattentive ADHD I suppose). She was diagnosed in late 2nd grade by a pediatric pschologist outside of school. I'm reading a lot of experiences that are similar to ours in this thread. We kept her off meds until jr high, when having so many different teachers made it impossible for her. She's been on Straterra since then.

I always hear the excuse why ADD/ADHD doesn't exist is that these kids can concentrate on things that interest them. DD can concentrate on books, video games, tv, etc, to the point she's unaware of the world around her, and a lot of ADHD kids do this, so don't believe that reasoning.

The psychologist we saw when she was in 2nd-8th grade gave us tips to work with her - stuff like don't give her more than 2 things to do at a time with verbal instructions, write out a list of multistep chores (ie don't say clean your room, make a list she can check off - put dirty clothes in the laundry, change your bedding, dust your furniture, etc). He told us to let her play music while doing homework and have her take frequent quick breaks, especially when she was younger. Stuff like do 2 problems, then do 2 jumping jacks. It helped, but homework still takes longer than your average kid. We have to be very organized with her school assignments. We color coded her classes - she has a different color folder/spiral notebook/binder for each class. On her 504 she gets written instructions for assignments and can use her phone to photograph assignments written on the board she's supposed to copy down. She also has a set of textbooks at home and one at school, so we never have to worry about her forgetting a book. She has the option to test in the office room, which is small and doesn't have as many distractions as a class full of kids would. She hasn't used this option, though.

That said, I think the best advice we got from him is to make sure she understands she is still responsible for doing her work. That mean's if she spent the class time staring out the window, even if she wasn't allowed to earn credit on the assignment she still had to complete it. We never lowered our expectations because of her ADD and told her that yes, she would have to work harder because of it, and no it's not fair, but it didn't excuse her from it.

She has had difficulty establishing and maintaining friendships. As a teacher I've seen it with boys that have ADHD also, but I agree that I think it's more common with girls with ADHD. She's always had a few kids to hang out with but never had a "best friend." When she was younger, it was about her being more immature compared to kids in her class. She also struggled with social cues - ie not recognizing when she's doing something annoying until she really makes them mad. We literally had to role play some scenarios with her to help her be a better friend. She still at 15 sometimes doesn't understand how she's upset a friend until we explain it to her. She also has a tendency to move from one group to another. For example, if a friend isn't doing something that interests her she'll go find someone else to hang out with. Because she never sticks with someone, I think that's why she doesn't develop the deeper friendships. I think getting her involved in activities helped some with making friends, partly because I'd make friends with the moms and so we kind of orchestrated the girls hanging out. I had her in stuff like scouts and sports. We found that team sports didn't really work (distracted when the ball was passed to her) but tennis was awesome for her. She also thrived in kids acting camp. Her psychologist told us a lot of ADHD kids do. She's in high school now and she has two groups of friends she goes between. The other kids tend to intiate a lot of the interactions thankfully (getting together or even just texting) so it helps her stay in the loop.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

I notice all of the references in this thread seem to be of ADHD, none of ADD, which also involves attention deficits. It involves the same struggles of staying focused on task, without some of the challenging behavior tendencies that are wrapped up in the hyperactivity component.

DS15’s official diagnosis is ADHD non hyperactivity. I think they’ve pretty much done away with ADD but add that extra component. DS doesn’t have the impulse problems that some kids with the hyperactivity do.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

And the more I read and learn about ADHD the more depressed I feel. It seems like such a life sentence that affects everything in their life

Not gonna lie, it does have its challenges but with medication, therapy and learning coping skills you can manage it successfully.
My DH is ADHD and he manages well. His job is one where he is juggling many projects at a time and having the ADHD seems to help with that. He can switch gears quickly when he’s fielding multiple phone calls and projects. And the man can remember everything, and I mean everything which is a definite benefit.

I’m pretty sure I have ADHD too, wish I had known in school because my entire school career would have been very different. But I also have an auditory memory issue so that didn’t help either (learned that late in life too). I also juggle a lot of stuff but my biggest issue is forgetfulness so my phone is my lifesaver because I can either text or email myself, snap a photo or jot a note down immediately. I’m also recently learning to scale back my commitments. While I can juggle quite a few things there is a tipping point. Right now the less I have going on personally the better because my kids have a lot going on.

A lot of it is just figuring out what works for you. For me it’s my phone, for my husband it’s post it notes and a bullet journal.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

My 15y/o DD has ADD (or inattentive ADHD I suppose).

