Parenting Question

[Park Pirate]

I agree with every single thing you said 100000%

I love the "good thought!" line lol. I'm sitting here giggling at the many times I could have used that over the years. I'm definitely going to steal it for this weekend's lacrosse games! lol

Yes, it is amazing how many times that is appropriate in my son's soccer and lacrosse games! I think all parents would agree that effort is most important.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

I have this worry too, when I drop my DD off at a new activity. It's a normal parental worry.

But you have to let your child learn that Other Adults can be The Authority Figure, too.

Special needs or not, attention span or not, comprehension level of the game or not, the only lesson your son is learning with you hollering from the sidelines during a practice or a game, is that his Mommy will always be "over there", to yell, to look out for him, to anticipate his needs. No of course nobody wants the kid to get beaned over the noggin with a ball or a bat... however!!! If you've put him into T-Ball as a toddler, well, most of the learning he will do at that age is basically, "There's random activity over here in this corner of the field! People run and they throw balls and bats! I should be aware of my surroundings!" Followed by, "Hey! I like throwing and chasing balls! And swinging this bat feels cool!" It's a small miracle when they all stand in line and take turns!

So just enjoy watching the amusement of your kid live life. He's not failing at anything like playing structured league T-Ball, he's learning dozens of new ways how NOT to hang out on a T-Ball field, completely oblivious. Or he's learning that standing in a field on a sunny day with clouds and random dandelions is pretty awesome, so he might want to take part in MORE of these types of activities in the future...

 

[Klayfish]

I know better to get involved in a discussion like this, but I have seen both sides. First off, when talking about 3-4 year olds, I am not sure there is much you can do. At that age it is just another play activity and there is little hope of getting concepts across or even holding anyone's attention. The only time I would say or do anything is if I thought my child was being either a safety issue or a big distraction to the kids that are trying to pay attention and the coach was preoccupied with something else.

Now, for older, say middle school kids, I think this thread is discussing different scenarios, and I agree with the quote above that there are differences in parents yelling from the sidelines. In my opinion, there is a big difference to the parent that is constantly yelling negatives at the refs, coaches, and players and the one who is actively following the game, occasionally yelling compliments to the players or even an occasional constructive comment to their son/daughter. I am not talking about trying to be the coach. I think this is true in particular for rec sports, where there might only be one coach managing a team who can't possibly be seeing everything on the field. If you (as the parent) are familiar with the sport or have played it, I don't think there is anything wrong with the occasional, "DS, watch the far post! Look behind you! or You have time!" comment (as long as it is occasional). In fact, I have asked my son about this kind of thing and he has told me that this is helpful (again, being told something an assistant coach, if present, would certainly yell).

And, I think the rare, "Come on DS! or Block that guy! or Take your time - stop kicking the ball into people!" is okay to your kid, depending on the kid (a parent should know how their kid handles those comments). But, certainly nothing degrading and certainly far and few and mixed in with lots of, "Great pass! Nice tackle" or my favorite for a play that may not have been executed well, "Good thought!" ti

I personally cannot be the parent that just sits perfectly still. There are some parents that show-up (which is good), but do not even pay attention or know when their kid is playing. I am not saying that is bad, but that would be impossible for me.

Anyway, I am not saying one way is better or not, just that there are various degrees to parents yelling on the sidelines. Of course, I think we could all agree that a constant dialogue from a parent is extremely annoying. And, for the most part, I think it is best to remain quiet during a practice, unless there is a safety issue, or a distraction that the coach can not handle because he/she is preoccupied. My comments above are geared towards games being played by older kids.

I think this is very well said. The only thing I wouldn't do is the "good though" thing. To me, that's just sugar coating, or speaking in code. I definitely wouldn't yell something at that moment, but when practice is over and we're in the car talking, I would definitely tell them what I saw...good or bad, it wouldn't be "good thought". I do that pretty much every practice, and my kids look forward to it.

