Teens and drinking

[Colleen27]

Not too many of DS's buddies had licenses or vehicles during their highschool years. There were lots of weekends up to and including Grade 12 where they'd all hole-up at somebody's house for all-night gaming sessions and take their own sleeping bags to crash on the rec room floor. One home in particular was set up perfectly for it and that boy's Mom was the queen of pancake breakfasts!

Same here. Kids in our community mostly don't get cars until they can pay for them themselves and with highest-in-the-country insurance rates, that's not usually while they're still in high school. So hanging out later than parents are willing to drive means staying the night. My son is 19 and has the "gamer den" in his circle of friends - two Xboxes, two laptops, and a spare monitor for hooking up someone else's system if they bring it. That room also has a twin-sized loft bed and two very comfortable sofas, so we often have spare kids crashing here after gaming late into the night, especially in the winter (one friend has a really cool space in a pole barn, so they're there a lot during the summer but it is too hard to heat in the winter). My daughter, at 16, has all-night movie marathons and friends over to crash after school dances, concerts, and away softball games on a pretty regular basis too. We're fortunate in that they would both rather have friends here than go elsewhere so we don't have to worry too much about what other parents allow, but sleepovers are still very common at both their ages.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Many high school kids drive, here...
Yes, insurance for teens is high... (maybe not as high as other areas???)
But, in a spread out more rural place, transportation is a must.
Some have older 'beaters' or trucks.
Some drive the families extra vehicle when available.
Of course, most do not own their own.
But, many do find some way to have transportation.
And, if one kid has transportation, then you would see them driving to school, or around town, with a couple of other kids in tow.

My DS drove my husband's old (but nice) truck at first.
He was lucky enough to have worked and had enough money to make a big deposit and buy his nice truck by the time he was 18.

 

[Colleen27]

Many high school kids drive, here...
Yes, insurance for teens is high... (maybe not as high as other areas???)
But, in a spread out more rural place, transportation is a must.

Probably. The average in my state is twice the national average, plus rates are determined by zip code so people in lower-income communities pay more than people in more affluent areas (as much as 50% more). We're paying over $2200/year to insure a minivan for two middle-aged adults with clean records. Adding a teen driver would shoot that up to $5000+ - not something many families in our blue-collar town can afford.

 

[luvsJack]

Probably. The average in my state is twice the national average, plus rates are determined by zip code so people in lower-income communities pay more than people in more affluent areas (as much as 50% more). We're paying over $2200/year to insure a minivan for two middle-aged adults with clean records. Adding a teen driver would shoot that up to $5000+ - not something many families in our blue-collar town can afford.

Good grief! Do they give any reason why it’s so high?

 

[Colleen27]

Good grief! Do they give any reason why it’s so high?

Partly a difference in how medical claims from accidents are handled (no cap on benefits, no negotiated pricing model like health insurance plans use), and partly just because they can - the state legislature okay'd a pricing model based on credit score and zip code, and the latter in particular tends to spiral because poorer areas get higher rates because they're higher risk, which means fewer people can afford insurance and more drive without, so rates go up more, which pushes more people out of the market, etc. And public transit here is nothing short of pathetic (would you expect anything else in a state built by the Big 3 automakers?) so not driving really isn't a viable option for adults who can't afford the insurance.

 

[low-key]

there is no good answer but ya gotta do something

 

[NHdisneylover]

We would not have tolerated our DS drinking at 16 - period. If we had found out about it we would have dealt with it and there would have been consequences. We would have seen his involvement as totally his responsibility and failure to conform to a rule of ours that he was very, very clear on. It wouldn't have mattered one bit to us what the friend did but like the OP, if DS was known to have been drinking at a particular friend's house, he would no longer be permitted to go there. (Yes, at 16 we still expected to have authority over where our son went and I make no apologies for that.)

If we knew the parents and knew they would share our concern we certainly would have told them but not in a way that held them to any account - just so they could deal with their own child if they felt it was necessary. I'm also on the same page that the friend would still be welcome at our home and we would not be making either kid out to be public enemy #1 - just correcting behaviour we found unacceptable.

I am curious: how would this play out if the drinking had occurred at your home or a public space? If the kids had snuck drinks into the library or had them at a park would you ban then from being those places without you? If the drinking had been at your own home would your child not be allowed to be in his own home without supervision?