I always hear the excuse why ADD/ADHD doesn't exist is that these kids can concentrate on things that interest them. DD can concentrate on books, video games, tv, etc, to the point she's unaware of the world around her, and a lot of ADHD kids do this, so don't believe that reasoning.

The psychologist we saw when she was in 2nd-8th grade gave us tips to work with her - stuff like don't give her more than 2 things to do at a time with verbal instructions, write out a list of multistep chores (ie don't say clean your room, make a list she can check off - put dirty clothes in the laundry, change your bedding, dust your furniture, etc). He told us to let her play music while doing homework and have her take frequent quick breaks, especially when she was younger. Stuff like do 2 problems, then do 2 jumping jacks. It helped, but homework still takes longer than your average kid. We have to be very organized with her school assignments. We color coded her classes - she has a different color folder/spiral notebook/binder for each class. On her 504 she gets written instructions for assignments and can use her phone to photograph assignments written on the board she's supposed to copy down. She also has a set of textbooks at home and one at school, so we never have to worry about her forgetting a book. She has the option to test in the office room, which is small and doesn't have as many distractions as a class full of kids would. She hasn't used this option, though.

That said, I think the best advice we got from him is to make sure she understands she is still responsible for doing her work. That mean's if she spent the class time staring out the window, even if she wasn't allowed to earn credit on the assignment she still had to complete it. We never lowered our expectations because of her ADD and told her that yes, she would have to work harder because of it, and no it's not fair, but it didn't excuse her from it.

She also has a tendency to move from one group to another. For example, if a friend isn't doing something that interests her she'll go find someone else to hang out with. We found that team sports didn't really work (distracted when the ball was passed to her) but tennis was awesome for her. Her psychologist told us a lot of ADHD kids do. She's in high school now and she has two groups of friends she goes between. The other kids tend to intiate a lot of the interactions thankfully (getting together or even just texting) so it helps her stay in the loop.

DS15’s official diagnosis is ADHD non hyperactivity. I think they’ve pretty much done away with ADD but add that extra component. DS doesn’t have the impulse problems that some kids with the hyperactivity do.

I quoted some of what these PP posters said about their own kids because it is so similar to my ADHD DD18. I am a teacher so my experience with ADHD isn't just limited to my own child, but I will mostly just focus on her in this post.

Where she is now:
DD is now a successful college freshman at a very good state university. She has been taking time released Concerta and fast acting Ritalin since the 7th grade. She just finished her first round of college midterms and got all As and Bs. She has met with the Student Disability Department once and may go through all the steps (additional testing because her testing is over 5 years old. The battery of tests can be expensive - anywhere from $500 to $1500 - but so worth it in the end. You can shop around for the best price.) to get accommodations, but she is not sure she needs them, since she successfully* navigated high school without accommodations. I am pretty sure she wants the option just in case she starts having trouble. She takes 4 classes a semester vs the usual 5, so she has more time to devote to each class. This works for her because she has her AA degree already (*successfully navigated high school - was a 3 sport athlete [needed her meds to focus at games], team captain, NHS, top 20% in her class, completed a dual enrollment program with the local community college to get her AA degree a month before she earned her HS diploma, and had a part time job!). She was a solid A/B student in all honors classes in high school. She wasn't the smartest kid at school by any stretch, and she still forgot something at home (like a piece of her uniform, or her lunch, or her field trip form & money, or her homework) on a weekly basis, but she was very driven and wanted to succeed. She also has tons of friends and is socially well adjusted. So parents - DO NOT GIVE UP or get discouraged, success is possible!!!!

DD will be the first to tell you that she has to work harder than everyone else. She will also tell you she does not make excuses for herself or use her ADHD as a crutch for missing school work, getting bad grades or getting in trouble. I had a student in one of my classes that said he couldn't help his disruptive behavior because he had ADHD. DD went off when she heard that. She said it is much harder for an ADHD kid to control himself, so he needs to work 3 times harder at doing it, but it can be done (her words not mine). Your mileage may vary.

