Teens and drinking

[Minnesota!]

Definitely talk to her first. Alcoholism runs rampant and deep in my family...I have battled it myself over the years. I am VERY open with my kids about drinking and the responsibility that comes with it. And the issues that can follow. Talking can take you far, and gather you much more insight than going directly to the parents.

 

[Christine]

It's a tough situation but I agree with the others...try to have a conversation with her.

One thing I will bring up is that there is the off chance that your daughter is around people drinking but not doing so herself. I had a lot of friends in high school that did lots of stuff that I didn't. But I liked them anyway! I was at many a party with alcohol and didn't touch it. Of course this was "back in the day" and we didn't get our whole lives ruined over stupid things.

When my daughter was college-aged but still under 21, she went with a friend to the beach. The stopped in to see another girl in one of these large beach homes that kids can rent. Some kids she didn't know where on the roof drinking which, of course, got the attention of the local police. The police came and my daughter and the other girl got some bizarre citation for being in the presence of alcohol while underage. Fortunately, they were able to get this dropped. But my point is that, at your daughter's age, she doesn't even have to be drinking to get in trouble and maybe she doesn't realize it so you could have that conversation in that manner. You will have to fess up to seeing the social media pictures which will probably bug her more. Were you snooping to find that or did you have open access to her accounts?

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, if this is going on at another girl's house... your DD is drinking.... My first question is HOW is she getting home?

Second, you need to address this with your DD, and her alone.
Do not make anything any more complex or convoluted... you will not be able to get anywhere that way. That would be a mistake to bring anyone else into it.
You need to check yourself and realize you have no responsibility for this other girl's parents.
(Unless, of course, they are willingly providing large quantities of alcohol to minors... and even that should not be brought up with them... That is an issue for the authorities if needed.)

And, third, but perhaps more importantly. You mention how you and your DH have not always agreed.
You NEED a united front.
If that means that your DH has to agree to disagree, and let you handle this at the level you feel you need to... then so be it.
There should be no conflicting signals, comments, consequences, etc...

This is really a tough one....
While I would not really allow or encourage my DD to go to this other home, if this is happening at any level with willing parents....
You also have to realize that these are some VERY hard lines to walk from 16 - 18.
I could not be the over-bearing, controlling, snooping, parent.
You know, like some of the situations that have been discussed here on the DIS.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would also be interested to know some of the back-story...
How is this girl a bad influence.
How did you come to find out that drinking was going on.
Etc...

 

[J'aime Paris]

I have a DD who is 19, and I've worked with teens for years, so I know a bit about this...

1. As others have said, talk to your daughter. This is sooooooo important! Your daughter needs to be able to trust you, which it seems that teens these days are so skeptical to do. They often feel that parents are "out to get them".
Our DD knew that we'd pick her up anywhere, at anytime, for any reason. No questions asked. No repercussions. It really empowers kids to make the right choice, knowing they can count on their parents to believe in them.

2. Do you have access to her social media? If yes, then she probably isn't hiding bad behavior.
Were you spying on her? If you were "peeking" on her social media, keep that to yourself!!!
You will ruin trust with your DD if you spy on her, and she will either A. make her account private to keep you away or B. create a second account that you will not know about and post more "freely" on that account.

3. Friends first always at that age! If you try to point out that her friend is a bad influence, she will bond tighter with the friend and defend her no matter what. Also, as painful as it may be to hear, your DD could be the influence...have to register that as a possibility.

4. Has DD "changed" in any way? Grades, attitude, eating/sleeping habits, attire? These can be warning signs.

5. It could be that DD has simply experimented. Teens will do that. Simple fact of growing and changing. Hopefully she will make the right choice.
Which brings this back to my #1 bullet point.

Good luck!!!

 

[luvsJack]

I find it sad that it has been said that there is no responsibility to the other parents. They may have no idea and would be just as concerned as the OP.

Glad my kids grew up around people that we all knew we could let each other know what we found was going on.