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

Like other posters, nope, does not strike me as at all uncommon. My kids are 21 and 19 and both still end up in sleepover situations. Oldest still has their best friend over to stay whenever visiting home and youngest tends to stay over with his good friend one town over (no idea why one set gravitates towards being here and the other not). They are of an age that likes to stay up late into the night hanging out, and it is far easier and safer to head back home the next morning than at 3 a.m.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

If I have evidence (the pictures), not only would my child be grounded in general, he or she would not be allowed over at this friend's house anymore ever.

And I'd have a serious conversation about the drinking and posting the pictures.

And I would lock up my alcohol.

 

[Dawnlight]

Are you certain she's actually sleeping over at the friends house when she says she is? In my teen years, a friend and I would each say we were staying the night at the other's house; we would be at neither of them. I'm surprised we didn't get into more trouble than we did.

I'll agree that it's best to talk to her and even her doctor if necessary (if you think it's more than just a drink here and there, she has potential for liver issues, even at an early age; going through similar issues with one of my teens).

I also agree to not jump to the conclusion that it's the other child doing the influencing. Too many parents have the "not my child" attitude and that will quickly and painfully bite you where it hurts!

 

[mom2rtk]

Not allowing your child back to a friend's house where they have been drinking doesn't mean you blame the other kid. It just means you don't trust your child to be there again.

 

[Hikergirl]

Not allowing your child back to a friend's house where they have been drinking doesn't mean you blame the other kid. It just means you don't trust your child to be there again.

In general I agree with your statement, but that would be more because I wouldn't trust my kid not to drink anywhere while they were out kind of thing. I know there are people who don't drink and don't have alcohol in their home, but there are many that do. There are also families who have kids older than 21 living at home so it is possible for them to get alcohol for their siblings. If you know your teen is drinking and the OP does, then that just means her teen can't really be trusted not to drink anywhere, not just this girl's house. The OP sure does sound like she is blaming the other girl and possibly her parents.

 

[ronandannette]

I am curious: how would this play out if the drinking had occurred at your home or a public space? If the kids had snuck drinks into the library or had them at a park would you ban then from being those places without you? If the drinking had been at your own home would your child not be allowed to be in his own home without supervision?

Short answer - when our DS was found to be doing anything we had specifically asked him not to do and defying our rules (“disobeying” if you will), especially in ways that were reckless enough to put himself at peril, there were consequences. Often those consequences included curtailing his freedom to do certain things without supervision until he had proven he wouldn’t take advantage of the privilege.

I imagine your last sentence to be hyperbole in this rather minor scenario the OP presented. But if our DS had routinely drank to excess or used illicit drugs, then yes, we would have watched him like a hawk and done anything in our power to prevent the behaviour.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I was all anti-alcohol while my kids were young teens (13, 14, 15,16,17,18). I had a son that was very sneeky. He drank starting at 14 and I didn't know. He is a very private person. All my preaching did nothing. He had to bend and break the rules for everything I laid down. He is 21 and not an alcoholic. In fact he doesn't drink much at all now. He is too busy working to go out and get lambasted then get up and go to work the next morning. My point is this - I harped and preached and he still did it. He didn't turn into an alcoholic. I suggest you talk to your 16 year old and have an honest discussion about this and see what she has to say and then take it from there. Banning her friendship will get you no where and may just push her to go more behind your back and be even sneekier.

 

[mom2rtk]

In general I agree with your statement, but that would be more because I wouldn't trust my kid not to drink anywhere while they were out kind of thing. I know there are people who don't drink and don't have alcohol in their home, but there are many that do. There are also families who have kids older than 21 living at home so it is possible for them to get alcohol for their siblings. If you know your teen is drinking and the OP does, then that just means her teen can't really be trusted not to drink anywhere, not just this girl's house. The OP sure does sound like she is blaming the other girl and possibly her parents.

Oh, my child would likely be grounded in general for a while. But I could see not letting them back to the spot where they were drinking previously for longer.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Short answer - when our DS was found to be doing anything we had specifically asked him not to do and defying our rules (“disobeying” if you will), especially in ways that were reckless enough to put himself at peril, there were consequences. Often those consequences included curtailing his freedom to do certain things without supervision until he had proven he wouldn’t take advantage of the privilege.