How we got there:
When DD finished preschool, her teacher told me DD may have an issue with self control in kindergarten. She did ok academically in K-3 for the most part, but she was constantly in trouble. By 4th grade, her academics started suffering. She brought home Fs on math papers. One example - I checked the math, and she had it all correct. So I checked the problem in the math book. She'd taken the top number from #4 and the bottom number from #8 and added them together (perfectly, but the answer was still wrong). This happened with alarming regularity! She also failed a few tests where she had the answers all correct but not in the format the teacher verbally requested because she didn't hear the verbal directions at all. We had the local public school do a child study on her and got her some accommodations, which helped a lot. (Accommodations included: making lists, using a kitchen timer, quiet testing locations, a red piece of paper with a square cut out so she could only see one problem at a time, written directions for everything, verbal checks for understanding with the teacher). By 6th grade it was not enough. She was failing math with a very good teacher. She couldn't do any of the daily homework, and I'd have to spend 3 days before a test re-teaching her the whole unit. She was not mentally present in her math class at all! She also struggled the most socially in middle school. Her personality has always been the "life of the party" type, made even more prominent by ADHD. MS is hard socially for lots of girls as queen bees start to develop their social dominance, and kids get excluded, feelings get hurt. DD dealt with all that normal stuff, plus kids often got tired of her constant loud babbling and immaturity and could only take so much of her.

At the end of 6th grade, we started the process to get ADHD meds, and she started taking them in 7th grade. Turns out DD is ADHD mostly inattentive, but the H part presents itself as hyper verbal. Her teachers worked with us to get the dosage right. DD is a very funny, bubbly, happy girl and none of us wanted that part of her personality to go away. We just wanted to tone down the speaking out and the loudness and increase her ability to focus. I am very grateful to her middle school teachers who took the time to help her with this transition. I was able to keep my sweet funny kid while her full academic ability finally started to surface. And the results were impressive - she won the school Algebra I Award at the end of 8th grade! She was even able to read a novel for pleasure for the very first time.

ETA: To answer the OP's (@Lilacs4Me ) question about behavior - "What's your "bottom line" with your ADHD child? By that I mean - what behaviors do you try to shape and mold the most, and what do you let slide or are willing to repeat over and over?"
We held our DD accountable for everything. She had to follow the same rules for behavior, school work, grades, table manners, literally everything that we had for our older DS who does not have ADHD and was his HS valedictorian. We just gave her a lot more tools, scaffolding and support to help her follow those rules.

I saw this video below on Facebook the other day and it made me bawl. This was my kid! This young woman has a whole video series about living with ADHD (titled How to ADHD) on Youtube that is very worthwhile (from relationships to friendships to homework and projects to diagnosis as an adult plus many more). Check them out.

 

[PollyannaMom]

It's weird, the kind of holes he has in his social awareness. He was taught to jump to attention and agree "yes, ma'am", "OK", "sure, right away", but then at the same time, he wasn't taught table manners or a whole lot of personal hygiene or how to take care of himself. He's been catered to in a weird way because most of his caretakers were grandmother-types who made sure he ate everything on his plate whether he liked it or not, and bathed, and made his bed, and went to bed at 8pm, etc. But they have always TOLD him what to do, what to wear, what to think instead of letting him make decisions on his own, so he is really immature in those ways.

You may find he will seek this out. I know an adult who most likely has ADHD (wasn't diagnosed back when he was a kid, but his son has it, and the signs are there looking back) and he did great when he was in the military. Someone else did the thinking for him, and he just had to do.

What can look like lack of motivation can really just be a lack of awareness of how to break tasks down into manageable pieces. So if DN is open to it, get him to use checklists that you make together for routines.

The one thing he did ask for that I squashed was he likes to pace when he's thinking, I said no. He will not disrupt the rest of the class to benefit himself. He can pace at home til the cows come home but he won't do it in school.

As a teacher, I thank you!! I always try to help kids find the magic thing "that helps you without hurting anyone else." I really enjoy working with kids who want to learn and just need to find the right methods!

And the more I read and learn about ADHD the more depressed I feel. It seems like such a life sentence that affects everything in their life

Please read some books that mention the good side of ADHD! Everything has both challenges and advantages, and I think helping your child concentrate on the benefits will make you both feel better.

This is one I read a while ago:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0099CW31O/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

and I haven't read this one, but it looks good:
https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Advanta...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CQXQQ063ERK3ME79MJH2

 

[dotfurio]

I quoted some of what these PP posters said about their own kids because it is so similar to my ADHD DD18. I am a teacher so my experience with ADHD isn't just limited to my own child, but I will mostly just focus on her in this post.

