18 year olds, sigh

[slo]

OP - Be patient. You'll get smart again when they are around 22ish.

As my DD(17) would say..... “Facts!”

 

[AndreaDM]

OP - Be patient. You'll get smart again when they are around 22ish.

So you're saying I'll magically get smarter while she goes to college for 4 years?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

My way or the highway. I tolerate no nonsense even though they still try giving it. Kids are allowed to do whatever they please but not with a car we pay for and insure and not with the phone we pay for also. Kind of hard to have a life these days without those two things when you are a teen. Our 17 yo senior is 7 days into a 30 day loss of his car. It's not going well at all... for him. I have a feeling he'll be much more cooperative after this latest incident

 

[mrodgers]

My parents approach was that since I was an adult I could have all of the expenses that go along with being an adult such as paying rent to them. I worked full time and went to university in the evenings and around lunch time. My employer let me go to school for one off classes during the day, but then I went straight back to the office. Between studying and working, I was exhausted most of the time. I would come home and go straight to bed. I barely saw my parents the entire time I went to university. If your kid has enough time to be a brat, then they're not working hard enough.

Yup, except I didn't pay rent until I graduated from college and got a "real" job. If I wanted a car at 16, I needed a job to buy one and pay the insurance difference with adding me to the insurance, along with gas, repairs, and everything else.

Once I paid rent, my bedroom was an apartment rental, thus I had complete freedom. Lost Dad when I was in college and if I wasn't going to be home for the weekend, I let Mom know. Other than that, it was expected most days I wouldn't be coming home until late in the night.

 

[RamblingMad]

Yup, except I didn't pay rent until I graduated from college and got a "real" job. If I wanted a car at 16, I needed a job to buy one and pay the insurance difference with adding me to the insurance, along with gas, repairs, and everything else.

Once I paid rent, my bedroom was an apartment rental, thus I had complete freedom. Lost Dad when I was in college and if I wasn't going to be home for the weekend, I let Mom know. Other than that, it was expected most days I wouldn't be coming home until late in the night.

I usually started work around 7:30a in the morning. My night classes went from 6p to 9p. I was home by about 10ish pm every night. I was way too tired to cause any problems. I usually caught up on sleep on the weekends and studied. I started paying rent as soon as I got a job. My parents told me that if I was disruptive that they would kick me out. I didn't have the freedom to cause any trouble. And I was pretty wiped out every week anyway. When you're a walking zombie, the last thing you're thinking about is getting into it with your parents.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I’m in full agreement that it all boils down to “my house, my rules... if you want to be treated like an adult then move out and act like one... etc.” But this wouldn’t be my approach right out of the gate. One, I prefer to work with people when possible, and 2) I don’t think it’s a fair attitude to have towards someone who has not really had an opportunity to work, save money, establish credit, get on their feet, and transition to full adult independence. Presumably, 18 year olds had expectations put on them by the parents regarding completing high school, participating in extracurriculars, spending time with the family, etc. until very recently, right? You can’t expect them to live up to those expectations, then immediately be ready to move out and support themselves the minute they turn 18. “Move out and act like an adult” is best saved for the 26 year old lying on your couch, IMO. I think teens might be more receptive to a conversation that is centered around being respectful of those you live with, instead of one about who gets to make the rules. Pull your weight around the house, don’t be disruptive to others, let others know when to expect you home, etc. These are basic considerations one would extend to roommates or a spouse and should therefore also be extended to their parents and younger siblings. In fairness, I can’t really imagine putting a curfew on an 18 year old. I suppose if they were still in high school and had proven themselves too irresponsible to get themselves off to school in the morning after being out late I would implement one for school nights, possibly? But not for weekends.

If it will make anyone reading feel better about their own teen’s behavior, let me regale you with this 100% true, direct quote I once heard some guy screaming into his phone as I passed him on the street:

“I’m a grown-*** man! I don’t have to do a ****** ******* thing in that ******* house except clean my room!”