Your first responsibilty is to your dd, Op. Talk to her first. Your conversation with her may very well give you some insight to how or whether to proceed with the other girl’s parents. And of course never ever blame the other kid.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, there is absolutely NO responsibility to the other parents, at all.
Only responsibility to the DD... and to any other children if this is a situation where it seems that the parents are contributing to the delinquency.
Sorry if that makes you 'sad'.

I don't think most of these situations fit into that perfect world you envision, where parents will be cooperative and happy to have somebody else question their parenting.

I am not hearing that these two families have been friendly and raising their kids together in a nice, close-knit community. That could be the case... but we don't know.

 

[Colleen27]

I wouldn't involve the other parents at all, to be honest. My DD has a friend like this - youngest of three, with two adult siblings who do drink with their parents - and I get what you mean about being in a different stage/mindset about drinking. DD's friend's parents don't see casual drinking (not to the point of passing out/getting sick) as a big deal, even for older teens/young adults, as long as it is done in a safe setting and no one is driving, so talking to them about any concerns about it was a dead-end.

I personally don't tend toward prohibiting DD from going specific places or seeing certain people. I figure this is a kid who is about 18 months away from living on her own, likely in a different state than us, so she needs to be practicing good judgment on her own. In the situation you describe, the first thing I'd be doing is talking about the stupidity of posting pictures like that on social media! That can derail your life faster than the actual drinking or pot use these days, and in more lasting ways. I do have something of a "kids will be kids" attitude about experimentation with alcohol, in that I'm not naive enough to think that my kids are going to make it to 21 without ever taking a drink or being in a situation where others are drinking, so my focus has always been on safety. Don't get stupid-drunk or so impaired that you're an easy target, don't drink and drive or ride with others who do, stand up for your own comfort zone rather than allowing others to pressure you, don't be drinking/hanging out in places likely to attract police attention, don't trust adults who offer to get you alcohol because they usually want something, etc. All of those skills will matter even more in college, when Mom isn't just a phone call away to be a safe ride home, so I want to make sure the kids have the tools to handle the situations that will eventually present themselves.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with a lot of what Colleen's said, but I think the DD has already used bad judgement here:

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

A picture like that floating around on social media can cause big problems for students today. Our HS is very strict about it, there is a zero tolerance policy for drugs and alcohol. As Christine said, one wouldn't have even have to be drinking - just being in the presence of alcohol is enough, as far as the rules go (although it sounds like in this case, the DD was actually doing shots). Some of my kids' HS classmates had a drinking incident that made the news and some scholarship and college opportunities were ruined.

It is no longer like it was "when we were growing up"!

And honestly, one of my biggest concerns would be driving. Does she have access to a car or do her friends that she's with? Driving a car comes with big responsibility. Only you can determine that.

At this stage, I would have a heart to heart with DD and talk to her about these things. I wouldn't involve the other parents unless it continues to be a problem.

Personally, I'd be concerned.

Just to add, sort of like what Minnesota was saying, I think that parental attitudes here are determined a lot by the parents' own experiences and habits. I think it's wise to take a look, when dealing with problems like this, at what type of behavior we're modeling for our own children. It's a little hard to tell kids not to drink when we're drinking heavily ourselves every night. Modeling responsible drinking probably isn't a bad thing, since they are going to have exposure and pressure. But I think at 16 it's still a little young. As another poster mentioned, it gets harder at 18-19.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, yes... and yes.... to most of Pea and Me's comments above.

The social media aspect is a big issue.
15-16 year olds with shots and bottles of liquor.... Really?

Time to take a very firm and decisive and informed stand.

 

[ronandannette]

We would not have tolerated our DS drinking at 16 - period. If we had found out about it we would have dealt with it and there would have been consequences. We would have seen his involvement as totally his responsibility and failure to conform to a rule of ours that he was very, very clear on. It wouldn't have mattered one bit to us what the friend did but like the OP, if DS was known to have been drinking at a particular friend's house, he would no longer be permitted to go there. (Yes, at 16 we still expected to have authority over where our son went and I make no apologies for that.)

If we knew the parents and knew they would share our concern we certainly would have told them but not in a way that held them to any account - just so they could deal with their own child if they felt it was necessary. I'm also on the same page that the friend would still be welcome at our home and we would not be making either kid out to be public enemy #1 - just correcting behaviour we found unacceptable.