Where she is now:
DD is now a successful college freshman at a very good state university. She has been taking time released Concerta and fast acting Ritalin since the 7th grade. She just finished her first round of college midterms and got all As and Bs. She has met with the Student Disability Department once and may go through all the steps (additional testing because her testing is over 5 years old. The battery of tests can be expensive - anywhere from $500 to $1500 - but so worth it in the end. You can shop around for the best price.) to get accommodations, but she is not sure she needs them, since she successfully* navigated high school without accommodations. I am pretty sure she wants the option just in case she starts having trouble. She takes 4 classes a semester vs the usual 5, so she has more time to devote to each class. This works for her because she has her AA degree already (*successfully navigated high school - was a 3 sport athlete [needed her meds to focus at games], team captain, NHS, top 20% in her class, completed a dual enrollment program with the local community college to get her AA degree a month before she earned her HS diploma, and had a part time job!). She was a solid A/B student in all honors classes in high school. She wasn't the smartest kid at school by any stretch, and she still forgot something at home (like a piece of her uniform, or her lunch, or her field trip form & money, or her homework) on a weekly basis, but she was very driven and wanted to succeed. She also has tons of friends and is socially well adjusted. So parents - DO NOT GIVE UP or get discouraged, success is possible!!!!

DD will be the first to tell you that she has to work harder than everyone else. She will also tell you she does not make excuses for herself or use her ADHD as a crutch for missing school work, getting bad grades or getting in trouble. I had a student in one of my classes that said he couldn't help his disruptive behavior because he had ADHD. DD went off when she heard that. She said it is much harder for an ADHD kid to control himself, so he needs to work 3 times harder at doing it, but it can be done (her words not mine). Your mileage may vary.

How we got there:
When DD finished preschool, her teacher told me DD may have an issue with self control in kindergarten. She did ok academically in K-3 for the most part, but she was constantly in trouble. By 4th grade, her academics started suffering. She brought home Fs on math papers. One example - I checked the math, and she had it all correct. So I checked the problem in the math book. She'd taken the top number from #4 and the bottom number from #8 and added them together (perfectly, but the answer was still wrong). This happened with alarming regularity! She also failed a few tests where she had the answers all correct but not in the format the teacher verbally requested because she didn't hear the verbal directions at all. We had the local public school do a child study on her and got her some accommodations, which helped a lot. (Accommodations included: making lists, using a kitchen timer, quiet testing locations, a red piece of paper with a square cut out so she could only see one problem at a time, written directions for everything, verbal checks for understanding with the teacher). By 6th grade it was not enough. She was failing math with a very good teacher. She couldn't do any of the daily homework, and I'd have to spend 3 days before a test re-teaching her the whole unit. She was not mentally present in her math class at all! She also struggled the most socially in middle school. Her personality has always been the "life of the party" type, made even more prominent by ADHD. MS is hard socially for lots of girls as queen bees start to develop their social dominance, and kids get excluded, feelings get hurt. DD dealt with all that normal stuff, plus kids often got tired of her constant loud babbling and immaturity and could only take so much of her.

At the end of 6th grade, we started the process to get ADHD meds, and she started taking them in 7th grade. Turns out DD is ADHD mostly inattentive, but the H part presents itself as hyper verbal. Her teachers worked with us to get the dosage right. DD is a very funny, bubbly, happy girl and none of us wanted that part of her personality to go away. We just wanted to tone down the speaking out and the loudness and increase her ability to focus. I am very grateful to her middle school teachers who took the time to help her with this transition. I was able to keep my sweet funny kid while her full academic ability finally started to surface. And the results were impressive - she won the school Algebra I Award at the end of 8th grade! She was even able to read a novel for pleasure for the very first time.

ETA: To answer the OP's (@Lilacs4Me ) question about behavior - "What's your "bottom line" with your ADHD child? By that I mean - what behaviors do you try to shape and mold the most, and what do you let slide or are willing to repeat over and over?"
We held our DD accountable for everything. She had to follow the same rules for behavior, school work, grades, table manners, literally everything that we had for our older DS who does not have ADHD and was his HS valedictorian. We just gave her a lot more tools, scaffolding and support to help her follow those rules.

I saw this video below on Facebook the other day and it made me bawl. This was my kid! This young woman has a whole video series about living with ADHD (titled How to ADHD) on Youtube that is very worthwhile (from relationships to friendships to homework and projects to diagnosis as an adult plus many more). Check them out.

Thank you for sharing this. I worry about DD when she goes off to college in a couple years. Your post gives me hope it's going to be fine.

 

[piglet too]

Lots of great information already here, so I’ll just add one thing. When DS was diagnosed, we were given an explanation on his immaturity. She told us to take his age, divide it in half and then add 2; this would give us his “maturity age”. So, for example, when he was 8 he had the maturity of a 6 year old, and for the most part this really did fit him. It wasn’t perfect, but he always had the maturity level of a few years younger than he actually is.