 

[bjscheel]

As I pay for my kid's cell phones I tell them I expect them to answer my texts as soon as they can. My normal text, usually on Sunday afternoon when they were in college, was Alive?

I don't want to know anything about what they are doing or where they are. I just wanted to know they were alive at least at that moment in time. Yeah was the normal response.

I always tell parents never ask a question to which you might not like the answer at that age. That is why Alive? was always a good one for use.

I love having Snapchat streaks with my girls. I've recommended it to other college parents, though I know not all kids/parents will do it. But it's a little glimpse into their day, and a signal they are alive, every day. And mine try to make it interesting. Plus I feel like they are more likely to send other pics, just because it's easy in the app. And DH and I flood them with cat pics, which they love.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I love having Snapchat streaks with my girls. I've recommended it to other college parents, though I know not all kids/parents will do it. But it's a little glimpse into their day, and a signal they are alive, every day. And mine try to make it interesting. Plus I feel like they are more likely to send other pics, just because it's easy in the app. And DH and I flood them with cat pics, which they love.

My youngest has been out of school for 10 years, but that sounds like a great option for current college parents. I would loved to have known daily, versus weekly they were alive.

My boys went to OSU and we have season football tickets. They quickly learned to show up to our postgame tailgates with their friends. Free food and beer and my parents would slip them $20. They learned it was a pretty good gig really quickly and only took about 30 minutes out of their weekend. Plus we at least got to see them a few times each fall.

Our daughter played college lacrosse so we went to all of her games. We would get grocery lists before games, take her out to dinner after home games, sometimes she gifted us with her dirty laundry. she would ask to "borrow" money, etc. She learned really quickly that if she asked nicely and was appreciative we would help her out anyway we could. Another great gig for her and we loved watching her play with her teammates and hanging out with the other parents.

Many of our kids college friends now come to our lake house at least once a summer. Many fly in. My oldest son's friends now host the tailgates for football games. We still bring beer but they won't let us help pay for the food as we fed them when they were poor college students.

 

[slo]

I love having Snapchat streaks with my girls. I've recommended it to other college parents, though I know not all kids/parents will do it. But it's a little glimpse into their day, and a signal they are alive, every day. And mine try to make it interesting. Plus I feel like they are more likely to send other pics, just because it's easy in the app. And DH and I flood them with cat pics, which they love.

I love this - great idea
I do have Snapchat, but I've never been able to get into it.
I should give it another try - I know my girls would do it with me.

For me/us, I've opened up communication by texting my older DD first thing in the morning, every morning, to let her know what I'm doing that day (I started this a few years ago - she moved out at 19yrs old). Then she will reply sometime during the day with what she's doing or done for the day. I started this, because I wanted her to know that just because I ask what she's up to, doesn't mean that I'm trying to get into her business - I'm just genuinely interested in what's going on in her life. So when I start off telling her about my upcoming day first she's knowing my business before she's telling me her business (which, she doesn't even have to tell me all of it if she doesn't want to - that's up to her). There have been a few days where I've skipped by accident, and then I get a text from her telling me how I forgot to text her and it made her kinda sad, which tells me she looks forward to them. Many parents have told me they wish they could do this with their teen/adult child. I tell them that it’s not fair to expect your child to share about their life if you’re not willing to do the same (obviously I don’t share everything and I think it’s safe to say my DD doesn’t either, which is ok) Communication is key regardless how you do it - it's not a cookie cutter thing - what's good for one may not be good for another. It's takes time and whole lot of patience, but eventually it's figured out

 

[kimmar067]

It's called "leaving the nest" syndrome. They have to be rather difficult so you don't cry as bad when they leave said nest. Oh and btw, I cried and cried when each left and they didn't even come close to meeting the DIS snowflake criteria.

Good luck.......it will get better. My babies are now 32, 40 and the my 2nd DS will be celebrating his 34 tomorrow. All are settled in their own nests. :

...Happy Birthday to your DS!