I imagine your last sentence to be hyperbole in this rather minor scenario the OP presented. But if our DS had routinely drank to excess or used illicit drugs, then yes, we would have watched him like a hawk and done anything in our power to prevent the behaviour.

Thanks for the answer. I think "routinely" is key here. That is a different scenario than what the OP painted or you painted before. You specifically mentioned perhaps the other parents being equally opposed and thus you informing them---so I wonder how that played out. if you did not approve, the other parents did not approve then how is making jsut one place off limits going to fix it? Grounded your son, OK, I could see. if it becomes a pattern of the same problem in same place, I can see, but I really did wonder how that worked if the tables were slightls turned and the same two kids with the same issues were doing the drinking in your own home (it wasn't just hyperbole).

 

[Pink Partridge]

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

The minute I saw those pictures, I would have taken a screen shot, sent them to her, and said "Where are you? I am coming to get you."

When she entered my car, her phone would have been calmly taken from her. Perhaps she would lose it for a month. And then she would be grounded.

How defiant to put pictures of yourself doing shots online at the age of 16. She must not be afraid of the consequences. I would end that for sure.

Our high schools National Honor Society has a very strict no underage drinking rule. That picture would have had her kicked out. No questions asked.

We also have a friend that has a 19 year old daughter on a full ride scholarship. There is a very strict no underage drinking rule/honor code. Two of her daughter's fellow scholarship winners have lost their $100K scholarships due to posting pictures of them drinking. I don't even know how I would react as a parent if that happened.

This is 100% your daughter's choice to drink. Her new friend has nothing to do with it.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

The minute I saw those pictures, I would have taken a screen shot, sent them to her, and said "Where are you? I am coming to get you."

When she entered my car, her phone would have been calmly taken from her. Perhaps she would lose it for a month. And then she would be grounded.

How defiant to put pictures of yourself doing shots online at the age of 16. She must not be afraid of the consequences. I would end that for sure.

Our high schools National Honor Society has a very strict no underage drinking rule. That picture would have had her kicked out. No questions asked.

We also have a friend that has a 19 year old daughter on a full ride scholarship. There is a very strict no underage drinking rule/honor code. Two of her daughter's fellow scholarship winners have lost their $100K scholarships due to posting pictures of them drinking. I don't even know how I would react as a parent if that happened.

This is 100% your daughter's choice to drink. Her new friend has nothing to do with it.

I've found that extreme overreactions and consequences to a teen's transgressions will provoke a teen to rebel extremely.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank you for all the advice so far. To address some things... I am fairly certain it is at their house because they always sleep over there. I don't know the parents well at all, however this is their youngest of 5 (all of the others are over 21 and they do drink with) and this is our oldest so I feel we're at different parenting stages if that makes any sense. I would approach it with them as if, I think the girls are doing this were you aware. I just want to make sure I don't over react or cause any strain with DD on one side, but on the other side I feel she needs to be parented and have some rules.

You are "fairly certain" it is at their house? Are you more than "fairly certain" that their daughter is a bad influence and yours simply a good kid?

You don't know the parents well at all, yet you know they drink with their older children? I'd genuinely like to hear how both of these statements are true.

So you're at different parenting stages because this involves your oldest child and their youngest. My takeaway from your comment is that you feel the other parents have checked out. Someone else looking at the facts of the differing parenting stages might just as easily see it as the other parents being much more experienced than you.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I've found that extreme overreactions and consequences to a teen's transgressions will provoke a teen to rebel extremely.

A phone being taken away? Being removed from a prestigious program that is handing you $100K? I don't think any of the consequences are overreactions. I feel badly for the finalists that weren't chosen. The rule breakers took a slot and didn't respect the program.

If you want to drink (and flaunt it), go right ahead. There will be consequences.

 

[cabanafrau]

I've found that extreme overreactions and consequences to a teen's transgressions will provoke a teen to rebel extremely.

I agree with you as far as parental reactions and consequences. I do think that there is value in kids being aware that when it comes to schools, organizations, etc. consequences are what they are, black and white, no matter how extreme or inflexible the teen may think they are -- they still apply.