Would you...could you live with in-laws?

[Kitty 34]

I'm the "inlaw" here and there is no way I would want to live with my sons and DILs. Love 'em all but nope. Hopefully I can live as long as I can on my own....with, of course, family members coming by to take care of things for me. Our neighbor across the street is 92 and her three kids/spouses always come by on their designated days. That's what I want.

 

[Mango7100]

No way on this Earth could I live with my MIL. And DH couldn’t either and had told her years ago that she could not live with us under any circumstance. She has been in a senior apartment for the last 7 years and just moved to assisted living this week. FIL had Alzheimer’s and died two years ago, but he was in a VA home for the last 2 years of his life. MIL tried to keep him at home despite him being wheelchair bond and her mobility drastically reduced—they hired various 24 hr caregivers and it was a nightmare. It lasted 2 weeks before she realized it wouldn’t work.

I couldn’t live with her even if she was perfectly healthy but needing medical care is a whole different animal

 

[PAsFab5]

You have nothing to feel guilty about because your not doing anything wrong.

Our job as adult children is to make sure our elderly parents are cared for, but we are not required to care for them ourselves. So you cannot feel guilty about this.

His parents need a skilled nursing facility with a memory care unit. It’s for their safety and well being and you should feel good that they are safe.

I know it’s hard, my mom drug her feet when my grandmother started showing signs of dementia. Then, one night, in the middle of the night my grandma left her house, in January wearing only a nightgown and slippers. She walked alone in the dark until she found a group of homeless people. Thank goodness someone had a phone and dialed 911 and the police called my mother...the state stepped in at that point and made my mom put her in a facility. If she had not stumbled into the homeless camp that night I am certain she would have froze to death.

Dementia gets scary and dangerous very quickly and I know it’s not the easiest thing to do, but it’s the right thing to keep his parents safe in a facility that specializes in what they need.

 

[Colleen27]

You're asking two different questions. I could probably live with MIL, at least for a time, if circumstances dictated it - say, if we had a house fire, moving in with her might make more sense than renting while we rebuilt (or vice versa). We have very different personalities but we get on well. Same goes for my mother. But could I be a caregiver to either of them if they developed mobility or dementia issues? No way. Particularly not if working full time (or, in my case, still caring for a child).

Being a caregiver to someone with dementia is a massive undertaking that doesn't balance well with full-time work, and caring for someone with mobility issues is another set of strains (largely of a physical nature). My grandmother had both, which was a blessing and a curse - she couldn't wander, like some dementia patients do, because she was wheelchair bound and couldn't leave the house without assistance, so at least my mother could sleep without worrying about her leaving. But there were times when she was too confused to understand how to help us help her with shower or toilet transfers, and though she wasn't a large woman, even 140lbs of uncooperative weight is a lot to manage. My mother made her own health issues worse trying to help my grandmother at times when neither my brother or I nor the home health aide were there to assist with the mobility end of things, which I don't think is uncommon when the caregiver-child is in her 50s or 60s. And providing 24/7 care has a way of fostering awkwardness and resentment on both sides that can strain even the best relationships. After 25 years providing an escalating amount of care for my grandmother, starting with just heavy housework and errands since my grandmother never drove and ending up with spoon feeding and help with toileting, my mother felt strongly enough about not wanting to be in that position herself that she ensured her retirement planning could handle the costs of long-term care.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Could I , yes. Would I , yes. but Not in your situation. No one will benefit. Fil and mil both deserve to live in a situation that benefits both their abilities and limitations.
That’s love, not failure on your part. It sounds like a real heart to heart with ur hubby now.... re-explaining why and how the possibility of all living together would not benefit anyone. Stick to the practicality of it with the lifestyles and limitations for them.
very best of luck to you all as you navigate thru this delicate situation. Stay strong, sounds like rough waters ahead.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I do not have anything against my mother in-law. However, I do not think I would want to live with her.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I hated having In laws living with us. Total nightmare. After to many years with them, I put my foot down when my MIL slapped my face. Never again with any In laws.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I could live with my elders if there was enough space for us to live separately and together. Own bathroom, living room/study etc. Mom lived with elder sister during her last years but they has a joined mother/daughter house and had planned for life changes. Now that she is gone her living quarters has become a separated guest house.

 

[Donald13]

I might sound heartless but I would prolly move out if my mil had to move in.