 

[Kellydelly]

I am nine years past your stage, my 14 yr old son is starting his current baseball season. There are always parents that yell at their kids, and the coaches will do it too. The other mom should have just kept her thoughts to herself. If every parent said what they really think to each other during the games it would not be pretty. If the coaches want you to shut up during the game, they will tell you. In t-ball you have a bunch of little kids running around, trying to learn the game, while they pick grass, spin around and act like they don't really care (a lot of them, anyway!). So don't take it too seriously, and the other parents really shouldn't either.

 

[mjkacmom]

Nope, there is only the one coach, but the parents do help out.

One coach for tball!? That’s nut, and sad, since I’m sure there are a dozen or so parents there watching practices and games. Hopefully some others will step up.

 

[soccerdad72]

Eh, it's t-ball. If it's simply a matter of a quick comment to your son to pay attention, I don't see a big deal. I suppose if it's a constant barrage of yelling, it would get annoying, but at the t-ball age, most kids need a little nudge to keep their head focused on the game. If nothing else, there's a safety aspect to it - too often, I've seen kids get a ball hit at them and they're not looking toward the plate and I always cringe at how close they get to getting beaned with a batted ball.

 

[Park Pirate]

I think this is very well said. The only thing I wouldn't do is the "good though" thing. To me, that's just sugar coating, or speaking in code. I definitely wouldn't yell something at that moment, but when practice is over and we're in the car talking, I would definitely tell them what I saw...good or bad, it wouldn't be "good thought". I do that pretty much every practice, and my kids look forward to it.

I guess I can understand how the ‘good thought’ comment might seem like sugar coating or code in the context of our discussion here. But, let me assure you that in the context of the game and people present it is a compliment/encouragement and is not in anyway meant to be or said sarcastically or in a patronizing manner. It is a genuine comment rewarding the player or players for trying to make the right play. At the levels I am talking about, sometimes a lot needs to happen for a good play and the execution is not always there. But, the best thing you can have is effort and recognition of what is being taught.

When this is said by me or anyone else, it is recognized as a positive and not accompanied by snickering or anything. It is a different way of saying, “nice try - I like what you are trying to do,” especially when you see discouragement from the kids because the play did not work out.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Ah, mommy shaming at it finest.

Yell at your kid to pay attention - you are annoying and overbearing.

Don’t yell at the kid - you are a bad parent that lets your kid distract others or possibly get hurt.

Pick your poison and own it, because you are going to bug someone no matter what you do.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

My daughter was the hole digger Actually sat down and dug a hole! My other(in basketball) was the ponytail twirler.

My daughter is the dancer on the field. Last year it was t-ball, this year it is soccer.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

My daughter is the dancer on the field. Last year it was t-ball, this year it is soccer.

My little brother was the entomologist. He was always catching bugs and putting them in his pockets

 

[Wishing on a star]

Constant presence and micromanagement are not good, for anyone.
Let the kid go out there and be a kid.....
Seriously!!!!!
Why would it even be considered as necessary for Mama to be right there, constantly directing, demanding, etc...

My son did some baseball when he was really young, Karate, Scouts, etc...
I don't think that any of the leaders would have appreciated or even allowed such over-involved, distracting, parents.

I actually saw an example of a parent, a mom, at a fast-food restaurant the other day that almost disturbed me.
The place was not busy...
It was actually fairly quiet.
Mom was there with two little kids, like age 2 and 4.
I was sitting in the very next booth.
I Never saw or heard anything from these kids that even caused me to glance.
They were there eating their lunch, very quiet and well behaved. Almost not even normal at those very young ages.
Next thing I know, I looked up, and the one little bitty kid was over, right up into a 'corner', all defeated and subdued and shamed, facing the corner with his head down, like the very inappropriate kid-wearing-the-dunce-cap thing.
I am not kidding.... for what reason? Nothing at all that I had heard or seen, and I was literally just inches away.
It was just awful.
These two tiny kids appeared to be so subdued and controlled and insecure and shamed, maybe even fearful...
I imagine that it looked like those 13 chained up kids must have acted like when they were very rarely allowed to be out in public.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I guess I can understand how the ‘good thought’ comment might seem like sugar coating or code in the context of our discussion here. But, let me assure you that in the context of the game and people present it is a compliment/encouragement and is not in anyway meant to be or said sarcastically or in a patronizing manner. It is a genuine comment rewarding the player or players for trying to make the right play. At the levels I am talking about, sometimes a lot needs to happen for a good play and the execution is not always there. But, the best thing you can have is effort and recognition of what is being taught.