 

[momz]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

I kept having sleepovers into college (at home on breaks) So no, I don't think it's odd, nor a reason alone to suspect drinking.

 

[tzolkin]

Nope, there is absolutely NO responsibility to the other parents, at all.
Only responsibility to the DD... and to any other children if this is a situation where it seems that the parents are contributing to the delinquency.
Sorry if that makes you 'sad'.

I don't think most of these situations fit into that perfect world you envision, where parents will be cooperative and happy to have somebody else question their parenting.

.

I would not see a quick, “Hey, not sure if you’re aware but I saw some pictures posted online of the kids drinking. I discussed it with DD and just wanted to let you know” to be questioning anyone’s parenting. They are free to do (or not do) whatever they like with the information.

.

The social media aspect is a big issue.
15-16 year olds with shots and bottles of liquor.... Really?

.

Yeah, the social media part would be my biggest issue.

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.
.

My best friend and I basically lived at each others’ houses throughout high school. Every single weekend and usually a few nights during the week as well. We even traveled with both families. (She did live about 40 minutes away, so I think it was just easier for our parents before we could drive.)

 

[mom2rtk]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

My daughter is 17 and sleeps over at her friend's house quite often. On Friday nights she's not over there, she usually has that friend, or one of her other friends over here. It's not a big deal, they just stay up late watching movies or Youtube videos. It doesn't meany they are partying. She doesn't have siblings her own age and no kids her age live close by. So she has always had lots of sleepovers. I doubt it will change before she graduates.

We would not have tolerated our DS drinking at 16 - period. If we had found out about it we would have dealt with it and there would have been consequences. We would have seen his involvement as totally his responsibility and failure to conform to a rule of ours that he was very, very clear on. It wouldn't have mattered one bit to us what the friend did but like the OP, if DS was known to have been drinking at a particular friend's house, he would no longer be permitted to go there. (Yes, at 16 we still expected to have authority over where our son went and I make no apologies for that.)

If we knew the parents and knew they would share our concern we certainly would have told them but not in a way that held them to any account - just so they could deal with their own child if they felt it was necessary. I'm also on the same page that the friend would still be welcome at our home and we would not be making either kid out to be public enemy #1 - just correcting behaviour we found unacceptable.

We would probably handle it in much the same way.

 

[luvsJack]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

Not at all. Even the girls in the college dorms will all pile up in one room and have a movie night and “sleep over”. Sleep overs do not automatically equal partying.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

Nope. I had sleep overs well into high school. Actually, my BFF slept over just a couple years ago because we were going somewhere in the morning.

 

[luvsJack]

Nope, there is absolutely NO responsibility to the other parents, at all.
Only responsibility to the DD... and to any other children if this is a situation where it seems that the parents are contributing to the delinquency.
Sorry if that makes you 'sad'.

I don't think most of these situations fit into that perfect world you envision, where parents will be cooperative and happy to have somebody else question their parenting.

I am not hearing that these two families have been friendly and raising their kids together in a nice, close-knit community. That could be the case... but we don't know.

There is not one thing that shows that the other parents are providing anything. They may be completely in the dark. But her dd could give her more insight to that.

Sorry that it doesn’t fit your “me and mine” way of thinking but I just feel that if my child is with another child and engaging in dangerous behavior they need to know too. It may actually be just as important to them to protect their child.

I don’t envision a perfect word. If I did it wouldn’t have kids drinking in it. But HERE, we let each other know what’s going on. Even parents we don’t know as well. If their answer is “oh we knew, just kids being kids” well I let them know and now I know where my kid doesn’t go any longer.

 

[ronandannette]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

Not too many of DS's buddies had licenses or vehicles during their highschool years. There were lots of weekends up to and including Grade 12 where they'd all hole-up at somebody's house for all-night gaming sessions and take their own sleeping bags to crash on the rec room floor. One home in particular was set up perfectly for it and that boy's Mom was the queen of pancake breakfasts!

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Not the point of the thread but the day before my wedding my bridesmaids and I had a wholesome sleepover just rememeninsing