Same. She’s a drama queen and we don’t get along. And to be honest, we don’t have the space.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I could not lift, bathe, or diaper another adult. I have watched my 60ish year old friends literally kill themselves doing this, because their parents "refused" to go into assisted living.

Well, refuse all you want. I don't know where you would go, but it wouldn't be for me to take care of you 24/7.

I am so lucky to have loving and wonderful in laws that planned ahead and would never expect any of their family members to slowly kill themselves while trying to take care of them in their frail years. Quite frankly, it's a danger to everyone involved.

 

[tvguy]

No, because they could get better care in Assisted Living and the like than my wife and I could ever provide.
My in laws divorced more than 10 years before my wife and I even met.
My FIL was thousands of miles away when he needed care. He had a wife and two step daughters for support there. We made several trips back to give them a break. But a care facility was the only option as he was more than any of us could handle. Fortunately he had insurance that covered his costs
My MIL had health issues that we believe she knew about and refused to do anything about. (High blood pressure) She was here, but refused to share any of her medical information with us. She just didn't show up to work one day, and had passed away of a heart attack in her sleep.
My mom was here. When she needed car there was no way my wife or I could provide it. We put her in a residential care facility within walking distance of our house and I spent two hours a day with her for the last 13 months of her life.....with the exception of 10 days. She too had long term care insurance, so there was no financial issue with her getting the care she needed.

 

[okeydokey]

No, my in laws are racist and don’t have the same values we do. I could never share a home with them.

 

[1GoldenSun]

What I think can be almost worse than moving them in with you is when they refuse to move in, but also refuse to go anywhere else, and insist on remaining "independent." But they're not independent. This happened to a good friend of mine with her FIL. He was opinionated and grouchy, to put it charitably, and my friend didn't really want to bring him to live with them, but it didn't really matter because he refused to move in with them or his daughter's family or into a care facility even when he was well past the point where he could care for himself at home.

My friend was a stay-at-home mom at the time, and with her husband and other family working, it fell on her to go take care of his needs all the time. It started small and then just escalated to the point where she was spending at least a couple hours over at his house almost every day. What was the very worst was that he was very resentful of his physical decline and seemed to enjoy using her as a verbal punching bag to cheer himself up. Her husband and SIL knew and they did care but for the longest time they chose to look away from how bad the situation was for my friend because they couldn't come up with a better solution. He was terrible about keeping his meds straight, and took great pleasure in dumping out the pill boxes my friend meticulously measured out. It wasn't until an issue with his medication landed him in the hospital and brought his situation to the attention of others that they were all told by medical authorities that he could absolutely not live alone anymore. Then he went into a care facility, and actually seemed to get in a better humor after he got used to it. He found a group of other stodgy old men to sit around and watch Hannity with and bash today's youth.

I don't want to move in with my children in my old age, but I also don't want to expect them to come to me and cater to my needs. I'll happily go into a facility. I am very willing to regularly visit my older family members at their assisted living facilities when the time comes. I'll bring them treats and things to keep them busy and have lunch and a chat, and know that someone else is caring for their personal needs. I am NOT willing to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bathing, medicating, and other needs of my family members when they can no longer do these things themselves in their own homes. I saw what happened to my friend.

 

[VandVsmama]

Having my MIL move in with us is not conducive to me & DH remaining married to each other, so when she needs it, she'll be moving into an old folks' home and we are not going to feel guilty one bit about it. We are not equipped with the skills or time to take care of a manipulative, passive-aggressive, narcissistic person who will not be able to do anything for herself.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

Having my MIL move in with us is not conducive to me & DH remaining married to each other, so when she needs it, she'll be moving into an old folks' home and we are not going to feel guilty one bit about it. We are not equipped with the skills or time to take care of a manipulative, passive-aggressive, narcissistic person who will not be able to do anything for herself.

That, plus your children having to eat Scary-Scooter-Grandma's infamous Barf Soup as a regular meal might count as abuse and make the neighbors call the police.