When this is said by me or anyone else, it is recognized as a positive and not accompanied by snickering or anything. It is a different way of saying, “nice try - I like what you are trying to do,” especially when you see discouragement from the kids because the play did not work out.

Exactly.

I took "good thought" to mean something like this:

Let's say Mom A's DS7 is lacrosse goalie. The ball comes into the crease, he scoops it up and goes to launch the ball halfway down the field, but oops...the ball drops out 3 feet in front of him. Play continues, which at that level means there are about 47 little kids whacking at the ball with their stick in front of the goal. Mom yells "OK, nice thought, dude! Come on...let's stop 'em again!" and on the game goes....

I take it as a little self-depreciating humor. I am like that with my kids All The Time lol

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Constant presence and micromanagement are not good, for anyone.
Let the kid go out there and be a kid.....
Seriously!!!!!
Why would it even be considered as necessary for Mama to be right there, constantly directing, demanding, etc...

My son did some baseball when he was really young, Karate, Scouts, etc...
I don't think that any of the leaders would have appreciated or even allowed such over-involved, distracting, parents.

I actually saw an example of a parent, a mom, at a fast-food restaurant the other day that almost disturbed me.
The place was not busy...
It was actually fairly quiet.
Mom was there with two little kids, like age 2 and 4.
I was sitting in the very next booth.
I Never saw or heard anything from these kids that even caused me to glance.
They were there eating their lunch, very quiet and well behaved. Almost not even normal at those very young ages.
Next thing I know, I looked up, and the one little bitty kid was over, right up into a 'corner', all defeated and subdued and shamed, facing the corner with his head down, like the very inappropriate kid-wearing-the-dunce-cap thing.
I am not kidding.... for what reason? Nothing at all that I had heard or seen, and I was literally just inches away.
It was just awful.
These two tiny kids were so subdued and controlled and insecure and shamed, maybe even fearful...
I imagine that it looked like those 13 chained up kids must have acted like when they were very rarely allowed to be out in public.

Maybe the very quiet naughty kid was quietly throwing food in his sister's hair?

My kids are not loud kids. I still had expectations of their manners. I probably wouldn't put them in a corner of a fast food restaurant, but if they were acting up, I wouldn't hesitate to do something about it.

I'm not sure this is the same thing as yelling at a kid from the sidelines to pay attention over and over again. But I do get the point of what you are saying, and agree.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think it's important to consider what is developmentally appropriate for 4-5 year old kids. Can we put them in a field with grass, weeds, orange cones, etc. and expect them to fully pay attention to the fact that a ball may or may not be coming their way? For most kids, probably not. They are more aware of and more interested in what is immediately in front of them. I think (at least I hope) that a T-Ball coach understands both the abilities and the limitations of the age group on their team. They know that not every kid in the field will be focused on what's happening at home base. As for mom yelling from the sidelines? I don't think it necessary. If mom is really concerned about prompting her child to pay attention, it would be more beneficial to go out to the field and stand closer to him. When my son played T-Ball, some parents would stand near their kids in the field if necessary. There was one boy who would guard his base so intently that he would attack runners as they tried to step on it. The coach always had his mom stand behind him during games.