 

[AndreaDM]

I love this - great idea
I do have Snapchat, but I've never been able to get into it.
I should give it another try - I know my girls would do it with me.

For me/us, I've opened up communication by texting my older DD first thing in the morning, every morning, to let her know what I'm doing that day (I started this a few years ago - she moved out at 19yrs old). Then she will reply sometime during the day with what she's doing or done for the day. I started this, because I wanted her to know that just because I ask what she's up to, doesn't mean that I'm trying to get into her business - I'm just genuinely interested in what's going on in her life. So when I start off telling her about my upcoming day first she's knowing my business before she's telling me her business (which, she doesn't even have to tell me all of it if she doesn't want to - that's up to her). There have been a few days where I've skipped by accident, and then I get a text from her telling me how I forgot to text her and it made her kinda sad, which tells me she looks forward to them. Many parents have told me they wish they could do this with their teen/adult child. I tell them that it’s not fair to expect your child to share about their life if you’re not willing to do the same (obviously I don’t share everything and I think it’s safe to say my DD doesn’t either, which is ok) Communication is key regardless how you do it - it's not a cookie cutter thing - what's good for one may not be good for another. It's takes time and whole lot of patience, but eventually it's figured out

I will have to try this, although right now it seems she doesn't care what my plans are for the day unless they involve buying something for her lol.

 

[slo]

I will have to try this, although right now it seems she doesn't care what my plans are for the day unless they involve buying something for her lol.

LOL!
I remember those days like yesterday.
I did a lot of this back then.
I was always reminding myself - deep breaths, take deep breaths. I chuckle about it now, but I didn’t then. I totally understand how you feel.

 

[emer95]

Just wanted to offer you a hug, and a glass of wine. Parenting teens/young adults is not for the faint of heart! I’m still sort of in the thick of it, maybe seeing the light way far down the end of the tunnel. But it has been a painful, heartbreaking couple of years. Don’t want to go too much into detail, but it has been horrendous. Never imagined it would have been this hard.

 

[prairie_girl]

I don't get this. What did you want her to discuss with you? Her private medical information?

I still can’t get over a 20 year old agreeing to being tracked, or being the parent and needing to do it.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I still can’t get over a 20 year old agreeing to being tracked, or being the parent and needing to do it.

I track my kids via their phones. They are our phones. I will track them if I want to. As for why I track them....there’s many very common and widespread mental health conditions that parents deal with on a day to day basis. Because of that we all parent in a way that feels right and comfortable to us.

 

[mefordis]

My parents charged $600/mo rent back in the 90s because I was an adult.

Wow, I hope you had your own connecting bathroom and a walk in closet for that price.

 

[mefordis]

I track my kids via their phones. They are our phones. I will track them if I want to. As for why I track them....there’s many very common and widespread mental health conditions that parents deal with on a day to day basis. Because of that we all parent in a way that feels right and comfortable to us.

My kids track me. I'm serious. We can all track each other.

 

[RamblingMad]

Wow, I hope you had your own connecting bathroom and a walk in closet for that price.

Nope. But I moved out and out of state within a couple of months of finishing university. It definitely encouraged me to quickly move out.

 

[prairie_girl]

I track my kids via their phones. They are our phones. I will track them if I want to. As for why I track them....there’s many very common and widespread mental health conditions that parents deal with on a day to day basis. Because of that we all parent in a way that feels right and comfortable to us.

I definitely agree that everyone needs to do what they are comfortable with. You're preaching to the choir when it comes to knowing about mental health issues.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Tracking the movements of an 18 and especially a 20 year old seems suffocating. I didn't have a lot of rules as a teen, but I also knew my parents fully intended to let me deal with the consequences of any bad choices I made.

Coincidentally, by the time I was 18, I, a millenial, was an adult who could fill out my own insurance papers, manage my own bank account, and go the doctor all on my own. I would have not reacted well to an overbearing parenting style. I left for college at 18 and never looked back. When I did go home to visit, there were no restriction on my actions, as long as I didn't do things like throw parties while they tried to sleep.