 

[goofyernmost]

My mother in law was a very nice person sadly she passed before our first anniversary, but my father in law was a class A jerk. After we got engaged he never said a word to me for over three months. When he finally figured out that I didn't give a rats butt whether or not he like me, he finally decided to speak to me. At that point he told me.... "you know that marrying my daughter is like cutting my legs off". I still didn't care and that just ticked him off even more. My wife was an RN and he had convinced himself that as he and my MiL got older, that my wife would stay single and take care of them. He held that grudge for the rest of his life. We did eventually get along alright or at least civilly, but when he passed the the will was read. His two sons and their wives were included in the will, my wife was mentioned with a small token amount of cash and I was the only family member not mentioned at all.

My wife's brothers felt that it was wrong and legally signed off on enough of their portions to have it divided up evenly over the three families. I really appreciated the fact that his sons were at least decent people like their mother and not their father.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

My in-laws have no savings, just debt. There is no plan for how to pay for care should they need it some day. I had serious reservations about marrying DH knowing his parents’ situation, and I made him promise we would never financially support his parents. His dad used to call DH his “retirement plan“ and it terrified me. So after a lot of promises and reassurance, I felt secure that DH would never ask for his parents to live with us.

Two years into our marriage my mother unexpectedly suffered a traumatic brain injury and was left bedridden with severe brain damage. I had to become her guardian. She could have afforded a long term acute care facility but since she could no longer speak I felt sure that I would end up visiting every day to make sure she was being cared for, and at that point it would be easier to have her living with us and save me the drive. I honestly thought I was going to have to get divorced from DH after all the discussions and promises about our parents never living with us. He handled it with such love and support, and told me that of course my mother could live with us. She actually ended up getting worse and passed away before she ever left the hospital but I will never forget the grace that DH showed me.

Granted, in my situation we would have hired full time care and the living arrangement would have been for the convenience of being able to manage the care from home rather than driving to a facility to check on things frequently. If my mother could speak I would have been comfortable with her in assisted living. So I’m still not open to being my father-in-law’s retirement plan or having them live with us while they are still able to advocate for themselves. But I have learned a lot about empathy and I know now that if DH came to me asking for his dying parent to live with us, I would say yes. OP if your FIL has limited time left and it gave your DH comfort to care for him from your home... idk, it’s a very tough situation. My heart goes out to you both.

 

[NannyBeBe]

I cared for my mother until I could no longer care for her physically. I had to call 911 twice to help me get her up off the floor. When the EMTs came the third time, they took her to the hospital. She never came back to my home; went directly to rehab, then to assisted living. She didn't have a lot of money and when it ran out, my DH and I paid for her care at $3,000+ per month. She passed away soon after but I don't know how long we could have kept paying for her care and I don't know what we would have done. It was frightening to think about. It's a shame what elder care costs in this country.

 

[StephMK]

We have both agreed that any of our parents are welcome to live with us if needed. Thankfully, both sides are financially independent and we should not be in that position.

If she is able, there is no reason to live with you. I hope with everything we have that we never put our kids in that position.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I, too, think the title is quite a bit different than the question in the OP.

In the OP’s situation as described, I would say No. Two, one with dementia, one with mobility issues, in hospital now, your working full time, and their having the money to go to assisted living - that makes much more sense.

Our situation was different. My DH is a saint, it was his idea for us to put an in-law apt on our house for my mother. Honestly, it was easier at the time than what we were doing, which involved traveling to help her deal with a lot of issues after she was widowed, which was difficult given our location and work schedules, etc. She was also relatively young and mostly independent, so for about 25 years things were fine.

Well into her 90s she became ill and also broke a hip. We did care for her at home through her passing, but I am a nurse and my daughter at the time was a senior in nursing school, so between the two of us, with support from DH and DS, we were able to manage all of her care at home. And I’ll agree with others, it wasn’t easy, and sometimes I wonder how we made it all work. But we have no regrets and we felt fortunate to be able to do it for her. She helped us when our kids were little so it felt like the right thing to do, ie give and take. She was also a good patient and wasn’t too difficult to care for (aside from the occasional if she was unhappy about something, lol). Mom was a caregiver herself, so it all felt pretty natural to us. And DD learned a ton about caregiving during this time. Toileting issues are always tough, and trying to get someone in a shower who is dead weight, and someone being unable to walk very well but still getting up, with falls, or someone eating, but choking, well...that decline was probably the hardest stage, both physically and emotionally. Once the hospital bed and lift were delivered, it became a little bit easier, both physically and emotionally. But I do think that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to manage these things without a background in nursing and several people available to help 24/7. And even with those things, no one could really fault someone for not being able to take it on.