I have to agree that it can be annoying to hear a parent constantly yelling at their child during a game. I remember a certain mom when my son played soccer in 6th grade. These were older kids who had been playing for years. This mom would plop down next to me before the game and liked to chat. As soon as the game started, she was yelling at her kid through the entire game. "That one's yours Jim! Run after it Jim! Take a shot Jim! Get that ball Jim!" It was incredibly annoying. I started moving away from her, saying I was moving to the shade or needed to get something from my car so I could disappear for a while.

 

[mickeyboat]

I guess I can understand how the ‘good thought’ comment might seem like sugar coating or code in the context of our discussion here. But, let me assure you that in the context of the game and people present it is a compliment/encouragement and is not in anyway meant to be or said sarcastically or in a patronizing manner. It is a genuine comment rewarding the player or players for trying to make the right play. At the levels I am talking about, sometimes a lot needs to happen for a good play and the execution is not always there. But, the best thing you can have is effort and recognition of what is being taught.

When this is said by me or anyone else, it is recognized as a positive and not accompanied by snickering or anything. It is a different way of saying, “nice try - I like what you are trying to do,” especially when you see discouragement from the kids because the play did not work out.

Even at higher levels this compliment (I use "nice idea") is a great one, and probably the most important one a player can hear. My daughters play ice hockey - which is a very difficult, fast-paced and unpredictable game. It is easy to shout out encouragement to a player who can deke around every player on the opposing team and score bar down every time down the ice. Impressive, but at higher levels, teams don't win that way. They must use a series of systems of passing, and coaches spend a lot of time teaching these systems. When a player works hard to execute a play, even if it is not successful, the effort deserves an encouraging comment.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Ah, mommy shaming at it finest.

Yell at your kid to pay attention - you are annoying and overbearing.

Don’t yell at the kid - you are a bad parent that lets your kid distract others or possibly get hurt.

Pick your poison and own it, because you are going to bug someone no matter what you do.

Not sure how it is "mommy shaming" to tell someone they are being annoying.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, Lilacs, it was one very limited incident and amount of time.
I do realize that.
You can't make any really definitive judgements.
But, honestly, from what I was seeing... I just don't imagine that tiny child being, in reality, a little hellion that would ever justify that kind of discipline or treatment.
That kind of public display.
Just no way....
It really did almost disturb me, observing all of this over lunch.

The common thread here is the constant control and micromanagement.
Non age-appropriate expectations.
That kind of thing.

 

[bellebud]

He is 4, almost 5, but tends to behave like a 3 year old. He is a good kid and I always make sure to give him positive reinforcement when he is doing the right thing. I only hollered to redirect his attention back to the game after he was acting up for a while.

What was the 'acting up?'

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I'd just keep ignoring her. If the coach doesn't say anything and you're not constantly yelling, then I think a few reminders throughout practice/games is totally fine, normal, and grateful you're engaged.

ETA: How old? I'm assuming younger...if older like late middle school/high school that's different in my opinion.

lol, if she was talking about a 12-18 year old kid, I think this thread would have been closed and deleted by now lol, and I for one, would have a whole lot of points.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So I am looking for your thoughts on an issue I had with a mom at my son's t-ball practice tonight.

My son loses focus easily and was goofing off with an orange cone while in the outfield. I sternly hollared at him to stop playing with the cone at one point. A few minutes later, I yelled at him again to pay attention. (My son is used to my stern voice and knows that mommy means business when he hears it and I typically only use it to get his attention.) After that, another player's mom snidely told me it was annoying her and she doesn't want her son to hear me yelling at my own kid. (One of her non-playing kids (18 months old) was wondering the playing field while the practice was going on and she just walked behind him.)

At that point, I just shook my head and walked off without saying a word to her. Had I responded to her, it would have not been pleasant, nor fit for small ears.

What should I have done or do in the future with regards to this mom? And please don't say to not yell at my kids, my children all know I love them and that if I am break out the stern voice, it is time to act better.

Yelling at your kid in T ball is not something you should do imo.

It sounds as if your child is either not interested or ready for T Ball. That is OK. I would pull him since it is a matter of safety.